Years ago I would imagine my future and this point always seemed so far away. I have just completed the first semester of my senior year of college. I remember thinking that this point in my life would never arrive and here it is. Right now. I used to think, "When I turn 20, THEN I'll be an adult." 20 came and went and now I'm 22. My whole life to this point seems like it was a dream; like I wasn't really the one living it--just watching. Now I face leaving all that I have come to know and love here at Grace. I have to seriously sit down and think about where I want to spend my future tomorrows. I should have some idea about decisions by now, but I don't. I thought I knew who I'd marry once.....at least I thought I would by now. I thought I'd know the kind of job I'd have "when I grow up." I thought I'd have my life all planned perfectly. Well, at least enough that I would learn to never procrastinate.

After staying up until 5:30am yesterday finishing a project, I realize that I have a long way to go. I don't read my Bible enough. I don't pray enough. I'm selfish. I really don't mind cold weather, but I hate being cold. I desperately long to have someone who'll let me hold them.....I long more to be held myself. That's my problem: I'm desperate. Why can't I be consistantly desperate for my Lord? Why does everything I desire have to go through some kind of emotional filter before I know why I desire it? Why is it so hard for me to realize that I'll never be a perfect princess in one of those perfect stories where everyone is attractive and sweet? Even knowing that'll never happen doesn't prevent me wanting it so badly that I'm still awake at 3:12am thinking about it. I've always had a facination with fairy tale romance. Sure, every girl wants a prince charming, but my facination runs deeper than just the showy parts of it. Happily ever after doesn't really work. It looks pretty darn good on paper, but I've always known that a relationship takes hard work and dedication; romance doesn't "just happen." Knowing it doesn't work that way doesn't prevent my desire for a storybook romance.

I lie awake at night wondering what my future mate is doing. I wonder if he's thinking about me even though we have no idea who each other is yet. It's tiring to love someone, but it's even more tiring to love someone and have no idea who tbey are. I love my husband without knowing his name. I have no idea how he takes his coffee.....IF he takes coffee at all. I will not settle for less than love (and all the starred items on my list) and I tire of looking for the man who can fulfill the role of my husband. Is that the problem? Have I truly been looking this whole time? Is that what I've been doing wrong? I can honestly say that no, I have not been looking. I have attempted to mold 2 different men into something that I could love forever, but God saved me from my own ignorance. He told me that I don't have to "mold" anyone into my husband because He's working on that now. It's not my job to mold anyone. The only thing that I have to do is to allow God to mold me.

Sometimes when I feel down, Lord,/And clouds are all I see,/My heart begins to question all Your faithfulness to me./That's when, dear Lord, remind me,/Tho' it's hard to understand,/That Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

And teach me to remember,/It's the Potter's right to choose/The purpose for His vessels/And the method He will use./For who am I to question/All You've written in Your plans?/For Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

The Potter takes the clay and turns it in His hands/Sometimes to start again He needs to break it./But when He stops the wheel,/His loving hands reveal/a work of art the way He wants to make it. O Lord, my heart can take it.

So if You want to mold me,/I'm ready for the pain./I know that You will hold me/'Til Your purose is made plain./In every pain or pleasure/I delight in Your commands,/For Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.
~A Vessel in Your Hands
By Larry Shackley

I sang this song in church on Sunday. I usually break down in the middle of it, but I didn't this time. Each time I sing it it means more to me. Everything that my soul cries out to God is in this song. I KNOW that things are supposed to hurt sometimes, and I try to be ready for it. I KNOW that God holds me through all the hurts that I experience, but it doesn't make them hurt any less. I am nothing, and God loves me. He loves ME. ME! I have no worth to anyone without God's love. At the end of the day, no matter what I've done, God is there. At the end of this year, with all the wrongs I've committed, God is there, too. God loves me. At the end of time itself, God will be the only thing that I'll even care about. Whether you're in heaven singing about God for all eternity, or if you're burning in hell, GOD is the only thing that any of us will want. And God loves me. Do I love God? Yes. I desire God more than passionately than I desire my next breath. My hope to walk inside His will for my life is more important for me to chase than any hope of attracting any man on this planet. How do I show God that I love Him? I don't preach at people from the TV. I don't give vast amounts of money to the poor.....or anyone else, for that matter. I don't intend to move to Africa to care for the sick and dying in His name. All I can do is live my life for Him. Where I'll do that is unknown to me. But God knows where I'll be doing it, and how I'll sustain myself. All I have to do is trust God. He loves me. At the end of time, God is there........He's the only one who matters. Maybe I should start living like I truly believe that.

God, I know that You love me more than any husband ever could. You didn't die just because You love us.....You died to SAVE us. You're the only one who could ever truly save anyone; all I ask is that You point out to me those who I can tell about Your wonderful gift. All I want is to show who You are to the lost. Just say "Go" and I'll go.......and I know that You'll go with me. I'm ready, Lord, show me where.

