Monday, November 29, 2004

Some expansion...

Well, here's the thing. We don't always know what God's will does have in store for us, but we can know what it does not include. I know that God does not want me to be an exotic dancer, but I don't know what He does want me to do. I have a list of the men God doesn't want me to be with, but I don't know who He does want me with. Make sense? Maybe God doesn't want me with anyone ever. Sometimes we have to go through the things that don't work so that we can more easily recognize the things that do.
I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'm pretty sure where not to go. I shouldn't go to Africa to live permanently. And I'm fairly certain that I shouldn't try to convert large numbers of Muslims all by myself. But I do know that God wants me to surrender my will completely to His. I'm not going to use this as a means of bashing anyone. This is not an outlet of that kind. This is a place where my thoughts go on the internet uncensored, but I realize that some of my thoughts are for specific people. In those cases, you get an email.

Sunday, November 28, 2004

Cut! Take 2!

Well, now what? I'm almost done with school and still have no clue as to what God wants me to do. And I've been through a tumultuous time recently.

I've just ended a relationship. Not just any I was determined to make work. That was the problem. It really had nothing to do with what others told me. The fact that he isn't what I need is really a secondary reason for why it didn't work. And, maybe it did work. The reason that I had to end things is because I was determined to do it by myself. There are two problems with this: #1=it takes three people to make a real relationship happen and #2=I need God's help. When choosing a life mate, one must consider all the other people who go into a relationship. You always hear that "you're not marrying the family" but you are. You marry the family because your children will be affected by them in ways that you won't and if you don't get along with the family the children will notice. And you marry the family because the person you marry is a part of that family and without the upbringing they've had, they wouldn't be the way they are. Are you following me?

So, yes. You really do marry the family. Now what does this do to love? This knowledge tests your love of the other person because we have to love them enough to allow them to love you AND your past experiences AND your family.......regardless of what all of it is like. This puts us in the position of leaving ourselves open to disappointment. Do we love fully knowing that others may not return that love? And if we do, how much of ourselves do we really invest in the relationship? I don't think I know anyone who forms a bond with someone just for the sake of the bond itself. People usually want something in return for their time.

I say that I was determined to MAKE the realtionship work, and I was......for a time. But I finally saw the futility of doing anything on my own and stopped everything when I discovered this. It isn't that I thought the other person didn't want a more active role, it's that I know the other person is not the one that God wants me to be with--that's why it was so much work on my part. Did I give him a chance to prove himself? Yes, and he proved himself not to be what God wants for my life. But it goes both ways. I am not what God wants for him. He wanted something serious, and I wasn't ready for that kind of a committment. Am I a terrible person? Probably. Am I selfish? At times. Do I wish that none of it had ever happened? No. We couldn't move on if we had always wondered "what if?"

So, perhaps all of this has served the purpose of getting the both of us to the point where we realize that God wants other things for our lives. Perhaps God used each of us to show the other that we're worth more than any person can prove to us. Nobody can ever deserve us or our affections but that doesn't mean that we should crop our requirement lists down to the bare minimum. My list was big before my first relationship when I trimmed it down to: All I really need is a good Christian man who loves me and wants to take care of me. There's so much more that needs to be there. Love is a huge thing and taking care of someone is not just financial (although that is a big part of it). It's also physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. And it wouldn't always be just me that would need may end up being parents, children, nieces/nephews, and siblings. I've learned again that it's okay to ask God for the big things. He is a big God and capable of giving huge blessings. I intend to ask Him for the biggest blessings that I can ever hope to get. True love through Him alone, an unquenchable thirst for Him and His word, and fearlessness in telling all I come into contact with of the unending mercy, grace, and everlasting life which comes only from Him. I pray these things for all of you as blessed my friends.

Monday, November 01, 2004

Happy Halloween...

The haunted places of my heart have been revealed. The doors had been closed for a long time and I thought they would stay that way forever. I have been called out of the darkness and I have felt that Christ has been pushing me into the light and to take the offered hand. Reverie has taken the hand and has become Andromeda (Rescued). The Daydream has chosen to awaken and has seen a beautiful dawn. Even as once I lived in the dark, Christ led me to the light given by the heart of a wonderful man. I pray that Christ leads us in our relationship and I hope He lets us grow closer to Him. Thank-you, God, for bringing me here and allowing me to see the beauty of your many gifts!