The winds of change are moving again. In my life, I have come to many crossroads. Whether or not to follow Christ's example; to sing or not to sing; which degree; marriage or no-thanks; camp Mack or elsewhere; Wawaka or somewhere new? Well, I haven't regretted any of my decisions thus far. Especially when it comes to following Christ. That's the best decision I've ever made and I'm thankful that He helped me with it. It's not easy to love Him, but it is. How could I not love someone who died for me? My whole being cries out desperately for more of Him than I could ever hope to experience this side of heaven. Most of my struggle with this heavenly relationship has come out of allowing Him to love me. Love is a strange animal. Though my experience with it thus far is limited, I know it to be something which has not one definition but many. Love is: wonderful and terrible. It has the power to bring together and tear apart. It births Violent Jealousy, Innocent Admiration, and Distant Respect. Love is complicated and wildly simple. Love is...a contradiction. But, allowing another to love you--even the ugly parts--is at the very least: Frightening. What if I scare him off? What if that's something he doesn't want in a wife? What if I make food he doesn't like? What if I gain too much weight? What if I lose my voice? What if I lose an arm? Will he still love me then? What if my language displeases him? What if he's allergic to my beloved pet? What if I fail? What if... See my point? Well, I don't have to worry about that with Christ. Sure, He expects things of me. He expects that I'll be kind to others, even though they're unkind to me. He expects that I'll stand up for those not present to do so for themselves. He expects that I'll be honest and genuine and caring and "good." But, He also expects that I'll fail. And when I do, He'll stay with me and help me through it. He won't leave me and say "I told you so." Jesus won't turn His back and say I'm disappointed in you. He puts out His nail-pierced hands and picks me up off the floor when I fall and helps me to cross the finish line of this crazy race. Honestly, sometimes I fail big-time. Sometimes I gloat. Sometimes I say unkind things. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I could. Sometimes my cullinary creations fail (don't tell). Sometimes I drive way too fast. But, I know that Jesus still loves me. Can I let others love the ugly parts of me, too? Ugly parts of Amanda: I'm selfish with my time. I'm picky about the way my bluejeans fit. I'm vain about my hair. I'm proud of my accomplishments.
The winds of change have brought about one major difference in my attitude. I have a new drive to learn more about the Creator. I'm no longer satisfied with a mediocre knowledge of who He is and what He's done for the world. I want to know Him like I've never known Him before. Your thirsty prayers for me are finally being answered "Yes." My thirsty prayer for all of you is that you never get enough of Christ: Never. That you'll never see enough of His love: Never. I pray that you are never satisfied with what you know of Him: Never. I pray that you never tire of listening for His voice: Never.
Monday, November 14, 2005
A 12 year difference isn't really too much, is it? Surely not if God says it isn't. Much prayer is needed in this matter. Please friends, pray with me that God will reveal His will for me before anyone gets hurt. I try to take things slowly, but I somehow seem to fail. I follow the lead of others. I'm so tired, and still a little sick. I don't want to miss God's best for me. And with His help I cannot help but see it and choose it. My heart cries out to be loved. My soul cries out for direction. My core cries out for affection. My breath cries out for more Jesus...will I ever get enough?