God's voice

In the first dream I was walking up a staircase with 2 men unknown to me in reality. In the dream, I felt a sense of responsibility toward both of them. We were headed to a specific room with one big wall-sized window covered with a sheer curtain. On the back wall was a large bookcase filled with old, dusty books. The wall opposite the window had 2 doors in it. I remember feeling an evil presence as we three climbed the stairs, and I knew I was engaging in spiritual warfare. I was leaving the younger man at this place--an asylum of some kind. The older man was his brother. The younger one kept attempting to harm me physically by biting me and pushing me, but I wasn't afraid of him. I started talking to him about Jesus. I could tell his older brother was talking, but I couldn't make out his words or meaning. That fact didn't seem to bother him or myself. We entered the room and I sat on the arm of an over-stuffed chair with the older brother. Jesus came up again with the younger asking to know more about Him. I moved and sat on his lap and he transformed as I began to tell of Christ. His eyes became darker and wider, his bared teeth had large gaps in them and were covered in blood--as if he had just bitten through someone. I drew backa little and put my hand to his throat to hold him back and cried to to Jesus to help me. All this time the older man had a been yelling at me and slapping at me, but was never quite able to reach me. I knew that asking Jesus' help would make me safe. I knew that if I kept calling for Him I would be okay. I was still very afraid. The next thing I saw, I was rocking back and forth on my knees on the floor with my eyes closed and my hands covering my ears, and I was singing a song which must belong only in my dreams. The words and tune I can almost remember. I could see the demons in human form dancing around me in my mind's eye and I could hear their evil laughter and taunts, but I continued to rock on the floor trying to drown out their sound with my song to my savior. I knew that they could not harm me as long as Jesus would help me.

It was a mix of knowing I had nothing to fear, but still being afraid for my life. I was afraid that I would get tired and fall asleep on the floor and that they would take me over. I was afraid of losing my soul to the dark side if I were to fall asleep. I was fearlessly afraid.

In the next dream, I was leaving campus on an errand in our suburban during a soft rain. It was dark and I had to go through a series of tunnels to reach my destination. On my travels, I realized I had made a wrong turn, but had no way of correcting the mistake. I was in heavy traffic and suddenly found that all vehicles had disappeared, but this seemed normal to me. Hundreds of people were milling around in this underground tunnel wondering what to do. I had the feeling that there was some information missing from the posted directions for exiting the tunnel. I KNEW something was missing, and I could ALMOST remember what it was. I tried to break away from the confused mob to search for the needed information, but the people were everywhere; it seemed they were calmly panicking. I remember feeling frantic. I sensed a time limit to finding the way out.
Towards the back of the tunnel there was a conveyor belt--much like the baggage claim area in an airport. The page with directions on using it to escape was partially missing. Not just any part, the CAUTION! The part where it outlines all the things you need to be careful to avoid in exiting the tunnel. My father was there helping me try to remember. (He wasn't really a prominent figure in the dream; I had more the feeling that he was there.) Eventually we just jumped onto the belt and rode it to the top. We went through danders and made it to the top with some (fleeting) thought as to how the other people in the tunnel would make it out. I almost wanted to find a way to go back and tell the others how to make it, but the desire to finish the "race" and get through the new dangers I sensed to be coming won out and the last thing I remember is jumping off the belt in a factory-type setting and trying to avoid the workers who were yelling at me to stop. It had the feel of a movie ending which leads into a continuation.

In both of these dreams, nobody touched me in a harmful manner. The people would reach for me and threaten me, but they were never quite able to touch me. I was afraid of what they threatened to do to me, but I was also fearless because I knew that they could never really hurt me because I knew and called on Jesus. They would scream at me that Jesus didn't really love me and that He wasn't really there, and that He was imaginary, and I was afraid to fall asleep because I was afraid that I would awaken and believe it. I kinda feel like God allowed me to hear and see my own demons and guided my dreamed-of actions so that I would be reassured that He never leaves me......not even in my sleep.

Schindler--I mean, Amanda's List

So, I pushed the "Publish" button and lost everything I just wrote. I'll just do it all over again. Everyone should have a list of necessary qualifications for one of the opposite sex to have before being considered for personal romantic affections. This is mine......

(*=denotes a quality not open to question or debate; #=quality which is open to subjective review)

*Must be a Christian
Ambitious
Emotionally stable
*Financially responsible
*Intelligent
Genuine with emotion....not superficial or 'fake'
*Generous
*Patient
Kind to those he supervises
*Respected by all who know him
#No "experience"
*Unselfish
Energetic
*Sociable
Musically talented
*Faithful and loyal
*Self-assured and confident
Attractive
*Has direction in life
Loving
*Willing to work hard
*Must get along with my family
Assertive
Willing to have fun
Puts his own wishes aside for those of others
Not afraid of a little dirt
*Puts God's will and desires ahead of his own
*Won't pressure me....lets things happen in God's time
Healthy, but doesn't obsess
Doesn't want another mother
*Keeps track of his own stuff
Willing to help with household chores
*Loves his family and wants to start one of his own
*Learns from past mistakes instead of repeating them
Enjoys the simple things in life
Likes being indoors AND outdoors
*Enjoys his own company....not too clingy or needy
*Is a leader....but not domineering or tyrannical
Not afraid to cry
Talks during movies.....or at least doesn't mind that I do
*Willing to share his opinion...but doesn't try to convince others to agree with him
Knows when to stop pushing an issue
Not afraid of my tears
*Considerate of me and others
*Realizes he doesn't know everything
Knows that sometimes all I need is someone to listen, I can "fix it" myself
*Won't compromise my integrity

I'm sure this isn't a complete list (even for me), but this is all I can add now. Perhaps more will develop as I meet new people and stuff. Now I wonder if men like this actually exist in reality?

