I won't be singing with Heartcry anymore after April. They took it better than I had anticipated. I won't be in Terre Haute for all of Jan-Mar. Still with the boyfriend...no longer dreaming about anyone else. So far, our gifts seem to blend well. We're teetering on the line between close and too close emotionally. I don't need to know all of his dark secrets (nor he mine) but we both feel compelled to share these. The sharing isn't the bad thing--it's the reason we would. I would share my whole heart with him in an effort to draw him closer to me and form more of a bond. Even doing this in the right setting with the same motive wouldn't be a bad thing. How do we fight this? Focusing on the day to day has helped me to stay somewhat emotionally independant from him. However, doing that also leaves me a little uncertain of myself and our relationship. We have a really great thing going and neither of us wants to ruin it. (There's a lot to be said for God-given self control.) He has a wonderful accountability set--his close friend/pastor. I don't. It's better for an accountability person to be someone who's not related because family didn't choose you, but friends do. I'm related to my close friend now and if I were to ask her to help me in this area I may also be asking her to keep secrets from her husband/my brother. I can't do that. So, that leaves me with the issue of having nobody to really open up to and share with. I don't want anyone to "fix it" or give me suggestions on how to do so myself, I just need someone to listen to me and make me feel like what I have to say is important--and not share it with anyone else!
So here is where I stand: trying to squash my emotions to protect my heart and feeling guilty for doing so. All my life I've been told I'm "too sensitive." It's my sensitivity that makes me so forgiving and compassionate. When someone gets angry with me I feel worse for having hurt them enough to yell at me than the fact that they're yelling. Anyway. I have no idea what the new year holds. All I know for sure is that God will love me through it and I will find joy in that fact. I won't be rich, but I'll have less debt. Sometimes the things of the heart take time to make sense. Right now, I'm happy with where I am.
Friday, December 16, 2005
Friday, December 09, 2005
I've reached the point of confusion. I can't seem to distinguish God's voice from the other voices. I've never had this problem this badly before. My dreams show me that I'm with the wrong man. I dream about the other desire of my heart...not my boyfriend. I feel a deeper happiness in my dreams about the younger one, but in dreams about the older one I feel inadequacy. He doesn't want to become attached to me if there comes a time when God wants us to end our relationship. I don't operate that way. Now I'm confused about the whole thing. If ever I needed your prayers, it's now.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Snow time has arrived for good, I think. My opinion of snow is that it's very pretty to look at and to watch fall, but the cold it takes to get any is just not worth it to me. I'm not a big fan of cold. Although, the cold weather reminds me to fully appreciate the hot weather when it comes. Lots going on in my head. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time...how can I plan ahead that way? It's difficult to work around the schedules of others if you take things one day at a time. Sigh.