Saturday, December 31, 2005

Update

I won't be singing with Heartcry anymore after April. They took it better than I had anticipated. I won't be in Terre Haute for all of Jan-Mar. Still with the boyfriend...no longer dreaming about anyone else. So far, our gifts seem to blend well. We're teetering on the line between close and too close emotionally. I don't need to know all of his dark secrets (nor he mine) but we both feel compelled to share these. The sharing isn't the bad thing--it's the reason we would. I would share my whole heart with him in an effort to draw him closer to me and form more of a bond. Even doing this in the right setting with the same motive wouldn't be a bad thing. How do we fight this? Focusing on the day to day has helped me to stay somewhat emotionally independant from him. However, doing that also leaves me a little uncertain of myself and our relationship. We have a really great thing going and neither of us wants to ruin it. (There's a lot to be said for God-given self control.) He has a wonderful accountability set--his close friend/pastor. I don't. It's better for an accountability person to be someone who's not related because family didn't choose you, but friends do. I'm related to my close friend now and if I were to ask her to help me in this area I may also be asking her to keep secrets from her husband/my brother. I can't do that. So, that leaves me with the issue of having nobody to really open up to and share with. I don't want anyone to "fix it" or give me suggestions on how to do so myself, I just need someone to listen to me and make me feel like what I have to say is important--and not share it with anyone else!
So here is where I stand: trying to squash my emotions to protect my heart and feeling guilty for doing so. All my life I've been told I'm "too sensitive." It's my sensitivity that makes me so forgiving and compassionate. When someone gets angry with me I feel worse for having hurt them enough to yell at me than the fact that they're yelling. Anyway. I have no idea what the new year holds. All I know for sure is that God will love me through it and I will find joy in that fact. I won't be rich, but I'll have less debt. Sometimes the things of the heart take time to make sense. Right now, I'm happy with where I am.

1 comment:

Melanie said...

Is this something I can do? I really know what you are talking about with the accountability & the temptations that go with being too physically or emotionally close to a man. Maybe we can help each other out. It's just a though.