Coming and going

I feel like my whole world has changed but nothing is moved. I've been faced with parts of my heart that I never knew existed. I've learned about generational blessings and curses which explain a lot of how I got this way. My fear of abandonment has driven many of my actions. I've always been afraid of losing love should I fail at what I set out to accomplish. I know it isn't true; I know that my family will go on loving me in spite of my shortcomings, but there's always been this little doubt whispered into my ear: "They want a perfect daughter and if you can't be perfect, they'll replace you." Jesus has been the only one I could run to my whole life. I know He's supposed to meet our every need, but honestly, I have often felt empty and lonely here. I've learned that I need to be less interested in the final destination of Peace and more involved in seeking my Lord. A child learns nothing and doesn't grow at all if his parents give him everything he desires. I can't learn patience and love and acceptance if I don't ask for them and wait for them...even when it seems they'll never arrive. God is the most faithful when it seems He has forgotten us. Rambling.

I'll soon have a new title to one small creature still a mystery to many. With that new title comes new responsibilities and opportunities...and a new kind of Christmas gift. Excited.

I'm still seeing the neighborman. This has become my longest relationship in consecutive days. It was off-and-on with the first man for 5 months--2 months, 2 weeks apart, then just under 3 months--a few summers ago. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months and 17 days today. I met him almost 4 months ago and I haven't been the same since. We know how each of us feels, but we're waiting to go somewhere with it. It's no longer the "getting to know you" stage. Crap. I've entered the girly realm of dreaming and wishing. I think I should go clean something. Time will tell with my sweetheart. I can wait.

Long Time

Time moves in its own interesting way. Not long ago I was walking across a platform and given a diploma. It took me four years to accomplish that goal, yet looking back, it seems as nothing. Four years took forever but only a moment now. I long to treasure each moment we're together. The desire of my heart is to hold on to the now, but I struggle with thoughts and longings of the future. This place I'm in is new for me. I've loved so many people in my life, but this one is so much different. I find myself giggling at the memory that he calls just to tell me that I'm beautiful and wonderful. And I want to cry tears of real joy when I dwell on how happy he makes me. I gasp and can't breathe all at once. We've not even said anything of love out loud. Finally, here is a man who can tell me "no" and mean it. Here is a man who respects me enough that he fights me when I cannot. Just when I had all but given up, I met someone more wonderful than I knew existed. My heart is not completely given...time is the theme. We have time to become more acquainted; time to watch each other; time to listen to our hearts and minds; so much time to listen for God. So much time. In the now it seems that Time lingers and rushes ahead. I feel that Time lies in wait, and I cannot keep up. A new life beckons to me even as the old one whispers a sorrowfully forgotten farewell. So often now I fall on my knees and feel alone with my thoughts. I feel God is near to me through it all. I know He has control because I give it to Him. I feel crowded by my lonliness and I enjoy the quiet of this solitude. I feel it is a special calm before a terrific, terrifying, devestating, beautiful storm. I sit in powerful and passionate, silent anticipation for the Yet to Come. I feel the Earth's beautiful sorrow at being parted from the Creator. And I so vividly smell her Joy at the knowledge that all will soon be reunited...soon. I burst into Freedom's laugh when I dwell on the majesty of my God.

So many people have touched my life in so many beautiful ways. My heart's every beat cannot begin to thank God enough for my loving family and dear friends. Tears fall down my face when I remember those who have passed on, or moved on. Mostly for my dear older brother, Andrew. Growing up, I never fully realized what a fine man he would become and now that the time has come, and he is wonderful, I wish I could find a way to adequately relay to him all that he means to me and everyone else who loves and misses him. We will go on missing him until we see him again. I know he misses us, too. It won't be long, really. Enough tears, enough laughter, enough planning and hoping for this day. Time moves in its own interesting way.

Tonight

I find myself exhausted and unable to sleep. It's raining. It's early January in northeastern Indiana and it's warm enough to rain. I'm trying not to allow myself to be lulled into thoughts of an early spring with all its Life and Hope. I'm trying very hard to stay here in depressing winter, but it's very difficult with the signs of impending Joy all around. I'm also struggling to still my jumbled tumbling thoughts. He was distant tonight after the Bible study in Nappanee. I miss my kitty. I never knew just how much she meant to me or how often I sought her out until now...after she has died. During the car-ride home I thought how nice it would be to get home and invite Cheeto in to lay on my bed with me just to pet her. I was almost immediately on the point of tears after realizing that I had forgotten she's gone. Her death has left an enormous hole that nothing can fill. I know that Christ can take away all our lonliness, and I know that sometimes He allows us to experience true lonliness in order to draw us closer to Him, and I trust Him completely, but there is still a void in my heart. Her place is still empty.

