Thursday, October 21, 2004

What what?

So, in class today I was writing in my journal of sorts and wrote down a poem that I began last night when I couldn't sleep again. Disclaimer: This is only the very rough first copy and aimed at nobody in particular.

My love for you is as sure as that the ocean will touch the shore.
I love you more deeply than the words of Eros could describe.
The affection I hold for you is such that I lay awake at night to simply marvel at your existence.
I desire you as an artist desires a muse.
My promise to you is as that of a child who promises untold potential.
I trust you as an innocent trusts that the rain will come.
I love you as softly as the beat of a baby's heart in the throes of peaceful sleep.
My love for you is as pure as the red in the bow of God's after-the-rain promise.
...Even as I love you, know that Christ loves you infinitely more!
His love is MORE sure than the phases of the moon! For even the moon obeys His command!
His love reaches more deeply than temptation can ever reach!
His love for you is more truly blue than all the shades of the sky can ever hope to represent!
He desires your heart as a lover desires the heart of his beloved!
I love you, but I cannot see your heart.....Christ sees your black heart and loves you still! Though I love you for who you are and who you will be, Christ loves even who you were. For all that I love you, my love cannot compare with that of the soul's perfect lover--Christ.

And that's it, folks. That is basically what I wrote today in my early class during a moment of inspiration. What did I think about today? I thought about: how tired I am, how sick I feel, how much I like to have spare time and how little I really have, how stressed I am over my classes and unfinished projects, how much I need to go to the rec center, how much I love my friends, how I find Festival Chorus is supposed to consume more of my life than it does, how I actually like being a TA, how frustrated I can get over silly things in the classroom, how I wish I knew more about being a good stage-manager, and many other things which were clouded over due to my lack of good sleep.
I also thought about trust. Am I really willing to trust others? Can I trust others with even my heart anymore? I'm sure I can, but I think that I need to temper that trust with at least understanding that people are not perfect and I need to be ready to forgive the hurts that are sure to come...

Tuesday, October 19, 2004


I am a woman in love. Not with things of this world, or people. I am not in love with those things which women usually fall in love with—puppies, children, men. I am not in love with the past, or the future. I am a woman in love with the now. Everywhere I look I can see my God’s handiwork and I am in love with how much He has shown me. I see the leaves change color on the trees, I see the special look in his eye, I see how much my family loves me….but none of that can compare with the simple miracle that I see.

I am a woman in love. I do not love that which is not nor do I love what has been. I love the infinite possibilities God holds in a solitary moment. God knows everything. Not only what will be, but He knows every possibility for what could happen for every available choice. If I go left, He knows all the avenues of choice that decision will open. If I go right, He still knows what the future holds. He also knows the choice that I will make and every opportunity which will open because of that decision. I am in love with God’s power, His grace, and His love.

I am a woman in love with her savior. Even though I turn my back on Him at some point every day, and days may go by without even talking to Him, He still loves me with an infinite love. I just sit back and watch His creations interact and go their own ways, and I know that He loves them too. Every time a little squirrel runs across my path to bury a nut, I know that God watches him and tells him where to bury it. I also know that God will remind him where it is later. If God tells even a squirrel where his food is hidden, what has He to tell me? How could I not be in love with a God like that?

Friday, October 15, 2004

The terrible twos

Wednesday was the most beautiful day of my life thus far. I woke up at 6:00am and walked out the door at 6:25am. Upon stepping outside with my friend, I was awed at the most beautiful birthday morning in my memory. It was gently raining and the air smelled of autumn; I knew it was destined to be a wonderful day. My work-out went very well and as my friend and I left the Rec center I felt happy and carefree. The day progressively got better as I went about all my daily duties and actually got to take a nap! Then I got ready for the big night out with my friends. Because they love me, they all dressed up very nicely and rented an "Amish Van" and took me out to Olive Garden for supper and fun. There were only a few hitches in the evening but not anything I would even write home about anymore. It's wonderful to be 22...

My promise of nun-hood is over, but I find myself still waiting. I am waiting for the next step, although not patiently. What should I do with myself? What should I do with him? There are so many questions floating around in my brain that I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I feel that I have found one who can understand my thoughts without my ever having to say them out loud. I feel as though I am truly respected by one of the opposite sex. Not like before... I feel as if I could be content to watch the clouds go by slowly with him, never saying a word yet communicating on a plane I never knew existed before. But the best part is that I feel. I feel. Something I am largely unfamiliar with is suddenly visiting me very clearly. I have begun to truly feel the presence of Christ in my life. But why? Is it because of him? Is it because I took time out of myself to search for Christ in my heart? Do I feel all of this now because I want to; am I making it up? I guess only time will tell.

