Saturday, September 30, 2006

14 days

2 weeks til the wedding--311 people invited--204 replied YES! Am I ready? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. Do I understand completely just how my life is going to be totally different? No. Do I know what's expected of me? No. Do I have expectations of him? Yes. Can I tell him? Not yet. My composure is something I struggle with maintaining. I would rather suffer for a while than make known my discomfort. I guess it's because I just want him to be happy. Maybe I just don't want to deal with uncomfortable situations with my husband-to-be. Before I got out of bed this morning, the realization that I'll be not only sleeping, but WAKING UP with another person finally became clear to me. I didn't realize how much I value my own personal space. I didn't fully realize either that I have two houses, but not a home yet. My personal property is in two locations now, but I don't feel like either one is "home". I think I'll miss channel surfing or watching stupid movies whenever I want to. I'm sure I'll love being married, but I never thought about the details of my life that will change. It dawned on me that I have no idea how he spends a large portion of his mornings. What would he think if he knew I stay in bed until 7:45 or 8:00, roll out of bed and into the shower, make something for breakfast, brush my teeth and dress in just enough time to run out the door and head to work at 9:30? I'm awake at around 7:15 every morning, I just don't get out of bed until I feel like it. Earlier if I have to go to the bathroom (but I still go back to bed until the alarm). I guess I'm lazy. My whole routine is going to change. But, I know his will, too. I don't think I'm struggling so much as I'm realizing new things every day. I love him. I don't really think I'll "miss" anything. I just want to be with him. And this ends my thoughts on the matter for today. My pillow is calling to me and I believe it's time for me to visit. Good night.

Monday, September 18, 2006

26 days to go

My life is about to change more completely in the next 26 days than it ever has before. I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little scared. I'm a woman who has been taught (and believe on my own) that "woman" was made for "man". I have, in essence, spent my whole life learning how to please a man--how to be a house-keeper and a cook and a laundress and (more recently) what is involved in being a lover. But, is my domestic schooling over? Now that I'm to be a wife, is the husband-getting finished? The answer is: no. The wedding day is not the end of a quest. I've read that brides often experience a let-down after the wedding. Not that they're stems more from the fact that they pour so much of their time, energy, and resources into one day that when it's over they find they have all kinds of time that they have no idea how to fill. And "entertainment" can only go on for so long. Some couples have filled their time with shopping trips, movies, beach visits, or sports. How will I fill my time? I have a later honeymoon planned, so what'll Dean and I do in the in-between? Likely, I'll crowd him. More likely, I'll FEEL like I've crowded him. I don't really have a hobby to speak of, and I like doing lots of things--just, not for too long. I'd like to read, but it makes me tired. I'd like to host a dinner party, but we won't have the space for awhile. I'd like to take pride in having a splendid, beautiful garden, but I'm too lazy for that. It all sounds ridiculous, but it's what's on my mind lately.

Dean has remodeled the master bathroom in his house. I didn't expect that. He loves me. That isn't what gave it away, but it showed me a different kind of love than I was really expecting. I expect him to love me and I know he's sweet, but it was just...more. He didn't have to do that for me to love him. He knew that, and he did it anyway. Just like how he doesn't have to get me flowers, but he does and I love it! I can't think of anyone on this earth I'd rather be with forever. And, in 26 more days, I'll be his wife. God's timing is impeccable.