It isn't really just my cat that has brought out this new sorrow. It's a combination of things. The dentist told me I have 2 cavities. I've never had a cavity before. I get the feeling that all these new things (no kitty, new boyfriend, job change, cavities) are leading up to something bigger in my life. But, I'm in the dark as to what it is. I'm also in the process of doing more room cleaning. But, it's with a new purpose this time. I'll no longer be packing for college, or extended camping trips, so I've been sorting my clothes again. I'm trying to remain optimistic that someday I'll be joining my life to someone else's and am attempting to discard many of my possessions with that in mind. There's no reason to bring a load of books, papers, clothes, etc. that will either not be used or will not be needed in a marriage relationship. All I'm trying to do now is relax and breathe. Everything should start to become easy from here. Perhaps my sleeplessness rests in the knowledge that nothing remains the same for long. I am anticipating change and don't want to miss any of it by sleeping through it.

Imagine

Just sit there and imagine what it's like to feel something so deeply that all you can do is be silent and wonder at the foresight of our amazing God. Imagine the breathless anticipation of what will come next. Think about what it's like to know that you're so limited that there's no way you'll ever be able to completely articulate everything that you're feeling in a way anyone but God will ever understand. Imagine how it feels to begin to share those thoughts with someone you trust. The joy and hope and fear which all come with going out on a limb and hoping to be caught. The exhilirating breath before the unknown. You've opened your heart and shared--and been dropped. You've been misunderstood. You've been pushed away. The very core of you screams in pain; but you won't let them see what they've done. Your first desire is to not hurt the other person...and still you wish you could tell them what they're doing without bursting into tears yourself.

Now, imagine that you've done all the same thing: you've opened up and shared, but this time you've been caught! The other person listened to what you were trying to say. They pulled you closer and listened to your heart without telling you that you're wrong. Your soul dances with joy and love and hope; nothing can dim your spirit. Jesus is the only one who never fails to catch.

People will always disappoint and drop. Sometimes it seems like God asks us to follow some people without question. He wants us to honor others and their wishes, but not when their wishes and desires go against His. He will never ask us to follow someone who does not love Him. Many people think they love Him; they may even go to church and have emotional experiences. But the people who really love God and His Son are obvious. The fruit they cannot help but bear is not fruit which can be hidden. These are the people who struggle with others and cry with them and listen.

I try to be a happy individual, but there are times when I don't feel very joyful. It always happens on a day when I haven't spoken much to my Best Friend, Jesus. My relationships with people will come and go, but Jesus is always there. The bad times come and often stay for long stretches, but I know that's when Jesus is telling me I'm trying it on my own again. I'm never unhappy when I give Him everything. But the surrender itself is the hardest part. I have to completely give up on myself and trust someone else with everything I have...even my heart. It's scary. It must be even more so for those who have trusted someone before (even someone they should have been able to trust) and been dropped and stepped on and despised. You'll never be truly happy until you give up and let someone else drive. Besides, it's easier to relax and look at the scenery when you're riding.

Update

I won't be singing with Heartcry anymore after April. They took it better than I had anticipated. I won't be in Terre Haute for all of Jan-Mar. Still with the boyfriend...no longer dreaming about anyone else. So far, our gifts seem to blend well. We're teetering on the line between close and too close emotionally. I don't need to know all of his dark secrets (nor he mine) but we both feel compelled to share these. The sharing isn't the bad thing--it's the reason we would. I would share my whole heart with him in an effort to draw him closer to me and form more of a bond. Even doing this in the right setting with the same motive wouldn't be a bad thing. How do we fight this? Focusing on the day to day has helped me to stay somewhat emotionally independant from him. However, doing that also leaves me a little uncertain of myself and our relationship. We have a really great thing going and neither of us wants to ruin it. (There's a lot to be said for God-given self control.) He has a wonderful accountability set--his close friend/pastor. I don't. It's better for an accountability person to be someone who's not related because family didn't choose you, but friends do. I'm related to my close friend now and if I were to ask her to help me in this area I may also be asking her to keep secrets from her husband/my brother. I can't do that. So, that leaves me with the issue of having nobody to really open up to and share with. I don't want anyone to "fix it" or give me suggestions on how to do so myself, I just need someone to listen to me and make me feel like what I have to say is important--and not share it with anyone else!
So here is where I stand: trying to squash my emotions to protect my heart and feeling guilty for doing so. All my life I've been told I'm "too sensitive." It's my sensitivity that makes me so forgiving and compassionate. When someone gets angry with me I feel worse for having hurt them enough to yell at me than the fact that they're yelling. Anyway. I have no idea what the new year holds. All I know for sure is that God will love me through it and I will find joy in that fact. I won't be rich, but I'll have less debt. Sometimes the things of the heart take time to make sense. Right now, I'm happy with where I am.