The stuff of life

As I go through my classes here at this institute for higher learning, occasionally things strike me as profound. (Gosh, that means I must pay attention in class or something) For example, I learned today the vast importance of considering other people and respecting their opinion during conflict. You're probably thinking, "Duh, of course it's important to be considerate." But not everyone is Christian. And some people like to argue just for the sake of having some kind of a disagreement. Then there's the people who take every little comment out of context and become offended by them. In the corporate world, conflicts arise and each person experiencing the conflict automatically asks the question, "How will this affect me and my success?" How does God see conflict? Whether or not the conflict is good or bad in our own selfish eyes, God approaches it with OUR interest in mind. Christ had a conflict of sorts with the rich young ruler. The young man came to Him and asked how to gain eternal life. Instead of only telling the ruler that one thing is needed, or that it was too late for him, Christ looked into the man's heart and got right to the point. He pointed out that which was closest to the young man and made him see that his worldly wealth was distracting him from the ways of God. No doubt Jesus' words continued to cause a war in the young man's mind long after. We talked about this in class today.....no joke!

Would Jesus have confronted the rich man's heart if He were only looking for personal gain? I think not. Selfish people claim to look to the interests of others, but (sometimes unknowingly) truly desire only their own gain. The "ladder of success" needs to be climbed by someone, right? Who better to climb it than me? I've never seen an episode of "The Apprentice", but from reading the reviews for the show and talking to those who have seen it, I have come to the conclusion--and I realize that it's not a completely educated conclusion having not watched it myself--that the contestants on the show were perfect examples of what I'm talking about. Those people were willing to do anything and everything to get ahead of the others. Now I know it was a competition, but what I'm trying to illustrate is the difference between a Christ like attitude and the attitudes we'll all come into contact with in the future. I can't bluntly tell a non-believer that he's wrong without alienating him, but I can set a good example. In the same way, I cannot MAKE someone believe that Jesus loves them, I have to SHOW them. Among friends that show often includes a conflict. I've often heard the term "call to account." I've even tried it a few times. It's not a pleasant thing to have to do, but we are called to be Christ like and Christ did tell people when they do something that's wrong.

But we also have to be willing to have others tell us that we're wrong too. Last I checked, there has only ever been one perfect person, and I'm not him......neither are you. This week I had to tell more than one friend that some of their actions were wrong. They didn't like hearing it and I didn't like telling it. Sometimes we have to do those things we really don't want to do. I'm sure Christ didn't WANT to suffer the atrocities that He did, but I'm glad He did. That's kinda morbid, isn't it? I'm GLAD Christ went through horrible nightmarish physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. But at the same time, I know that He conquered death. And because He conquered death, I can live with Him forever in heaven. (I'll have to write more about heaven later.)

So, yeah.....conflict is astounding. Friends who come through conflict and grow closer because of or in spite of conflict are even more astounding to me than the power of the deeper emotions...I should stop there.

Some expansion...

Well, here's the thing. We don't always know what God's will does have in store for us, but we can know what it does not include. I know that God does not want me to be an exotic dancer, but I don't know what He does want me to do. I have a list of the men God doesn't want me to be with, but I don't know who He does want me with. Make sense? Maybe God doesn't want me with anyone ever. Sometimes we have to go through the things that don't work so that we can more easily recognize the things that do.
I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'm pretty sure where not to go. I shouldn't go to Africa to live permanently. And I'm fairly certain that I shouldn't try to convert large numbers of Muslims all by myself. But I do know that God wants me to surrender my will completely to His. I'm not going to use this as a means of bashing anyone. This is not an outlet of that kind. This is a place where my thoughts go on the internet uncensored, but I realize that some of my thoughts are for specific people. In those cases, you get an email.

Cut! Take 2!

Well, now what? I'm almost done with school and still have no clue as to what God wants me to do. And I've been through a tumultuous time recently.

I've just ended a relationship. Not just any relationship...one I was determined to make work. That was the problem. It really had nothing to do with what others told me. The fact that he isn't what I need is really a secondary reason for why it didn't work. And, maybe it did work. The reason that I had to end things is because I was determined to do it by myself. There are two problems with this: #1=it takes three people to make a real relationship happen and #2=I need God's help. When choosing a life mate, one must consider all the other people who go into a relationship. You always hear that "you're not marrying the family" but you are. You marry the family because your children will be affected by them in ways that you won't and if you don't get along with the family the children will notice. And you marry the family because the person you marry is a part of that family and without the upbringing they've had, they wouldn't be the way they are. Are you following me?

So, yes. You really do marry the family. Now what does this do to love? This knowledge tests your love of the other person because we have to love them enough to allow them to love you AND your past experiences AND your family.......regardless of what all of it is like. This puts us in the position of leaving ourselves open to disappointment. Do we love fully knowing that others may not return that love? And if we do, how much of ourselves do we really invest in the relationship? I don't think I know anyone who forms a bond with someone just for the sake of the bond itself. People usually want something in return for their time.

