Friday, October 01, 2004

What is this?

New beginnings. A new month, a new project, a newly flowering friendship, a new outlook, a new desire......all things are made new through Christ who strengthens me. How did it get to this point? What has caused these new wishes in my heart? Are the wishes really new, or have they always been there and I've just now learned how to see them? What will become of this? What will become of me? What would Christ have me do? What will my family say? When will they ever come to see me again? My parents are only 40 minutes from here but can never find the time to visit. Why is it that I must always go to them? Why can they not come to me? Am I that hard to find? When will I ever be good enough? Why do the questions never stop?

What am I to do? Do I only think that I feel the way I think I do? Listening to my feelings is still new to me. I don't ask much for myself in this life and I wonder if I have found it. I have been praying about this nearly constantly for the last few weeks and I have grown weary of the wait for an answer. My mask has begun to fall off in front of others; I never fully realized how much energy it takes to keep it on. More than once today friends pointed out that I seem different...more reserved and quietly calm. I cannot help but feel that something is yet missing, but I don't know how to find the missing piece. Do I feel these things because of the weather, the upcoming wedding, life's stress, or is it real? I don't know. I do know what I want the answer to be, but honestly I don't know what it really is. I think I'm over-analyzing again.

My new prayer is that my parents can see the heart that I have seen. I pray also that we have the strength to accept the decision of my Tower Guards. I want so desperately to spare the both of us any hurt that I fear I may be passing up something truly wonderful. Will I ever be able to begin again? I hope that I can, and I hope that it works this time.....if this time is permitted. I'm trying not to become so attached to the hope that this beginning brings, so that if it is not approved it will not be such a heart ache and tragedy. But I already know that so much of myself is invested that were it not to gain approval I would retreat again at least temporarily.

I find myself unable to do work of any real quality. I sit and I read, but I don't care for the words on the pages. I stand and stare out the window for what seems like hours at a time and see nothing. I listen to music, but I don't hear the notes or words. I have never felt like this before. This is so foreign to my being that I hardly know what to do with myself. I want to be held so as to make the world disappear and to be spoken to as if there were no other woman alive. I long for so many things that I wonder if my desires do not cloud my judgement. I know what he says, but how can I know if he truly means them except that he says he does. I trust him. But what if the Guards do not? I must surrender myself to the will of my Guards. To disobey them would surely be disasterous. Perhaps they would be speaking the otherwise unspoken will of God? I want this to work this time and I know that it will not if the Grandparents of my children do not approve. Or, what if it is my Tower's Guards that make me to feel as if I belong in a room, oppressed and afraid of the light? Perhaps it is they who make me to feel as though I am smothered by the weight of the world? They love me. They know that I belong to God more than to them. How can I break free of my Tower's chains but retain the Guards as close friends? God, I can't do this anymore. I'm just going to let You take over from here.

I have begun to ramble and I'm afraid I have shared too much. Wow, it's really cheesey and poetic too. What can I say? I warned you that it was me--rated R.

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