Learning a few things about myself this weekend in Terre Haute. Handing in my notice tomorrow. More to come later.

Confusion

I've reached the point of confusion. I can't seem to distinguish God's voice from the other voices. I've never had this problem this badly before. My dreams show me that I'm with the wrong man. I dream about the other desire of my heart...not my boyfriend. I feel a deeper happiness in my dreams about the younger one, but in dreams about the older one I feel inadequacy. He doesn't want to become attached to me if there comes a time when God wants us to end our relationship. I don't operate that way. Now I'm confused about the whole thing. If ever I needed your prayers, it's now.

The time has come

Snow time has arrived for good, I think. My opinion of snow is that it's very pretty to look at and to watch fall, but the cold it takes to get any is just not worth it to me. I'm not a big fan of cold. Although, the cold weather reminds me to fully appreciate the hot weather when it comes. Lots going on in my head. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time...how can I plan ahead that way? It's difficult to work around the schedules of others if you take things one day at a time. Sigh.

The winds of change

The winds of change are moving again. In my life, I have come to many crossroads. Whether or not to follow Christ's example; to sing or not to sing; which degree; marriage or no-thanks; camp Mack or elsewhere; Wawaka or somewhere new? Well, I haven't regretted any of my decisions thus far. Especially when it comes to following Christ. That's the best decision I've ever made and I'm thankful that He helped me with it. It's not easy to love Him, but it is. How could I not love someone who died for me? My whole being cries out desperately for more of Him than I could ever hope to experience this side of heaven. Most of my struggle with this heavenly relationship has come out of allowing Him to love me. Love is a strange animal. Though my experience with it thus far is limited, I know it to be something which has not one definition but many. Love is: wonderful and terrible. It has the power to bring together and tear apart. It births Violent Jealousy, Innocent Admiration, and Distant Respect. Love is complicated and wildly simple. Love is...a contradiction. But, allowing another to love you--even the ugly parts--is at the very least: Frightening. What if I scare him off? What if that's something he doesn't want in a wife? What if I make food he doesn't like? What if I gain too much weight? What if I lose my voice? What if I lose an arm? Will he still love me then? What if my language displeases him? What if he's allergic to my beloved pet? What if I fail? What if... See my point? Well, I don't have to worry about that with Christ. Sure, He expects things of me. He expects that I'll be kind to others, even though they're unkind to me. He expects that I'll stand up for those not present to do so for themselves. He expects that I'll be honest and genuine and caring and "good." But, He also expects that I'll fail. And when I do, He'll stay with me and help me through it. He won't leave me and say "I told you so." Jesus won't turn His back and say I'm disappointed in you. He puts out His nail-pierced hands and picks me up off the floor when I fall and helps me to cross the finish line of this crazy race. Honestly, sometimes I fail big-time. Sometimes I gloat. Sometimes I say unkind things. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I could. Sometimes my cullinary creations fail (don't tell). Sometimes I drive way too fast. But, I know that Jesus still loves me. Can I let others love the ugly parts of me, too? Ugly parts of Amanda: I'm selfish with my time. I'm picky about the way my bluejeans fit. I'm vain about my hair. I'm proud of my accomplishments.

The winds of change have brought about one major difference in my attitude. I have a new drive to learn more about the Creator. I'm no longer satisfied with a mediocre knowledge of who He is and what He's done for the world. I want to know Him like I've never known Him before. Your thirsty prayers for me are finally being answered "Yes." My thirsty prayer for all of you is that you never get enough of Christ: Never. That you'll never see enough of His love: Never. I pray that you are never satisfied with what you know of Him: Never. I pray that you never tire of listening for His voice: Never.

Possible?