I say that I was determined to MAKE the realtionship work, and I was......for a time. But I finally saw the futility of doing anything on my own and stopped everything when I discovered this. It isn't that I thought the other person didn't want a more active role, it's that I know the other person is not the one that God wants me to be with--that's why it was so much work on my part. Did I give him a chance to prove himself? Yes, and he proved himself not to be what God wants for my life. But it goes both ways. I am not what God wants for him. He wanted something serious, and I wasn't ready for that kind of a committment. Am I a terrible person? Probably. Am I selfish? At times. Do I wish that none of it had ever happened? No. We couldn't move on if we had always wondered "what if?"

So, perhaps all of this has served the purpose of getting the both of us to the point where we realize that God wants other things for our lives. Perhaps God used each of us to show the other that we're worth more than any person can prove to us. Nobody can ever deserve us or our affections but that doesn't mean that we should crop our requirement lists down to the bare minimum. My list was big before my first relationship when I trimmed it down to: All I really need is a good Christian man who loves me and wants to take care of me. There's so much more that needs to be there. Love is a huge thing and taking care of someone is not just financial (although that is a big part of it). It's also physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. And it wouldn't always be just me that would need caretaking.......it may end up being parents, children, nieces/nephews, and siblings. I've learned again that it's okay to ask God for the big things. He is a big God and capable of giving huge blessings. I intend to ask Him for the biggest blessings that I can ever hope to get. True love through Him alone, an unquenchable thirst for Him and His word, and fearlessness in telling all I come into contact with of the unending mercy, grace, and everlasting life which comes only from Him. I pray these things for all of you as well........be blessed my friends.

Happy Halloween...

The haunted places of my heart have been revealed. The doors had been closed for a long time and I thought they would stay that way forever. I have been called out of the darkness and I have felt that Christ has been pushing me into the light and to take the offered hand. Reverie has taken the hand and has become Andromeda (Rescued). The Daydream has chosen to awaken and has seen a beautiful dawn. Even as once I lived in the dark, Christ led me to the light given by the heart of a wonderful man. I pray that Christ leads us in our relationship and I hope He lets us grow closer to Him. Thank-you, God, for bringing me here and allowing me to see the beauty of your many gifts!

What what?

So, in class today I was writing in my journal of sorts and wrote down a poem that I began last night when I couldn't sleep again. Disclaimer: This is only the very rough first copy and aimed at nobody in particular.

My love for you is as sure as that the ocean will touch the shore.
I love you more deeply than the words of Eros could describe.
The affection I hold for you is such that I lay awake at night to simply marvel at your existence.
I desire you as an artist desires a muse.
My promise to you is as that of a child who promises untold potential.
I trust you as an innocent trusts that the rain will come.
I love you as softly as the beat of a baby's heart in the throes of peaceful sleep.
My love for you is as pure as the red in the bow of God's after-the-rain promise.
...Even as I love you, know that Christ loves you infinitely more!
His love is MORE sure than the phases of the moon! For even the moon obeys His command!
His love reaches more deeply than temptation can ever reach!
His love for you is more truly blue than all the shades of the sky can ever hope to represent!
He desires your heart as a lover desires the heart of his beloved!
I love you, but I cannot see your heart.....Christ sees your black heart and loves you still! Though I love you for who you are and who you will be, Christ loves even who you were. For all that I love you, my love cannot compare with that of the soul's perfect lover--Christ.

And that's it, folks. That is basically what I wrote today in my early class during a moment of inspiration. What did I think about today? I thought about: how tired I am, how sick I feel, how much I like to have spare time and how little I really have, how stressed I am over my classes and unfinished projects, how much I need to go to the rec center, how much I love my friends, how I find Festival Chorus is supposed to consume more of my life than it does, how I actually like being a TA, how frustrated I can get over silly things in the classroom, how I wish I knew more about being a good stage-manager, and many other things which were clouded over due to my lack of good sleep.
I also thought about trust. Am I really willing to trust others? Can I trust others with even my heart anymore? I'm sure I can, but I think that I need to temper that trust with at least understanding that people are not perfect and I need to be ready to forgive the hurts that are sure to come...

Love?

I am a woman in love. Not with things of this world, or people. I am not in love with those things which women usually fall in love with—puppies, children, men. I am not in love with the past, or the future. I am a woman in love with the now. Everywhere I look I can see my God’s handiwork and I am in love with how much He has shown me. I see the leaves change color on the trees, I see the special look in his eye, I see how much my family loves me….but none of that can compare with the simple miracle that I see.

I am a woman in love. I do not love that which is not nor do I love what has been. I love the infinite possibilities God holds in a solitary moment. God knows everything. Not only what will be, but He knows every possibility for what could happen for every available choice. If I go left, He knows all the avenues of choice that decision will open. If I go right, He still knows what the future holds. He also knows the choice that I will make and every opportunity which will open because of that decision. I am in love with God’s power, His grace, and His love.

I am a woman in love with her savior. Even though I turn my back on Him at some point every day, and days may go by without even talking to Him, He still loves me with an infinite love. I just sit back and watch His creations interact and go their own ways, and I know that He loves them too. Every time a little squirrel runs across my path to bury a nut, I know that God watches him and tells him where to bury it. I also know that God will remind him where it is later. If God tells even a squirrel where his food is hidden, what has He to tell me? How could I not be in love with a God like that?

