Tonight

I find myself exhausted and unable to sleep. It's raining. It's early January in northeastern Indiana and it's warm enough to rain. I'm trying not to allow myself to be lulled into thoughts of an early spring with all its Life and Hope. I'm trying very hard to stay here in depressing winter, but it's very difficult with the signs of impending Joy all around. I'm also struggling to still my jumbled tumbling thoughts. He was distant tonight after the Bible study in Nappanee. I miss my kitty. I never knew just how much she meant to me or how often I sought her out until now...after she has died. During the car-ride home I thought how nice it would be to get home and invite Cheeto in to lay on my bed with me just to pet her. I was almost immediately on the point of tears after realizing that I had forgotten she's gone. Her death has left an enormous hole that nothing can fill. I know that Christ can take away all our lonliness, and I know that sometimes He allows us to experience true lonliness in order to draw us closer to Him, and I trust Him completely, but there is still a void in my heart. Her place is still empty.

It isn't really just my cat that has brought out this new sorrow. It's a combination of things. The dentist told me I have 2 cavities. I've never had a cavity before. I get the feeling that all these new things (no kitty, new boyfriend, job change, cavities) are leading up to something bigger in my life. But, I'm in the dark as to what it is. I'm also in the process of doing more room cleaning. But, it's with a new purpose this time. I'll no longer be packing for college, or extended camping trips, so I've been sorting my clothes again. I'm trying to remain optimistic that someday I'll be joining my life to someone else's and am attempting to discard many of my possessions with that in mind. There's no reason to bring a load of books, papers, clothes, etc. that will either not be used or will not be needed in a marriage relationship. All I'm trying to do now is relax and breathe. Everything should start to become easy from here. Perhaps my sleeplessness rests in the knowledge that nothing remains the same for long. I am anticipating change and don't want to miss any of it by sleeping through it.

Imagine

Just sit there and imagine what it's like to feel something so deeply that all you can do is be silent and wonder at the foresight of our amazing God. Imagine the breathless anticipation of what will come next. Think about what it's like to know that you're so limited that there's no way you'll ever be able to completely articulate everything that you're feeling in a way anyone but God will ever understand. Imagine how it feels to begin to share those thoughts with someone you trust. The joy and hope and fear which all come with going out on a limb and hoping to be caught. The exhilirating breath before the unknown. You've opened your heart and shared--and been dropped. You've been misunderstood. You've been pushed away. The very core of you screams in pain; but you won't let them see what they've done. Your first desire is to not hurt the other person...and still you wish you could tell them what they're doing without bursting into tears yourself.

Now, imagine that you've done all the same thing: you've opened up and shared, but this time you've been caught! The other person listened to what you were trying to say. They pulled you closer and listened to your heart without telling you that you're wrong. Your soul dances with joy and love and hope; nothing can dim your spirit. Jesus is the only one who never fails to catch.

People will always disappoint and drop. Sometimes it seems like God asks us to follow some people without question. He wants us to honor others and their wishes, but not when their wishes and desires go against His. He will never ask us to follow someone who does not love Him. Many people think they love Him; they may even go to church and have emotional experiences. But the people who really love God and His Son are obvious. The fruit they cannot help but bear is not fruit which can be hidden. These are the people who struggle with others and cry with them and listen.

I try to be a happy individual, but there are times when I don't feel very joyful. It always happens on a day when I haven't spoken much to my Best Friend, Jesus. My relationships with people will come and go, but Jesus is always there. The bad times come and often stay for long stretches, but I know that's when Jesus is telling me I'm trying it on my own again. I'm never unhappy when I give Him everything. But the surrender itself is the hardest part. I have to completely give up on myself and trust someone else with everything I have...even my heart. It's scary. It must be even more so for those who have trusted someone before (even someone they should have been able to trust) and been dropped and stepped on and despised. You'll never be truly happy until you give up and let someone else drive. Besides, it's easier to relax and look at the scenery when you're riding.