A 12 year difference isn't really too much, is it? Surely not if God says it isn't. Much prayer is needed in this matter. Please friends, pray with me that God will reveal His will for me before anyone gets hurt. I try to take things slowly, but I somehow seem to fail. I follow the lead of others. I'm so tired, and still a little sick. I don't want to miss God's best for me. And with His help I cannot help but see it and choose it. My heart cries out to be loved. My soul cries out for direction. My core cries out for affection. My breath cries out for more Jesus...will I ever get enough?

I'm drowning in my own desperation for something of worth. I'm in Terre Haute again and struggling to convince myself that it will be over soon. I keep telling myself that I'm here for a reason, and that kinda helps, but it's frustrating that the journey to the end can't be more pleasant. I can feel myself becoming more negative to this situation. I feel like I never left. I feel like I've been trapped into a situation with no way out. Lord, calm my heart and heal my morale.

This was a weird day. Although I got the most stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday" complete with jazzy dance before I even got out of bed, the day was weird. Not really a bad weird, but a different kind of weird. This was my first post-schooling birthday. For the first time since I can remember, there was nothing required of me on my birthday--but I worked anyway. The first thing I accomplished today was to finish mowing the lawn. I went for a walk with mommy, and spent the rest of the day cleaning my room. For the first time, there was no work for me to avoid doing. No homework, no school work.......nothing at all school-related. I'm not complaining. Along with no school goes not many people to share with. I was used to having many people wish me a good day for so many years that it was odd not hearing it all day. It was nice, though. I even had the chance to be alone for a while. 23 is just a number, but it's a number I expected to have a lot more done by. My life is completely different than I thought it would be at this age. I'm single. And jobless. And in debt. With little hope of anything different anytime soon. I'm not depressed, but I'm a little bummed. I guess I've again been reminded that I'm not really the one in charge.

Almost...

In four days I will officially be an old maid. 23 and unmarried is what I'll be. I'm okay with that. We're redecorating the house this year. The bathroom, my parents' bedroom, and my room are finished. The living room, Aaron's room, and the kitchen will have to wait until next spring. It's nice to have all the juvenile stuff gone. But, it's a shocking niceness. Up to now, I've known that when I'm home I can expect certain things to be there--comforts. In an effort to become an adult, I've parted with a number of those items. It was fun to look through all the things I had accumulated and decide that I could live without certain things. I feel as though I've grown up all at once--but I don't feel differently. I've been different since I went to camp this summer and made a few decisions. I listened to what God was saying to me. I sat down and really listened. I had to get out of Terre Haute. I wasn't needed there anymore like I had been. I'm going back in a week, but I know things will be different. Mostly because I know that I don't have to stay. I'll be more relaxed about being there because I'll know that I'll be leaving.
I'm having some of my longest as well as a few of my most recently made friends over on Friday night for some fun times. But that will be different, too. I'm not 18 anymore. I'm a college graduate with a Bachelor's degree. I'm not as immature as I used to be. It'll be nice to sit around a fire and just talk and sing. I don't feel so much like I need to DO something in order to be entertaining. And Aaron will be there. He is my favorite Baby. Allen and Annie will be there. I love them lots. Andy won't be there. We will all miss him terribly! And my new friend hopes to be there. I fully intend for our (mine and Aaron's) birthday party to be a blast. Anyway, that is the event most quickly coming up on my calendar.
From the last time I wrote, my life has been nearly consumed with cleaning and finishing. I did go to Bethel college to visit my new friend and some other friends and ended up having a wonderful time just talking and meeting his new friends. I know that God has wonderful things planned for him and I hope for the privilege to see at least some of them happen.
I love you all. Have a blessed day.

I feel like I should write something profound, but I can't think of anything. I'm busy at home, but not relaxing. I haven't been able to get up to Bethel to visit friends yet. Once I do, I think I'll feel better for at least a while. Camp Mack festival is on Saturday=looking forward to that. I'll think of something good to write for next time.

Really?

It's difficult to put into words what's really going on inside my head. I met the perfect man for me. To my knowledge, he meets all the requirements on my list. But, I'm not sure how he feels. And, he's a few years younger than me. Translated: even if he were interested, he's not ready and won't be for a while. I try not to think about it much, but so far I have failed. I give him and my heart to God every day, and still......it's difficult.

I don't miss Terre Haute yet. (I honestly don't think I will.) I got to see the sunset tonight.....something I enjoy doing and is almost impossible in the city. Mom and I are redecorating the house--it's time to do my room. It'll be nice to have it less juvenile. The pictures are coming off the walls, the toys are finally put away, and it's beginning to look like an adult lives there. I'm an adult. A jobless adult, but an adult none the less. I may be worth a lot to a man, but I'll be worth a lot more if I can pay off some of my debt. I need prayers for a good job. I miss talking to my friends.