The terrible twos

Wednesday was the most beautiful day of my life thus far. I woke up at 6:00am and walked out the door at 6:25am. Upon stepping outside with my friend, I was awed at the most beautiful birthday morning in my memory. It was gently raining and the air smelled of autumn; I knew it was destined to be a wonderful day. My work-out went very well and as my friend and I left the Rec center I felt happy and carefree. The day progressively got better as I went about all my daily duties and actually got to take a nap! Then I got ready for the big night out with my friends. Because they love me, they all dressed up very nicely and rented an "Amish Van" and took me out to Olive Garden for supper and fun. There were only a few hitches in the evening but not anything I would even write home about anymore. It's wonderful to be 22...

My promise of nun-hood is over, but I find myself still waiting. I am waiting for the next step, although not patiently. What should I do with myself? What should I do with him? There are so many questions floating around in my brain that I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I feel that I have found one who can understand my thoughts without my ever having to say them out loud. I feel as though I am truly respected by one of the opposite sex. Not like before... I feel as if I could be content to watch the clouds go by slowly with him, never saying a word yet communicating on a plane I never knew existed before. But the best part is that I feel. I feel. Something I am largely unfamiliar with is suddenly visiting me very clearly. I have begun to truly feel the presence of Christ in my life. But why? Is it because of him? Is it because I took time out of myself to search for Christ in my heart? Do I feel all of this now because I want to; am I making it up? I guess only time will tell.

In other news, I am way psyched about wedding dress shopping with my friend this weekend. And, it's fall break! I only shared a little of what's in my brain today. I feel that more will come later...

Oops

Well, sometimes people surprise us again. "What's going on?" you ask. I'll tell you. The reason it hurts so much when friends are mean is because they know how to hurt us the deepest. And, being our friend, they should feel badly when they hurt us. But the deepest hurt anyone can do is to just not care that they hurt another. Even Judas was a friend. He felt so badly at betraying his friend that he killed himself. You may say that that's biblically inaccurate, but the last time I checked, the Bible didn't have any of Judas' motives in there, so I'm just going to speculate. He knew that no amount of apologizing could fix what he had done, so he killed himself. Anyway, this is not about Judas. It's not really about anyone specifically. It could be, but it isn't. This is merely an observation which was brought to my attention recently.

Just because I don't look like a trophy, that doesn't mean I don't want to be treated like one.
Just because I don't write you letters, that doesn't mean I don't like getting them.
Just because I call on the name of Jesus that doesn't mean that I don't need you too.
Just because I read people, that doesn't mean I want to be read.
Just because I would rather follow you, that doesn't mean I don't have opinions of my own.
Just because I love you, that doesn't mean that I demand you love me back.

What is it about people that they often demand from others what they themselves are not willing to do? Is it because we're all given different gifts and to expect me to have the same ones as the next person is rediculous, or is it something else? Do I expect those around me to be nice to each other because I try to be, or is it just because it's expected by society? Why is it that I find Tuesdays so difficult? Why is it that I'm starting to feel smothered again? Why is it that time is moving too fast too slowly? Why is it that I can never actually coherently put down all my thoughts?

What is this?

New beginnings. A new month, a new project, a newly flowering friendship, a new outlook, a new desire......all things are made new through Christ who strengthens me. How did it get to this point? What has caused these new wishes in my heart? Are the wishes really new, or have they always been there and I've just now learned how to see them? What will become of this? What will become of me? What would Christ have me do? What will my family say? When will they ever come to see me again? My parents are only 40 minutes from here but can never find the time to visit. Why is it that I must always go to them? Why can they not come to me? Am I that hard to find? When will I ever be good enough? Why do the questions never stop?

What am I to do? Do I only think that I feel the way I think I do? Listening to my feelings is still new to me. I don't ask much for myself in this life and I wonder if I have found it. I have been praying about this nearly constantly for the last few weeks and I have grown weary of the wait for an answer. My mask has begun to fall off in front of others; I never fully realized how much energy it takes to keep it on. More than once today friends pointed out that I seem different...more reserved and quietly calm. I cannot help but feel that something is yet missing, but I don't know how to find the missing piece. Do I feel these things because of the weather, the upcoming wedding, life's stress, or is it real? I don't know. I do know what I want the answer to be, but honestly I don't know what it really is. I think I'm over-analyzing again.

My new prayer is that my parents can see the heart that I have seen. I pray also that we have the strength to accept the decision of my Tower Guards. I want so desperately to spare the both of us any hurt that I fear I may be passing up something truly wonderful. Will I ever be able to begin again? I hope that I can, and I hope that it works this time.....if this time is permitted. I'm trying not to become so attached to the hope that this beginning brings, so that if it is not approved it will not be such a heart ache and tragedy. But I already know that so much of myself is invested that were it not to gain approval I would retreat again at least temporarily.

I find myself unable to do work of any real quality. I sit and I read, but I don't care for the words on the pages. I stand and stare out the window for what seems like hours at a time and see nothing. I listen to music, but I don't hear the notes or words. I have never felt like this before. This is so foreign to my being that I hardly know what to do with myself. I want to be held so as to make the world disappear and to be spoken to as if there were no other woman alive. I long for so many things that I wonder if my desires do not cloud my judgement. I know what he says, but how can I know if he truly means them except that he says he does. I trust him. But what if the Guards do not? I must surrender myself to the will of my Guards. To disobey them would surely be disasterous. Perhaps they would be speaking the otherwise unspoken will of God? I want this to work this time and I know that it will not if the Grandparents of my children do not approve. Or, what if it is my Tower's Guards that make me to feel as if I belong in a room, oppressed and afraid of the light? Perhaps it is they who make me to feel as though I am smothered by the weight of the world? They love me. They know that I belong to God more than to them. How can I break free of my Tower's chains but retain the Guards as close friends? God, I can't do this anymore. I'm just going to let You take over from here.

