Monday, October 17, 2005

I'm drowning in my own desperation for something of worth. I'm in Terre Haute again and struggling to convince myself that it will be over soon. I keep telling myself that I'm here for a reason, and that kinda helps, but it's frustrating that the journey to the end can't be more pleasant. I can feel myself becoming more negative to this situation. I feel like I never left. I feel like I've been trapped into a situation with no way out. Lord, calm my heart and heal my morale.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

This was a weird day. Although I got the most stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday" complete with jazzy dance before I even got out of bed, the day was weird. Not really a bad weird, but a different kind of weird. This was my first post-schooling birthday. For the first time since I can remember, there was nothing required of me on my birthday--but I worked anyway. The first thing I accomplished today was to finish mowing the lawn. I went for a walk with mommy, and spent the rest of the day cleaning my room. For the first time, there was no work for me to avoid doing. No homework, no school work.......nothing at all school-related. I'm not complaining. Along with no school goes not many people to share with. I was used to having many people wish me a good day for so many years that it was odd not hearing it all day. It was nice, though. I even had the chance to be alone for a while. 23 is just a number, but it's a number I expected to have a lot more done by. My life is completely different than I thought it would be at this age. I'm single. And jobless. And in debt. With little hope of anything different anytime soon. I'm not depressed, but I'm a little bummed. I guess I've again been reminded that I'm not really the one in charge.

Sunday, October 09, 2005


In four days I will officially be an old maid. 23 and unmarried is what I'll be. I'm okay with that. We're redecorating the house this year. The bathroom, my parents' bedroom, and my room are finished. The living room, Aaron's room, and the kitchen will have to wait until next spring. It's nice to have all the juvenile stuff gone. But, it's a shocking niceness. Up to now, I've known that when I'm home I can expect certain things to be there--comforts. In an effort to become an adult, I've parted with a number of those items. It was fun to look through all the things I had accumulated and decide that I could live without certain things. I feel as though I've grown up all at once--but I don't feel differently. I've been different since I went to camp this summer and made a few decisions. I listened to what God was saying to me. I sat down and really listened. I had to get out of Terre Haute. I wasn't needed there anymore like I had been. I'm going back in a week, but I know things will be different. Mostly because I know that I don't have to stay. I'll be more relaxed about being there because I'll know that I'll be leaving.
I'm having some of my longest as well as a few of my most recently made friends over on Friday night for some fun times. But that will be different, too. I'm not 18 anymore. I'm a college graduate with a Bachelor's degree. I'm not as immature as I used to be. It'll be nice to sit around a fire and just talk and sing. I don't feel so much like I need to DO something in order to be entertaining. And Aaron will be there. He is my favorite Baby. Allen and Annie will be there. I love them lots. Andy won't be there. We will all miss him terribly! And my new friend hopes to be there. I fully intend for our (mine and Aaron's) birthday party to be a blast. Anyway, that is the event most quickly coming up on my calendar.
From the last time I wrote, my life has been nearly consumed with cleaning and finishing. I did go to Bethel college to visit my new friend and some other friends and ended up having a wonderful time just talking and meeting his new friends. I know that God has wonderful things planned for him and I hope for the privilege to see at least some of them happen.
I love you all. Have a blessed day.