Wednesday, September 08, 2004


Why is it that we often feel like we have to be someone different depending on who we're with? Why can't we always be just as we want to be regardless of who's around? I find myself more often thinking about how others will react to whatever I say. Many times, that's what convinces me to say or not to say what I'm thinking. I've decided that I'm somewhat of a show-off when it comes to being shocking. Frequently I say things just to see what reaction I'll get. I'm sure that's not healthy. This is the place that I go to be real. I don't have everything figured out, but I'm working on it. I don't really know what kind of a man I'll end up with, but I do know what kind of man I don't want. I also know that no man is going to complete me and therefore I don't spend every waking moment concentrating on getting one. Besides, as a woman, I want to be persued; I've not been designed to persue. I am a treasure to be sought, I shouldn't go treasure hunting myself. The treasure that I offer is by no means temporary. I don't want to wake up to a different face every morning, I want someone who will be consistant and will never stop loving me for not only who I am, but who I will become. But am I capable of offering all that I myself desire? I know that I am. I want nothing more out of life on this earth than to please my creator. I'm still working on how to do that, but I'm sure it cannot be done by fretting over who I'll marry and have children with.
Sometimes I wonder if I live in a world of make-believe. The man in my head and reality don't match. The little red-head twin boys that I see in my dreams may always be just that: dreams. What I'm trying to do now is to just give over all my desires to God. It was easier to do that during the summer when nobody available was around. Now that I'm back at school and it seems like interesting men are coming out of the woodwork, I'm finding it much more difficult to concentrate on Godly things. Bottom line..........I need Jesus to take over more completely which means that I have to fully allow Him to. But how do I convince my heart to stop desiring? I shouldn't. The heart is an amazing tool used for all sorts of things besides love. Compassion, understanding, and sensitivity all come from the heart. I want nothing more than to allow God to work incredible works through me with no help at all from me. Just give it up.
I'm not making any sense anymore. Hopefully I'll find the answers to my many unspoken questions soon.

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