I have begun to ramble and I'm afraid I have shared too much. Wow, it's really cheesey and poetic too. What can I say? I warned you that it was me--rated R.

Joy

Last weekend Reverie smiled the smile of pure and complete joy for another...her brother is getting married.

The little girl

The "real me" has a name now. Her name is Reverie. Yes, Reverie because that's what she is...a daydream.
Reverie sits in the dark waiting to be rescued. Many people walk by her in the incompletely dark room and never see her cowering in the corner. A few people have stopped to ask her questions, but none have been true enough to their unspoken promise of friendship. Reverie answered their questions and even looked to them for hope, but inevitably they all turned away and continued on their own journeys. We found her still sitting and waiting. She wonders, "When my tears finally stop, will my heart be forever broken? I have had friends before and they merely got what they wanted and continued on their way. Will my heart harden against all hope of ever being rescued?" She sits and waits...and waits...and waits. She finally realized that Christ has been with her in the dark this whole time. They begin to talk and months go by. May turns into June, and so on until today. Reverie remembers that Christ has made many friends who also have turned from Him. He reminds her that He even died for those who never knew Him. Even while they are talking, Reverie sees a hand reaching into the darkness of her small room. Dare she take the hand? There is the chance that the hand will draw back and refuse to grasp hers in return. Reverie looks again to Christ. He is standing next to the mysterious hand with His own extended to help her off the floor. The owner of the hand tells her that she must get beyond what has happened before in order to experience what is yet to come. Inside, Reverie knows he is right, but she also knows that the others said the same thing, "Move on." She wants to grasp the hand and hold on tight for she feels that here is one who may understand what she feels and wants. But what is she to do right now?

Reverie is now standing at the door of her room and is peering out at the world. She is no longer merely a child, but a woman. A full grown woman on the threshold of life. She looks out the doorway and sees someone standing not far away. In order to get to him, she must come out of the dark entirely and look to the future and not the past or the present. She's not ready. Christ has not yet given her permission to move on. I predict that Reverie will continue to sit with Christ alone for a while yet. How long has yet to be determined, but I feel she will step into the light with Christ and move to take the mysterious outstretched hand...

Another twist in this thing called life

Sometimes life surprises you and then sometimes friends surprise you too. I'll be blunt: I know you two are dating.....I'm not stupid. When were you planning to tell me?

Sometimes when I feel down, Lord
and clouds are all I see
my heart begins to question
all Your faithfulness to me.
That's when, dear Lord remind me
though it's hard to understand
that, Lord, You are the potter
I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

~First verse

I can feel change on the horizon, but I cannot yet tell if it's good or bad. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and make the world disappear. I feel like I want to abandon all reason and let the wind direct my path. I feel like I want to feel love again but I'm afraid to try......I always end up hurt or hurting others. I get so caught up in the magic of autumn that I'm not sure what I really feel.

God,
I know that You're there to help me through everything, but I can't see You. Save me from myself....

A little glimpse

I've been sitting here for the last hour trying to do my homework and failing miserably. My mind is such a mess of things not even directly school related that I cannot focus on those things which are. A friend asked me the other night who the "real me" is. I've spent some more time pondering the question and I now have a more complete answer.

The real me is much like a child waiting in the incomplete dark for someone to rescue her. Allow me to elaborate. I am a child because of my trusting nature and innocence in delightful things. I'm very easily amused, but not simple minded. I take joy in the smallest of pleasures. The dark is incomplete because Jesus is my light. I need to be rescued; I need to be loved; I need to be needed. I often feel much like the distressed damsel in fairytales. I used the analogy of being in a tower and nobody is able to slay the dragon. Sometimes I just want to scream and let someone else take over everything for me; sometimes I want only to escape the life that I have lived and begin anew. My soul cries out to Jesus to save me from my troubles, but I know that the troubles are supposed to bring me to him. Without the troubles, I would see no reason to need him at all. I often experience feelings that I cannot describe but to say I need rescuing.

The real me wants only to sit back and watch others enjoy their lives and get excited but at other times is so jealous that she is not able to enjoy the same pleasures. I confess I want to fall madly in love with a hero of sorts. One who will be my bodyguard; able to defend me against anyone. I want a man who will see no woman but me, just as he will be the only man alive. I want a man who puts no desire higher than doing the will of God. When a man abandons God's will for what he wants, he shows that he is truly weak. I want no weak man......he wouldn't be able to handle me! I need a man who can tell me "no" in a way that is not devestating. I need a man capable of helping me raise our children.

The real me has hidden for so long that I don't know if she'll ever come out again. She stuck her face out of the dark once and the rebuke for doing so was so harsh that she didn't try it again for a year. The next time she attempted such a thing, she was coaxed out and then betrayed. The real me has been in hiding for quite some time now. But, she made a friend once who can kick her without ever entering the darkness with her. The real me is still crying in the dark after the attack which never seems to end. The real me longs for a heart to share her pain and lighten the load she bears up in her own personal hell.

