Thursday, December 16, 2004

Years ago I would imagine my future and this point always seemed so far away. I have just completed the first semester of my senior year of college. I remember thinking that this point in my life would never arrive and here it is. Right now. I used to think, "When I turn 20, THEN I'll be an adult." 20 came and went and now I'm 22. My whole life to this point seems like it was a dream; like I wasn't really the one living it--just watching. Now I face leaving all that I have come to know and love here at Grace. I have to seriously sit down and think about where I want to spend my future tomorrows. I should have some idea about decisions by now, but I don't. I thought I knew who I'd marry least I thought I would by now. I thought I'd know the kind of job I'd have "when I grow up." I thought I'd have my life all planned perfectly. Well, at least enough that I would learn to never procrastinate.

After staying up until 5:30am yesterday finishing a project, I realize that I have a long way to go. I don't read my Bible enough. I don't pray enough. I'm selfish. I really don't mind cold weather, but I hate being cold. I desperately long to have someone who'll let me hold them.....I long more to be held myself. That's my problem: I'm desperate. Why can't I be consistantly desperate for my Lord? Why does everything I desire have to go through some kind of emotional filter before I know why I desire it? Why is it so hard for me to realize that I'll never be a perfect princess in one of those perfect stories where everyone is attractive and sweet? Even knowing that'll never happen doesn't prevent me wanting it so badly that I'm still awake at 3:12am thinking about it. I've always had a facination with fairy tale romance. Sure, every girl wants a prince charming, but my facination runs deeper than just the showy parts of it. Happily ever after doesn't really work. It looks pretty darn good on paper, but I've always known that a relationship takes hard work and dedication; romance doesn't "just happen." Knowing it doesn't work that way doesn't prevent my desire for a storybook romance.

I lie awake at night wondering what my future mate is doing. I wonder if he's thinking about me even though we have no idea who each other is yet. It's tiring to love someone, but it's even more tiring to love someone and have no idea who tbey are. I love my husband without knowing his name. I have no idea how he takes his coffee.....IF he takes coffee at all. I will not settle for less than love (and all the starred items on my list) and I tire of looking for the man who can fulfill the role of my husband. Is that the problem? Have I truly been looking this whole time? Is that what I've been doing wrong? I can honestly say that no, I have not been looking. I have attempted to mold 2 different men into something that I could love forever, but God saved me from my own ignorance. He told me that I don't have to "mold" anyone into my husband because He's working on that now. It's not my job to mold anyone. The only thing that I have to do is to allow God to mold me.

Sometimes when I feel down, Lord,/And clouds are all I see,/My heart begins to question all Your faithfulness to me./That's when, dear Lord, remind me,/Tho' it's hard to understand,/That Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

And teach me to remember,/It's the Potter's right to choose/The purpose for His vessels/And the method He will use./For who am I to question/All You've written in Your plans?/For Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

The Potter takes the clay and turns it in His hands/Sometimes to start again He needs to break it./But when He stops the wheel,/His loving hands reveal/a work of art the way He wants to make it. O Lord, my heart can take it.

So if You want to mold me,/I'm ready for the pain./I know that You will hold me/'Til Your purose is made plain./In every pain or pleasure/I delight in Your commands,/For Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.
~A Vessel in Your Hands
By Larry Shackley

I sang this song in church on Sunday. I usually break down in the middle of it, but I didn't this time. Each time I sing it it means more to me. Everything that my soul cries out to God is in this song. I KNOW that things are supposed to hurt sometimes, and I try to be ready for it. I KNOW that God holds me through all the hurts that I experience, but it doesn't make them hurt any less. I am nothing, and God loves me. He loves ME. ME! I have no worth to anyone without God's love. At the end of the day, no matter what I've done, God is there. At the end of this year, with all the wrongs I've committed, God is there, too. God loves me. At the end of time itself, God will be the only thing that I'll even care about. Whether you're in heaven singing about God for all eternity, or if you're burning in hell, GOD is the only thing that any of us will want. And God loves me. Do I love God? Yes. I desire God more than passionately than I desire my next breath. My hope to walk inside His will for my life is more important for me to chase than any hope of attracting any man on this planet. How do I show God that I love Him? I don't preach at people from the TV. I don't give vast amounts of money to the poor.....or anyone else, for that matter. I don't intend to move to Africa to care for the sick and dying in His name. All I can do is live my life for Him. Where I'll do that is unknown to me. But God knows where I'll be doing it, and how I'll sustain myself. All I have to do is trust God. He loves me. At the end of time, God is there........He's the only one who matters. Maybe I should start living like I truly believe that.

God, I know that You love me more than any husband ever could. You didn't die just because You love us.....You died to SAVE us. You're the only one who could ever truly save anyone; all I ask is that You point out to me those who I can tell about Your wonderful gift. All I want is to show who You are to the lost. Just say "Go" and I'll go.......and I know that You'll go with me. I'm ready, Lord, show me where.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love you babygirl. I know it is hard to just sit back and wait for God to show us what he wants us to do with our lives and to show us his plans. But I am praying for you and I love you so much. I know that God has so much instore for you. I know because you are one of a kind. You have always been there to help me through the tough situations that I get myself into and I am so grateful for your friendship. I hope that we will be able to see more of eachother this semester. God bless you babe - Karri