Thursday, February 02, 2006

Long Time

Time moves in its own interesting way. Not long ago I was walking across a platform and given a diploma. It took me four years to accomplish that goal, yet looking back, it seems as nothing. Four years took forever but only a moment now. I long to treasure each moment we're together. The desire of my heart is to hold on to the now, but I struggle with thoughts and longings of the future. This place I'm in is new for me. I've loved so many people in my life, but this one is so much different. I find myself giggling at the memory that he calls just to tell me that I'm beautiful and wonderful. And I want to cry tears of real joy when I dwell on how happy he makes me. I gasp and can't breathe all at once. We've not even said anything of love out loud. Finally, here is a man who can tell me "no" and mean it. Here is a man who respects me enough that he fights me when I cannot. Just when I had all but given up, I met someone more wonderful than I knew existed. My heart is not completely given...time is the theme. We have time to become more acquainted; time to watch each other; time to listen to our hearts and minds; so much time to listen for God. So much time. In the now it seems that Time lingers and rushes ahead. I feel that Time lies in wait, and I cannot keep up. A new life beckons to me even as the old one whispers a sorrowfully forgotten farewell. So often now I fall on my knees and feel alone with my thoughts. I feel God is near to me through it all. I know He has control because I give it to Him. I feel crowded by my lonliness and I enjoy the quiet of this solitude. I feel it is a special calm before a terrific, terrifying, devestating, beautiful storm. I sit in powerful and passionate, silent anticipation for the Yet to Come. I feel the Earth's beautiful sorrow at being parted from the Creator. And I so vividly smell her Joy at the knowledge that all will soon be reunited...soon. I burst into Freedom's laugh when I dwell on the majesty of my God.

So many people have touched my life in so many beautiful ways. My heart's every beat cannot begin to thank God enough for my loving family and dear friends. Tears fall down my face when I remember those who have passed on, or moved on. Mostly for my dear older brother, Andrew. Growing up, I never fully realized what a fine man he would become and now that the time has come, and he is wonderful, I wish I could find a way to adequately relay to him all that he means to me and everyone else who loves and misses him. We will go on missing him until we see him again. I know he misses us, too. It won't be long, really. Enough tears, enough laughter, enough planning and hoping for this day. Time moves in its own interesting way.

1 comment:

Melanie said...

Wow. It sounds like there is much on your heart. I'm glad that you have foudn so much peace & joy in where you are at right now & I pray that it will follow you throughout your life. Know that I love you & have been thinking about you.