Monday, January 24, 2005

Meaningless update

It's cold in the Midwest. It's cold here in Indiana. It's cold in Northern Indiana. It's cold in Winona Lake. It's cold at Grace College. It's cold in my dorm. It's cold in my room. I'm cold. I did homework all day long. I left my room a grand total of three times today all of which were trips upstairs to my friends fridge and the last was a trip upstairs to the fridge and to post another overnight slip for the same friend. My life is absolutely amazing, right? No. I'm feeling extremely ambitious to do things that I haven't been asked to do. For example, I haven't been asked to join a company and make $100,000/year. I want to do all my work here so successfully that my profs will all remember me by name instead of "The overweight redhead who always sits in the middle of class." (Before anyone tries to tell me that I'm not overweight, I'd like to point out that 160 lbs. for a 5' 4" tall woman is 30 lbs. overweight. And I'm not going to listen to all that talk about "big bones" and "men like curvey women") I want people to remember me for not just telling them about myself, but for listening to them. I want others to recall that I was never purposely mean to them. I want people to know that I stick up for them when they're not around to do it themselves. I want more than anything else to be remembered! But does it really make any difference if I am? Even recently I had someone I had never met before come up to me and ask, were you the princess in that play I saw? Yes, I was. I was a princess once. The next year I was a queen. I'm still a princess, but not in a play. I belong to God. I am a child of the only creator of any universe. They say that an elephant has an incredible memory. Well, God made that memory. That tells me that God has an absolutely unfathomable memory. (I can only remember to my 7th year, but God created Time itself. That's pretty incredible.) I guess this update isn't so meaningless after all. If nobody else remembers me for anything, God remembers me because I am His. That's enough for me.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Something new

I don't know how new this is, but I'm gonna try doing things a little differently. Don't worry, I'm not going to put any of your dark secrets on here (I don't want to know them anyway) I'm just going to be completely and totally real. I'm fragile. Not in the sense that I need to be rescued or anything. It's just that little things hurt me.......but they don't. I'm not the one who feels the pain--you do. It hurts me when people make a bigger deal out of things than what needs to be because I see that they cause themselves so much more stress than is needed. It hurts me to see other people hiding behind their "Christian" walls. Our speaker in chapel made very real the wonderful point that if we want revival in our churches it has to begin in our own hearts. I can't just sit in a pew and wait for revival to happen in my church--the new beginning has to occur in my own heart first. If Jesus isn't in complete control of my life and heart then there is no hope. When I think of the years that I've wasted just sitting around and waiting for something to happen instead of letting it happen, I want to lay on the floor and spend hours just doing nothing.....but that's the problem=I've been doing nothing. The knowledge that I don't need to be married to make a difference shows me how much more time has been wasted in waiting for others. When I think of the fact that God loves me and I didn't have to do anything to earn His divine love and mercy it blows my mind. It's our fallen nature that makes us believe that we have to earn everything we get, but we don't. There's no way we'll ever be able to earn what God freely offers through His Son.

I say I'm fragile. I mean that, but it's not what you may think. It hurts me to see other people suffer. I get absolutely no pleasure in watching others go through painful experiences. When I see someone hurting all I want to do is encourage them and give them some astonishing piece of advice, but I don't know how. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. He takes care of them in ways that I cannot. Somehow, He comforts those who cannot be comforted by me--that's enough for me. I hurt, but it's not always for myself. Mostly it's for those I see around me who get caught up in criticizing others so much that they forget to do a self-check. They forget that Jesus died for the person they're ripping to shreds just as much as He died for them. The criticizer forgets that God doesn't care that someone else has ugly shoes, or didn't take a shower one day. God cares that maybe that person can't afford name-brand shoes, or maybe they were helping a friend make through the lowest point of their life and didn't have time for a shower. The point is that God sees the things that we don't and that we don't want to see. We see something unfashionable, but God sees someone worth dying for.

How can I go on with my life the way it is? I claim to be a Christian, but I let my mind wander to sinful things. I claim to want to follow Christ, but I get caught up in all the "it's none of my business" and "if they wanted you to know, they would tell you." Is that what it means to love the God who formed my heart and mind? Does loving God include chasing after things that I know He doesn't want me to have, just because I can run? Loving and following the Almighty means doing what He wants, not just what I want. Sometimes it hurts.....but that's just us being stupid and unbending.

I say, why don't we all just focus on the good things about people and try to forget about their short-comings? We all already know what's wrong with's just that Jesus loves us anyway. Let's focus on that.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Fitting in

Sometimes I just want to haul off and tell people exactly what I think of them. I see in others exactly what I see in myself and I know it would be easier to tell others about their imperfections in order to make myself feel better and it's less work than trying to fix them in myself. Did that sentence even make sense?

While I was at home for the semester break, I didn't do a whole lot of reflection. I spent a good portion of my time wasting it. I read a few books, put together a few puzzles, played some cards, watched movies, and left home very little. I didn't see any of my friends (save one) and I rather enjoyed that. It's nice to have friends, but I really learn to appreciate them when they're gone for a while. I feel like I'm out of place here now. I can't sleep because I'm not tired. I want to tell people exactly what I think of them, but that would mean that I have to be open to listening to their opinions regarding me. I would have to be prepared to hear the worst, and frankly, I'm too lazy to prepare myself for that. I'm in a state of apathy. I don't care about you. I don't care about the earth. I don't care about school. But I'm sure I'll be myself again in a few days. At least, I hope I will be.

I saw him across a crowded room and I wondered whether or not he even noticed me.
I've seen his eyes before, and known his heart in my dreams.
He is only a dream; an illusion sent to tempt and frustrate.
I keep telling myself, "It's only a dream..."
When will I awake?