Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I haven't written much lately because I'm having a breakdown. Lots of homework and little to no desire to actually do it, but an overwhelming need to have it done does not necessarily mean that it gets done. I'm really trying not to procrastinate, but I find myself considering which assignment can be put off 'til the next day in order to get the more pressing ones finished. I went shopping at last week and I got my purchases in the mail on Monday. My shirts are fabulous. That's the bright spot in this entire black hole that I find myself in. Words of encouragement do no good. (I usually love knowing when I'm doing a good job, but I get no warm fuzzies from it now.) I have no money. I think that's the huge drain on my soul. I have no money. Splurging is now a thing of the past. Now it's become, "Dad has no money to put into your account, so you'll have to take money from your personal savings to make your car payment, and pay for your books, and all the other extra things you need for school." And because dad has no money, I feel badly for asking for any......cause I know there isn't any. And why ask for things that don't exist? I've spent the last two Sundays in a row doing nothing but homework all day long. The weather has not afforded the opportunity to venture out to church, so I sleep late and do homework for 7-9 hours on Sunday.....and I'm still not ahead. I don't understand how it happens. All day Sunday and most of the week I do mostly homework and I'm still not ahead in anything. It's just not right. But I'm almost done with this GPA school and then it's off to the School of Hard Knocks (aka: Life).

And what am I doing right now to better myself? Having a breakdown of monumental proportions. I used to have to make time for just a few select friends, but now I have to do it with ALL my friends just so I get to see them once in a while. I would do homework with some of them, but I need it to be really quiet in order to concentrate and by that point, why even try to do homework with a friend if the sound of them breathing distracts me? Ya know? I think I just need that mythical extra week to do nothing but all the homework I have for the rest of the semester and then it'll be done and over with and I can be happy again.

Good news: the sun was shining in my room today! It's my friend's birthday today! I'm wearing the yellow ducky shirt that I bought from and I love it! I had lunch today with a friend I haven't talked to in for too long! I haven't cursed God! I love Jesus! I'm slowly calming down and realizing that my soul's lover has everything under control........sigh.


Moose said...

I'm in the same boat with regards to homework. Congrats on not cursing God. On some days that is a monumental accomplishment.

Anonymous said...


I feel kinda bad for taking up a whole evening of your time, but I know we both enjoyed it. I just hope it helped you a little deep down in the black hole part of you. And no, I am not fishing for a "Yes, it was lovely" so I'll feel better--I really mean it. I was thinking about you today. Keep your chin up, deary. It's hell, but it will pass.

Much love,