Lonliness has become this overwhelming and all-encompassing part of my life. Not just romantic lonliness, but a desperate longing for someone close to my own age to "chill" with. The hope that I will make new friends here in the Haute is quickly dwindling. I thrive on the letters I get from home, but it really is not the same as sharing an understanding hug nor can it compare to a borrowed shoulder. I have begun reading Quest For Love again and it helps with the longings of my heart......helps, but does not vanquish the emptiness. I have heard it said that God can fulfill all of our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. If that is true, why did Adam need Eve? I'm not sure that there is a good answer to this question. All I know is that I'm an Eve who wants to be needed. Me and my men. Over the (few) years of my life I have had many crushes; but under them all there has been the desire for one man. Even though I made a deal with someone else for three years from now, I still hope that this other one will speak up. All I have to do is....wait.
I've been struggling lately with my feelings about God. I feel that I've been on my own for a while now. Maybe that's just because I stopped devotions. Maybe it's because I feel abandoned by fun. Maybe it's because the 2nd job I had lined up fell through. Maybe it's because I'm sneaking around my family......not telling them everything. Maybe it's because I'm where I never wanted to be. Maybe it's because I'm not jealous enough with my heart. Maybe I just need to snuggle with a puppy for a while? Maybe I just need to give up the control I so desperately long to have. I need to refocus on Jesus--you know, the important guy--and focus less on what's happening to me and around me. I think it's time I went for a walk to listen, not talk.