Praise to the Lord!

"Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

"Praise to the Lord, Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"Praise to the Lord, Who hath fearfully, wondrously, made thee;
Health hath vouchsafed and, when heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
What need or grief ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

"Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him."


I adore You, Lord, for all Your ways.

Yeah

Opening concert last night. I felt connected and at-home. Pre-sold 15+ CDs. I'm starting to see what this singing career thing is all about, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to do it forever. It's not the money thing......it's more about being objectified. The only connection I have with anyone is the fact that they saw me in concert. This comes to mind today because more than one person wanted to carry on a conversation with me at the mall today.....people I don't recognize. Recognition was on their faces--the only thing I can think of is that they go to my church, or saw me in concert somewhere. I feel badly because I have no idea who they are or how they know me. THAT'S the part I don't like about the business. As soon as someone sees you in public they assume that you know who they are--even when you don't. I think the biggest problem for me is that I was expecting to join an already established group. What actually happened is that I joined 2 people already in a group and through the course of events we formed our own, seperate group. The work that I was expecting to be done when I began actually began a few weeks ago. I don't feel badly about moving home again, I feel badly because I think I'm disappointing the others. But how do explain my own disappointment without hurting anyone or being mean? If I need to come back, I will. Right now, I need to leave.

I move home in one week.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm still happy, but I'm tired, and a little sick, ready to move home, unusually ambitious toward fitness... But I realize that I still have two weeks here in the Haute. Two weeks! What can I do for Jesus in two weeks? All kinds of things! I can continue to show His love to those around me, continue in patience, begin walking regularly, and be always joyful--even through all the noise and sibling cruelty.

I'm also distracted. I'm still reading Elizabeth Elliot's book and I'm more convinced that everyone should read it--Quest for Love. She's showing me what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like and why. I have an amazing example in my parents, but this book helps me see how to start. As a woman devoted to God, I am supposed to wait. I knew this, but Elliot explains that the "why" is not just because I'm female, but also because when I take the initiative and make a move, I'm not ALLOWING things to happen, I'm MAKING them happen=not a good thing. If I weren't reading this book and constantly praying about a certain relationship, I may have ruined things by now. The book is helping me with my other relationships, too. I realize that in my own "quest for love" I shouldn't leave others out of my life. A man won't complete me or anyone else (it's not healthy to think so) so I need to keep up with my other friends and near-friends.

I can smell the winds of change coming my direction. I think the change will be a good one. I pray that God keeps my heart with Him--where it belongs!

Take me

"Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days--
Let them flow in ceaseless praise, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
"Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and bautiful for Thee, Swift and beautiful for Thee.
"Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee, Filled with messages from Thee.
"Take my silver and my gold--
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect and use
Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose, Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.
"Take my will and make it Thine--
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart--It is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne, It shall be Thy royal throne.
"Take my love--my Lord, I pour
At they feet its treasure store;
Take myself--and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee, Ever, only, all for Thee."

I love this song for so many reasons! I informed Mike of when I'm leaving, and I know he's disappointed. That makes me sad. God said "Go" and go I went. God's saying "go back home", and I'm running!

Whoops

My life seems to have completely changed during the time since my last posting. The group entered a singing contest in Tennessee and we won second place; the prize for which is radio exposure and promotion. This has changed me in that I now feel much more obligated than before to stay in Terre Haute and excel in this career.

My joy has been renewed! Camp did that for me these last two weeks. The lessons for the kids centered on God's Calling and I think I may have learned more for myself than what I taught.

I applied for a job as a teacher's assistant in a special needs classroom today. As far as I can tell, I have the job, but now I'm not entirely sure I want it. I really need the money and the benefits, but I'm not sure how ready I am to be with moderately challenged kids all day every day in a restricted environment. If there's one thing I've learned while living here, it's that proper discipline is hugely important to the proper development of all children.....and that becomes almost impossible when the child is autistic or has defects due to the mother's drug habit.

I called that other guy and told him I've found someone else......more or less. I have at least been reminded of how much I really am worth.

My joy was renewed, but has already slightly dwindled by the children today. I know it's bad when I can't even think of a song to sing until they're all upstairs in bed. Tomorrow is the first full day of school for them and I think the library and I have some catching up to do when the daddy gets home. I love my Lord so much and it hurts me the most when I can think of no joyous song to sing for Him. Perhaps tomorrow will be better?