Wednesday, April 06, 2005


I'll just babble for a while....we'll see what happens.

I've finally been able to seriously think about the future and all that it entails. I've been at this Christian College for four years now and I've only recently fully realized that I won't be here forever. Up til now it always felt like forever, but now I've noticed that I'm leaving all the people that I've grown to love over these last years. I've learned that there can never be enough time in the world for me to get tired of some of them and I've also learned that I've missed out on lots of time with some really wonderful people.

I've also finally accepted my feelings. I know I said this is "rated R" but this is a topic which is going to need some delicacy. Love has always been something that I have struggled with understanding, and though I still struggle, I have learned to accept that I love one man. Knowing that I love him and would immediately agree to marry him (if only he would ask) I also realize that it's not fair for me to actually wait for him without him asking me to. Is it? I can never feel about another the way I feel about him, and I shouldn't try. The attempt would fail and it wouldn't be fair to him or the new man or myself to even try to repeat it. The attempt would mean that I would be looking for another to fill his spot in my heart instead of just making a new spot for someone else. This man has my heart as much as any man can (unless God introduces me to someone I don't even know yet) and he will always have that spot because it's his to have. I can't have given it to him only to take it back and give the same part again. I can't forget about him and pretend that I don't love him. It just isn't fair.

In the last four years, I've also learned to accept my other feelings as a part of life. Another quote from my class musings: "Emotions are given in order to be felt--and shared--not squashed and hidden." God did not give me feelings so that I may hide them; He gave them to me to share my friends' burdens and joys and to experience Life as much as I can.

What is Life? Life is a piece of God. Everything that breathes and moves and experiences anything has Life given by God. Even the earth sings praise to God with every ocean wave and every snowflake and every blade of grass and every rock and every speck of dust. Everywhere I look I not only see God, but I feel Him and He is very near my heart. Birds don't look around to see who is listening before they sing.........they unashamedly sing as loudly as they can because they know that God is listening. (Whether or not they consciously know is not the point.) I, too want to cry out to God in the most joyous of songs and not feel ashamed; but I often do feel ashamed. Sometimes I concentrate so hard on doing things to please Him that I completely miss the unspeakable joy of just knowing He's present.

One last thing I wrote in class last Monday: "All creation holds its breath in beautiful, silent, and awful anticipation of the complete, unquestioned show of God's imcomparable power, judgement, and love." It's kind of a mouthful, but I like it.

I will here conclude this adventure into my mind. I may not be brilliant, but at least I know it.


Anonymous said...

sounds like you might be starting to get a glimpse of the confusion that runs rampant through my mind, I once told you Id wait for you forever, but now, what do i do with that, do I still wait even though you have made it clear that you want nothing to do with me? Or by doing that am I ruling out the possibility of God working somehow? That night I told you Id wait forever, I made a promise, should I break it?

Anyways, I just have a question for you. Where is it written that only girls can be a treasure and only guys the hunter? Think about this, the world does not conform to the Lord's ideals, why should it conform to yours? If you see someone/something you want, go after it.

Moose said...

Have you talked to this guy about how you feel? If not to the point of brutal honesty, at least as far as stating your interests in pursuing a relationship. Just a thought.

|| sauravhk || said...

If your really love this person, which I believe you do (from what I read), Tell him! What are you afraid of? I went through the exact same thing. All I can advise to you, is don't become that person, who reaches a point of no return and says "I wish, I just had tried!" You believe so much in God. So just keep your faith strong in him. Love someone truly, but don't expect anything in return, and God will take care of the rest.

ps : You write really well.