This has been merely a glimpse into the true nature of my heart. Here I lay, in the dark, vulnerable and open-hearted. I lay here.....crying......needing to be saved and finding none capable.

Journal entry January 2004

What does it mean to completely belong to God? It means, in essence, to give up my very life in order to dedicate it to Him and to do whatever He may ask without hesitation. Should God call me to stay here a while longer but never graduate, I must do it. Should God ask me to work extra hard to graduate early and move to a foriegn country to live and work for Him I must neither question Him nor hesitate to begin at once to carry out His desire.

To be completely God's means that I no longer have a desire to be apart from Him or His will. To stray would be worse than death. To want for myself that which God hs given to others is not noble or trusting.

If I completely belong to the Creator of all things, I worry for nonthing but trust God with everything. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul, all belong to Him alone.

Imust not live my life as if I am waithing for God to bring to me a mate. I am not waiting and wasting my life with the--perhaps--vain hope that God hsses me worthy to help another human being as only a wife can.

What does it mean to be completely His? To worry for nothing, to trust wholly, and toe live only for God and His will in my life.

God, I desire only what You have for me. Let my every adtion be to You and for You. Lord, I give myself to You so completely so as to trust You only for my every need and to know that You love me so much that you died for even me. To You alone I commit my life.

Another surprise on the road to life

And I thought things were going so well. I had finally reached a point where I was semi-content with only my savior and then things got more complicated. Honestly, I don't know exactly what I want and if I did, there would also be a name and a face with it. I thought I knew who I would marry when I was a freshman in college and then there was a different guy for a portion of my junior year. And now...now there's someone else who may stand at least half a chance. I was a terrible flirt last night and things nearly got out of hand for just a friendship type of relationship. The short of the story is that I'm not sure what to do. I'm waiting for him to lead out with a fabulous idea, and I'm beginning to fear that I'll be waiting so long I'll be tempted to come up with my own less fabulous idea. Things were so great last night, but today things are different. I feel like I've offended him in some way, but he won't tell me. I didn't ask either.

Anyway, I think I needed more hugs today. I was kinda down today; there's a lot on my mind about all kinds of stuff. I officially have one less friend than before because of something stupid. She's immature and I don't want to deal with her anymore. I no longer care. The day started so well...

What's the deal anyway?

Sometimes in life we come upon questions which demand answers. Questions like, "So, what do you plan to do with your degree after graduation?" Well, I hadn't really put the question into those terms until I heard it worded just like that yesterday. The realization hit me like an epiphany of loss must come to one who immediately upon death is faced with an eternity in hell. I'm going to have a degree. Not just any degree, but one in Communications. If any degree says I should be able to help people really talk to each other, this one does. A Communications degree nearly screams that supposedly I know how to listen to what people MEAN, not what they SAY. But, do I really? Am I really capable of helping people through tough times just by expaining what others really mean, or by just presenting the absent party's probable side of any story? I think I am. I believe that the most logical place to put this into use is in the ministry. For the last year I've felt that God may be preparing me for the role of pastor's wife. I've never really felt an attachment to a church and I've seen first hand what a lack of open communication does to the people who attend a congregational setting together. Church is one of the worst places to talk openly unless there are ground rules first. Theorhetically church is a safe place to share openly, but I've discovered this only works well if everyone agrees on everything, or if it's a very small group. I feel I have the gift of helping people transition from one pastor to another. I think this gift would come in handy if I were moving from to church to church. Plus, I can get along with almost anyone. The wife of a pastor should be able to fully back her husband's sermon without offending anyone and boy do I know how to strategically use tact when neccessary. I've discovered that there's a time for tact and a time for frankness. Not everyone can recognize the need for either at specific times but I know that if there's an elephant in the room it's better to address the issue early on rather than after everyone has covered up the scar so well that the damage is almost impossible to repair.
The question still remains: What do I plan to do with my degree? God hasn't shown me yet.

Hmmm

Why is it that we often feel like we have to be someone different depending on who we're with? Why can't we always be just as we want to be regardless of who's around? I find myself more often thinking about how others will react to whatever I say. Many times, that's what convinces me to say or not to say what I'm thinking. I've decided that I'm somewhat of a show-off when it comes to being shocking. Frequently I say things just to see what reaction I'll get. I'm sure that's not healthy. This is the place that I go to be real. I don't have everything figured out, but I'm working on it. I don't really know what kind of a man I'll end up with, but I do know what kind of man I don't want. I also know that no man is going to complete me and therefore I don't spend every waking moment concentrating on getting one. Besides, as a woman, I want to be persued; I've not been designed to persue. I am a treasure to be sought, I shouldn't go treasure hunting myself. The treasure that I offer is by no means temporary. I don't want to wake up to a different face every morning, I want someone who will be consistant and will never stop loving me for not only who I am, but who I will become. But am I capable of offering all that I myself desire? I know that I am. I want nothing more out of life on this earth than to please my creator. I'm still working on how to do that, but I'm sure it cannot be done by fretting over who I'll marry and have children with.
Sometimes I wonder if I live in a world of make-believe. The man in my head and reality don't match. The little red-head twin boys that I see in my dreams may always be just that: dreams. What I'm trying to do now is to just give over all my desires to God. It was easier to do that during the summer when nobody available was around. Now that I'm back at school and it seems like interesting men are coming out of the woodwork, I'm finding it much more difficult to concentrate on Godly things. Bottom line..........I need Jesus to take over more completely which means that I have to fully allow Him to. But how do I convince my heart to stop desiring? I shouldn't. The heart is an amazing tool used for all sorts of things besides love. Compassion, understanding, and sensitivity all come from the heart. I want nothing more than to allow God to work incredible works through me with no help at all from me. Just give it up.
I'm not making any sense anymore. Hopefully I'll find the answers to my many unspoken questions soon.

