Tuesday, January 10, 2006


I find myself exhausted and unable to sleep. It's raining. It's early January in northeastern Indiana and it's warm enough to rain. I'm trying not to allow myself to be lulled into thoughts of an early spring with all its Life and Hope. I'm trying very hard to stay here in depressing winter, but it's very difficult with the signs of impending Joy all around. I'm also struggling to still my jumbled tumbling thoughts. He was distant tonight after the Bible study in Nappanee. I miss my kitty. I never knew just how much she meant to me or how often I sought her out until now...after she has died. During the car-ride home I thought how nice it would be to get home and invite Cheeto in to lay on my bed with me just to pet her. I was almost immediately on the point of tears after realizing that I had forgotten she's gone. Her death has left an enormous hole that nothing can fill. I know that Christ can take away all our lonliness, and I know that sometimes He allows us to experience true lonliness in order to draw us closer to Him, and I trust Him completely, but there is still a void in my heart. Her place is still empty.

It isn't really just my cat that has brought out this new sorrow. It's a combination of things. The dentist told me I have 2 cavities. I've never had a cavity before. I get the feeling that all these new things (no kitty, new boyfriend, job change, cavities) are leading up to something bigger in my life. But, I'm in the dark as to what it is. I'm also in the process of doing more room cleaning. But, it's with a new purpose this time. I'll no longer be packing for college, or extended camping trips, so I've been sorting my clothes again. I'm trying to remain optimistic that someday I'll be joining my life to someone else's and am attempting to discard many of my possessions with that in mind. There's no reason to bring a load of books, papers, clothes, etc. that will either not be used or will not be needed in a marriage relationship. All I'm trying to do now is relax and breathe. Everything should start to become easy from here. Perhaps my sleeplessness rests in the knowledge that nothing remains the same for long. I am anticipating change and don't want to miss any of it by sleeping through it.

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