Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Class time

Another musing from class:

I hear the call of Death. Not a terrible death filled with horror, but a death which is beautiful beyond the description of any language. This Death may be found in the songs of birds and in a glance lovers share. This is a death which heralds new Life; Life to be found in the passage of time. Not a death of Joy--or Hope--but the death of Depravity and Hopelessness. This Death calls to me and I turn my face completely and reach toward his embrace of strange Love...the Love of Death.

It kinda sounds morbid, but it's sunny and pretty in my mind. School is ending (as I've written before) and I'm okay with it. Finally. This end is the Death of one chapter which must occur for the Birth of the next chapter to open. I'm okay with it. I'm excited. Now I must begin my love notes...

Friday, April 22, 2005

Almost over

I just finished writing a paper over 1000 pages of reading. I only have about 1500 pages more to read and write about and then I'll be totally done with all my projects before finals next week. I've been searching for a way to let all my closest friends know how much they mean to me, and I've finally come up with a solution! I'll keep you updated on that.

I'm sensing more often the bittersweet quality which only comes with the end of a school year. This is a different kind of sweetness because it's my last school year. I don't feel bitter at this end. What I feel is a beautiful mix of sweetness and anticipation and fear. The sweetness comes from the knowledge that I've acomplished something big; the anticipation is bred from questions about the future; the fear from knowing I'm leaving some of my closest and dearest friends.

What will I do when I can't just go upstairs or across campus to get a hug from a friend? What will happen to me when a phone call just isn't enough? Will they even miss me like I know I'll miss them? I find myself intensely interested in what my fellow seniors will be doing in the next year. I want to sit down with so many of them--even ones I've never been very close to--and just talking about their plans. I love to watch the way their eyes light up when they talk about this summer, or their wedding, or the job they got. This is the time when so much joy is found all around me, and though I know it can't last, I desperately wish it could.

Even with all this joy, I know that not everyone is gleefully anticipating the next few weeks. For these precious people I pray that they'll not be bitter in the midst of all the happiness. I have experienced true Joy and I have had a taste of the Joy to come. With this taste comes the burning passion to share the Joy. If you ask me, I'll share it.

I have a friend whose heart hurts and I'm not sure what to do. The human in me wants to fix it, but I fully realize that there's nothing I can do to open their eyes. In fact, their eyes ARE open, but they turn their face away from the truth for the lack of proof. They know they hold their eternal life in the balance and yet they go on denying the existance of my soul's lover. In effect, this friend calls me not a liar, but blindly ignorant with regard to all things eternal. Last night we talked and my friend asked me HOW I know my beliefs are true. I can't explain in a way they'll understand because our hearts are not in the same place. All I can do is live and love them the only way I know how--completely and with all my heart.

This I think is enough from the mind and heart of this almost-graduate. I hope all have a beautiful day and good luck with the end of the school year!

Thursday, April 14, 2005

Opening Night

"Cinderella" went very well tonight, I was told. I went out with some of the cast afterward and I'm glad that I did. I've done that after the other shows I was in and I've had a different experience every time. Tonight was more fancy-free, but I felt much more responsible than I have before. I've matured so much in just the last two years that the person I was three years ago very nearly annoys me. I look back and what I see is a girl who desperately wanted to be in a relationship with anyone who would ask......if only they would ask. Now that I've been in two and broke both of them off for lists of reasons I can see that I only need Jesus. I want a man--but I need Jesus.

I got several comments regarding my post about the man I love. Given the nature of our relationship (and the fact that we've been very good friends for quite some time) I know that telling him how I feel is not yet the right course of action. I really do want to tell him, but I'm not about to throw myself at a man. Maybe it's pride, but it's more likely that I'm just waiting for him to make up his mind about me and get a job. And I don't want to put him in a position where he may be faced with perhaps ending communication with me after graduation. I'm going to give him a chance to say something to me about his feelings and then I'll speak up. If he wants to do the DTR (Define The Relationship) thing, I'm gonna make him go first--and then I'll be honest.

So, this was a good day. My picture's in the local paper for the play. More some other time.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

It's finally here!

Senioritis has finally arrived--and in full force. I want to spend all of next week doing as much work as I can so that I have as much time to play as possible. Will it happen? We'll see.

In other news: I'm working on something big. I'm going to try to put down in words my feelings about college and stuff. We'll see how that goes too.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005


I'll just babble for a while....we'll see what happens.

I've finally been able to seriously think about the future and all that it entails. I've been at this Christian College for four years now and I've only recently fully realized that I won't be here forever. Up til now it always felt like forever, but now I've noticed that I'm leaving all the people that I've grown to love over these last years. I've learned that there can never be enough time in the world for me to get tired of some of them and I've also learned that I've missed out on lots of time with some really wonderful people.

I've also finally accepted my feelings. I know I said this is "rated R" but this is a topic which is going to need some delicacy. Love has always been something that I have struggled with understanding, and though I still struggle, I have learned to accept that I love one man. Knowing that I love him and would immediately agree to marry him (if only he would ask) I also realize that it's not fair for me to actually wait for him without him asking me to. Is it? I can never feel about another the way I feel about him, and I shouldn't try. The attempt would fail and it wouldn't be fair to him or the new man or myself to even try to repeat it. The attempt would mean that I would be looking for another to fill his spot in my heart instead of just making a new spot for someone else. This man has my heart as much as any man can (unless God introduces me to someone I don't even know yet) and he will always have that spot because it's his to have. I can't have given it to him only to take it back and give the same part again. I can't forget about him and pretend that I don't love him. It just isn't fair.

In the last four years, I've also learned to accept my other feelings as a part of life. Another quote from my class musings: "Emotions are given in order to be felt--and shared--not squashed and hidden." God did not give me feelings so that I may hide them; He gave them to me to share my friends' burdens and joys and to experience Life as much as I can.

What is Life? Life is a piece of God. Everything that breathes and moves and experiences anything has Life given by God. Even the earth sings praise to God with every ocean wave and every snowflake and every blade of grass and every rock and every speck of dust. Everywhere I look I not only see God, but I feel Him and He is very near my heart. Birds don't look around to see who is listening before they sing.........they unashamedly sing as loudly as they can because they know that God is listening. (Whether or not they consciously know is not the point.) I, too want to cry out to God in the most joyous of songs and not feel ashamed; but I often do feel ashamed. Sometimes I concentrate so hard on doing things to please Him that I completely miss the unspeakable joy of just knowing He's present.

One last thing I wrote in class last Monday: "All creation holds its breath in beautiful, silent, and awful anticipation of the complete, unquestioned show of God's imcomparable power, judgement, and love." It's kind of a mouthful, but I like it.

I will here conclude this adventure into my mind. I may not be brilliant, but at least I know it.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

A poetic line

Only in our darkest dreams and most dreadful nightmares are found those things we fear to desire. It is not the monsters of sleep which frighten me, but the essence of their very existence.

I've recently discovered that I think in emotion--not words. That's why it takes me so long to think of something coherent to share......I have to translate everything from the language of my personal being into a language others can understand. When I can't properly translate this heart-language, I become frustrated along with my listener as they often misunderstand my deeper meanings.

I desire to find one with whom my heart may converse openly and freely with little translation needed. I have already found one who is close to helping me fully realize this hope, but he does not know these deeper longings abide in my heart. I have finally realized that these hopes for him refuse to be denied (I have tried for too long to squash them) but it is not for me to share them with him. I am the treasure......treasure is not made for hunting, but to be hunted. I wish he would hunt.

God, you know my every hope and desire more fully than I could ever feel them. I give this man to You along with my own heart. Lead me, Lord. My will is Yours.