Not so fun...

I went home yesterday. Life really does surprise you sometimes. I thought those at home would be thrilled to see me after two weeks of absence. They weren't. They were caught up in how others are making them feel. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. The whole thing is stupid and it does no good to continue to talk about it if it's stupid anyway.

Do you really think I'd hurt you?
Twilight comes and goes without your notice.
I walk by and you don't even blink an eye or turn your head.
What have I done to deserve being excluded from your life?
How can you look into my eyes and tell me that you care?
After all that we've been, and done, and looked forward to?
How could you leave me and move on so quickly?
Sometimes you forget that I can see through your eyes to your soul...I see what you think.
I see what you feel. The windows are so clear and your soul is so confused.
I don't know who hurt you before, and I don't know how or why, but I'm not her.
I'm not even like her. I'm genuine. I'm true.
...But why do I care? I'm not in love with you, I don't spend every moment with you in my
thoughts.
I care because we're more than just friends, but far less than lovers.
We may not be kindred, but we've shared experiences.
Why is it that when I make you face your demons you turn away?
What are you hiding?......Why are you hiding it from me?

Fun times in Amandaland! Sometimes my thoughts make no sense. I kinda feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't really belong at home because I'm old enough to live on my own and the parents are closed to quite a few things. I don't belong at school because, well, I'm different than your average "see and do everything" college student. I don't really belong in the real world because I'm too sensitive. I feel almost like I've outlived everyone that meant anything to me. I'm sure it's just a phase (I have plenty of friends here at college) but I'm having trouble breaking out of it. I've begun to have trouble trusting people, but it's only because I've always been so trusting. I trust that others have some decency, but it's not always true. Have I always kept every secret told to me in confidence? The answer is no. Have I recently? Yes. Do I ever come right out and give the "I know something you don't know" vibe? I try not to and I never just volunteer information.Why is it that only my younger brother knows about this site so far? Because I feel that he's the only one who is truly trustworthy at this point. I know that he desires to know the real me and not just the me I let everyone else see. The me that I show everyone else is the one who is logical and thoughtful and educated and like a stone. Not many people know the real me is sensitive and emotional and innocent and child-like. Not many know that my low self esteem is what truly led me to believe that the only thing I am worthy of desiring is a Christian man who loves me. I truly believed that that is all I need. It never crossed my mind that I may be worth a scientist, or a doctor, or a lawyer. I'm not trophy-wife material. I'm a cheap date. I don't require high class cuisine or frequent black-tie occasions, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't enjoy them every now and then. Just because I don't require something doesn't mean that I wouldn't welcome the opportunity to be wooed in the classic fairy tale style.Anyway. My life is such a jumble right now that I'm not sure it'll ever get better, but it could just be because I'm not letting God take care of things. Lord, bring me back to You...

Fun times will be had by all...

Something that I said to a friend yesterday became true today. His girlfriend really had been avoiding the issue of dating. I told him that she was trying to get out of a date with him, and I was right. The interesting and sad part is that he and I almost dated over the summer. I say almost because he was very close to recieving my permission and he decided that he would rather be with this other girl instead. I was okay with it after a while, but now I find him single again. What do I do? I could be the supportive friend and remind him that God has some interesting and useful plan in all of this, or I could be the gold-digger friend who tries to remind him that she exists and may still be interested. But am I really interested? I don't know. Until I do know I think I'll just stick with being the supportive friend. Besides...I'm dating only Jesus at least until the middle of October. We had open dorms here at college tonight. I played some cards and watched a movie with some friends of mine in my room. We had fun times.
God was so amazing again today. I went to a class to finish up a credit for my cross-cultural experience and shared about my trip to Utah. I think the class enjoyed it and I think I covered all the relevant aspects of the trip. Sometimes the awesome power of God is presented in unexpected ways. I have yet to see the fruit of the seeds I planted while in Utah, and I have yet to look forward to what God has planned for the rest of my life. I'm sure that fun times will be had by all...

Life's surprises...

Sometimes God surprises us with life. We may get that dream job, or we may meet "the one." Or...we may not. Life is full of the unexpected. Or is it? Is anything truly completely unexpected? Yes. We don't always expect our loved ones to die suddenly, or to be attacked. We usually don't expect him/her to like us back. We never think that discipline is in order. We always picture the way things are going to be and then we're disappointed when they don't turn out that way. This is not a place to attack others or what they believe. This is the place where I can be totally myself with no pressure to be something else so that others will approve. This is me--uncensored........one friend calls things of this nature "rated R". There will be no mask here. What you read is what you get.