Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Not so fun...

I went home yesterday. Life really does surprise you sometimes. I thought those at home would be thrilled to see me after two weeks of absence. They weren't. They were caught up in how others are making them feel. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. The whole thing is stupid and it does no good to continue to talk about it if it's stupid anyway.

Do you really think I'd hurt you?
Twilight comes and goes without your notice.
I walk by and you don't even blink an eye or turn your head.
What have I done to deserve being excluded from your life?
How can you look into my eyes and tell me that you care?
After all that we've been, and done, and looked forward to?
How could you leave me and move on so quickly?
Sometimes you forget that I can see through your eyes to your soul...I see what you think.
I see what you feel. The windows are so clear and your soul is so confused.
I don't know who hurt you before, and I don't know how or why, but I'm not her.
I'm not even like her. I'm genuine. I'm true.
...But why do I care? I'm not in love with you, I don't spend every moment with you in my
I care because we're more than just friends, but far less than lovers.
We may not be kindred, but we've shared experiences.
Why is it that when I make you face your demons you turn away?
What are you hiding?......Why are you hiding it from me?
Fun times in Amandaland! Sometimes my thoughts make no sense. I kinda feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't really belong at home because I'm old enough to live on my own and the parents are closed to quite a few things. I don't belong at school because, well, I'm different than your average "see and do everything" college student. I don't really belong in the real world because I'm too sensitive. I feel almost like I've outlived everyone that meant anything to me. I'm sure it's just a phase (I have plenty of friends here at college) but I'm having trouble breaking out of it. I've begun to have trouble trusting people, but it's only because I've always been so trusting. I trust that others have some decency, but it's not always true. Have I always kept every secret told to me in confidence? The answer is no. Have I recently? Yes. Do I ever come right out and give the "I know something you don't know" vibe? I try not to and I never just volunteer information.Why is it that only my younger brother knows about this site so far? Because I feel that he's the only one who is truly trustworthy at this point. I know that he desires to know the real me and not just the me I let everyone else see. The me that I show everyone else is the one who is logical and thoughtful and educated and like a stone. Not many people know the real me is sensitive and emotional and innocent and child-like. Not many know that my low self esteem is what truly led me to believe that the only thing I am worthy of desiring is a Christian man who loves me. I truly believed that that is all I need. It never crossed my mind that I may be worth a scientist, or a doctor, or a lawyer. I'm not trophy-wife material. I'm a cheap date. I don't require high class cuisine or frequent black-tie occasions, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't enjoy them every now and then. Just because I don't require something doesn't mean that I wouldn't welcome the opportunity to be wooed in the classic fairy tale style.Anyway. My life is such a jumble right now that I'm not sure it'll ever get better, but it could just be because I'm not letting God take care of things. Lord, bring me back to You...

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