Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Coming and going

I feel like my whole world has changed but nothing is moved. I've been faced with parts of my heart that I never knew existed. I've learned about generational blessings and curses which explain a lot of how I got this way. My fear of abandonment has driven many of my actions. I've always been afraid of losing love should I fail at what I set out to accomplish. I know it isn't true; I know that my family will go on loving me in spite of my shortcomings, but there's always been this little doubt whispered into my ear: "They want a perfect daughter and if you can't be perfect, they'll replace you." Jesus has been the only one I could run to my whole life. I know He's supposed to meet our every need, but honestly, I have often felt empty and lonely here. I've learned that I need to be less interested in the final destination of Peace and more involved in seeking my Lord. A child learns nothing and doesn't grow at all if his parents give him everything he desires. I can't learn patience and love and acceptance if I don't ask for them and wait for them...even when it seems they'll never arrive. God is the most faithful when it seems He has forgotten us. Rambling.

I'll soon have a new title to one small creature still a mystery to many. With that new title comes new responsibilities and opportunities...and a new kind of Christmas gift. Excited.

I'm still seeing the neighborman. This has become my longest relationship in consecutive days. It was off-and-on with the first man for 5 months--2 months, 2 weeks apart, then just under 3 months--a few summers ago. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months and 17 days today. I met him almost 4 months ago and I haven't been the same since. We know how each of us feels, but we're waiting to go somewhere with it. It's no longer the "getting to know you" stage. Crap. I've entered the girly realm of dreaming and wishing. I think I should go clean something. Time will tell with my sweetheart. I can wait.

No comments: