Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Coming and going

I feel like my whole world has changed but nothing is moved. I've been faced with parts of my heart that I never knew existed. I've learned about generational blessings and curses which explain a lot of how I got this way. My fear of abandonment has driven many of my actions. I've always been afraid of losing love should I fail at what I set out to accomplish. I know it isn't true; I know that my family will go on loving me in spite of my shortcomings, but there's always been this little doubt whispered into my ear: "They want a perfect daughter and if you can't be perfect, they'll replace you." Jesus has been the only one I could run to my whole life. I know He's supposed to meet our every need, but honestly, I have often felt empty and lonely here. I've learned that I need to be less interested in the final destination of Peace and more involved in seeking my Lord. A child learns nothing and doesn't grow at all if his parents give him everything he desires. I can't learn patience and love and acceptance if I don't ask for them and wait for them...even when it seems they'll never arrive. God is the most faithful when it seems He has forgotten us. Rambling.

I'll soon have a new title to one small creature still a mystery to many. With that new title comes new responsibilities and opportunities...and a new kind of Christmas gift. Excited.

I'm still seeing the neighborman. This has become my longest relationship in consecutive days. It was off-and-on with the first man for 5 months--2 months, 2 weeks apart, then just under 3 months--a few summers ago. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months and 17 days today. I met him almost 4 months ago and I haven't been the same since. We know how each of us feels, but we're waiting to go somewhere with it. It's no longer the "getting to know you" stage. Crap. I've entered the girly realm of dreaming and wishing. I think I should go clean something. Time will tell with my sweetheart. I can wait.

Thursday, February 02, 2006

Long Time

Time moves in its own interesting way. Not long ago I was walking across a platform and given a diploma. It took me four years to accomplish that goal, yet looking back, it seems as nothing. Four years took forever but only a moment now. I long to treasure each moment we're together. The desire of my heart is to hold on to the now, but I struggle with thoughts and longings of the future. This place I'm in is new for me. I've loved so many people in my life, but this one is so much different. I find myself giggling at the memory that he calls just to tell me that I'm beautiful and wonderful. And I want to cry tears of real joy when I dwell on how happy he makes me. I gasp and can't breathe all at once. We've not even said anything of love out loud. Finally, here is a man who can tell me "no" and mean it. Here is a man who respects me enough that he fights me when I cannot. Just when I had all but given up, I met someone more wonderful than I knew existed. My heart is not completely given...time is the theme. We have time to become more acquainted; time to watch each other; time to listen to our hearts and minds; so much time to listen for God. So much time. In the now it seems that Time lingers and rushes ahead. I feel that Time lies in wait, and I cannot keep up. A new life beckons to me even as the old one whispers a sorrowfully forgotten farewell. So often now I fall on my knees and feel alone with my thoughts. I feel God is near to me through it all. I know He has control because I give it to Him. I feel crowded by my lonliness and I enjoy the quiet of this solitude. I feel it is a special calm before a terrific, terrifying, devestating, beautiful storm. I sit in powerful and passionate, silent anticipation for the Yet to Come. I feel the Earth's beautiful sorrow at being parted from the Creator. And I so vividly smell her Joy at the knowledge that all will soon be reunited...soon. I burst into Freedom's laugh when I dwell on the majesty of my God.

So many people have touched my life in so many beautiful ways. My heart's every beat cannot begin to thank God enough for my loving family and dear friends. Tears fall down my face when I remember those who have passed on, or moved on. Mostly for my dear older brother, Andrew. Growing up, I never fully realized what a fine man he would become and now that the time has come, and he is wonderful, I wish I could find a way to adequately relay to him all that he means to me and everyone else who loves and misses him. We will go on missing him until we see him again. I know he misses us, too. It won't be long, really. Enough tears, enough laughter, enough planning and hoping for this day. Time moves in its own interesting way.