In other news, I am way psyched about wedding dress shopping with my friend this weekend. And, it's fall break! I only shared a little of what's in my brain today. I feel that more will come later...

Tuesday, October 05, 2004


Well, sometimes people surprise us again. "What's going on?" you ask. I'll tell you. The reason it hurts so much when friends are mean is because they know how to hurt us the deepest. And, being our friend, they should feel badly when they hurt us. But the deepest hurt anyone can do is to just not care that they hurt another. Even Judas was a friend. He felt so badly at betraying his friend that he killed himself. You may say that that's biblically inaccurate, but the last time I checked, the Bible didn't have any of Judas' motives in there, so I'm just going to speculate. He knew that no amount of apologizing could fix what he had done, so he killed himself. Anyway, this is not about Judas. It's not really about anyone specifically. It could be, but it isn't. This is merely an observation which was brought to my attention recently.

Just because I don't look like a trophy, that doesn't mean I don't want to be treated like one.
Just because I don't write you letters, that doesn't mean I don't like getting them.
Just because I call on the name of Jesus that doesn't mean that I don't need you too.
Just because I read people, that doesn't mean I want to be read.
Just because I would rather follow you, that doesn't mean I don't have opinions of my own.
Just because I love you, that doesn't mean that I demand you love me back.

What is it about people that they often demand from others what they themselves are not willing to do? Is it because we're all given different gifts and to expect me to have the same ones as the next person is rediculous, or is it something else? Do I expect those around me to be nice to each other because I try to be, or is it just because it's expected by society? Why is it that I find Tuesdays so difficult? Why is it that I'm starting to feel smothered again? Why is it that time is moving too fast too slowly? Why is it that I can never actually coherently put down all my thoughts?

Friday, October 01, 2004

What is this?

New beginnings. A new month, a new project, a newly flowering friendship, a new outlook, a new desire......all things are made new through Christ who strengthens me. How did it get to this point? What has caused these new wishes in my heart? Are the wishes really new, or have they always been there and I've just now learned how to see them? What will become of this? What will become of me? What would Christ have me do? What will my family say? When will they ever come to see me again? My parents are only 40 minutes from here but can never find the time to visit. Why is it that I must always go to them? Why can they not come to me? Am I that hard to find? When will I ever be good enough? Why do the questions never stop?

What am I to do? Do I only think that I feel the way I think I do? Listening to my feelings is still new to me. I don't ask much for myself in this life and I wonder if I have found it. I have been praying about this nearly constantly for the last few weeks and I have grown weary of the wait for an answer. My mask has begun to fall off in front of others; I never fully realized how much energy it takes to keep it on. More than once today friends pointed out that I seem different...more reserved and quietly calm. I cannot help but feel that something is yet missing, but I don't know how to find the missing piece. Do I feel these things because of the weather, the upcoming wedding, life's stress, or is it real? I don't know. I do know what I want the answer to be, but honestly I don't know what it really is. I think I'm over-analyzing again.

My new prayer is that my parents can see the heart that I have seen. I pray also that we have the strength to accept the decision of my Tower Guards. I want so desperately to spare the both of us any hurt that I fear I may be passing up something truly wonderful. Will I ever be able to begin again? I hope that I can, and I hope that it works this time.....if this time is permitted. I'm trying not to become so attached to the hope that this beginning brings, so that if it is not approved it will not be such a heart ache and tragedy. But I already know that so much of myself is invested that were it not to gain approval I would retreat again at least temporarily.

I find myself unable to do work of any real quality. I sit and I read, but I don't care for the words on the pages. I stand and stare out the window for what seems like hours at a time and see nothing. I listen to music, but I don't hear the notes or words. I have never felt like this before. This is so foreign to my being that I hardly know what to do with myself. I want to be held so as to make the world disappear and to be spoken to as if there were no other woman alive. I long for so many things that I wonder if my desires do not cloud my judgement. I know what he says, but how can I know if he truly means them except that he says he does. I trust him. But what if the Guards do not? I must surrender myself to the will of my Guards. To disobey them would surely be disasterous. Perhaps they would be speaking the otherwise unspoken will of God? I want this to work this time and I know that it will not if the Grandparents of my children do not approve. Or, what if it is my Tower's Guards that make me to feel as if I belong in a room, oppressed and afraid of the light? Perhaps it is they who make me to feel as though I am smothered by the weight of the world? They love me. They know that I belong to God more than to them. How can I break free of my Tower's chains but retain the Guards as close friends? God, I can't do this anymore. I'm just going to let You take over from here.

I have begun to ramble and I'm afraid I have shared too much. Wow, it's really cheesey and poetic too. What can I say? I warned you that it was me--rated R.