Monday, September 20, 2004

A little glimpse

I've been sitting here for the last hour trying to do my homework and failing miserably. My mind is such a mess of things not even directly school related that I cannot focus on those things which are. A friend asked me the other night who the "real me" is. I've spent some more time pondering the question and I now have a more complete answer.

The real me is much like a child waiting in the incomplete dark for someone to rescue her. Allow me to elaborate. I am a child because of my trusting nature and innocence in delightful things. I'm very easily amused, but not simple minded. I take joy in the smallest of pleasures. The dark is incomplete because Jesus is my light. I need to be rescued; I need to be loved; I need to be needed. I often feel much like the distressed damsel in fairytales. I used the analogy of being in a tower and nobody is able to slay the dragon. Sometimes I just want to scream and let someone else take over everything for me; sometimes I want only to escape the life that I have lived and begin anew. My soul cries out to Jesus to save me from my troubles, but I know that the troubles are supposed to bring me to him. Without the troubles, I would see no reason to need him at all. I often experience feelings that I cannot describe but to say I need rescuing.

The real me wants only to sit back and watch others enjoy their lives and get excited but at other times is so jealous that she is not able to enjoy the same pleasures. I confess I want to fall madly in love with a hero of sorts. One who will be my bodyguard; able to defend me against anyone. I want a man who will see no woman but me, just as he will be the only man alive. I want a man who puts no desire higher than doing the will of God. When a man abandons God's will for what he wants, he shows that he is truly weak. I want no weak man......he wouldn't be able to handle me! I need a man who can tell me "no" in a way that is not devestating. I need a man capable of helping me raise our children.

The real me has hidden for so long that I don't know if she'll ever come out again. She stuck her face out of the dark once and the rebuke for doing so was so harsh that she didn't try it again for a year. The next time she attempted such a thing, she was coaxed out and then betrayed. The real me has been in hiding for quite some time now. But, she made a friend once who can kick her without ever entering the darkness with her. The real me is still crying in the dark after the attack which never seems to end. The real me longs for a heart to share her pain and lighten the load she bears up in her own personal hell.

This has been merely a glimpse into the true nature of my heart. Here I lay, in the dark, vulnerable and open-hearted. I lay here.....crying......needing to be saved and finding none capable.

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