14 days

2 weeks til the wedding--311 people invited--204 replied YES! Am I ready? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. Do I understand completely just how my life is going to be totally different? No. Do I know what's expected of me? No. Do I have expectations of him? Yes. Can I tell him? Not yet. My composure is something I struggle with maintaining. I would rather suffer for a while than make known my discomfort. I guess it's because I just want him to be happy. Maybe I just don't want to deal with uncomfortable situations with my husband-to-be. Before I got out of bed this morning, the realization that I'll be not only sleeping, but WAKING UP with another person finally became clear to me. I didn't realize how much I value my own personal space. I didn't fully realize either that I have two houses, but not a home yet. My personal property is in two locations now, but I don't feel like either one is "home". I think I'll miss channel surfing or watching stupid movies whenever I want to. I'm sure I'll love being married, but I never thought about the details of my life that will change. It dawned on me that I have no idea how he spends a large portion of his mornings. What would he think if he knew I stay in bed until 7:45 or 8:00, roll out of bed and into the shower, make something for breakfast, brush my teeth and dress in just enough time to run out the door and head to work at 9:30? I'm awake at around 7:15 every morning, I just don't get out of bed until I feel like it. Earlier if I have to go to the bathroom (but I still go back to bed until the alarm). I guess I'm lazy. My whole routine is going to change. But, I know his will, too. I don't think I'm struggling so much as I'm realizing new things every day. I love him. I don't really think I'll "miss" anything. I just want to be with him. And this ends my thoughts on the matter for today. My pillow is calling to me and I believe it's time for me to visit. Good night.

26 days to go

My life is about to change more completely in the next 26 days than it ever has before. I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little scared. I'm a woman who has been taught (and believe on my own) that "woman" was made for "man". I have, in essence, spent my whole life learning how to please a man--how to be a house-keeper and a cook and a laundress and (more recently) what is involved in being a lover. But, is my domestic schooling over? Now that I'm to be a wife, is the husband-getting finished? The answer is: no. The wedding day is not the end of a quest. I've read that brides often experience a let-down after the wedding. Not that they're disappointed...it stems more from the fact that they pour so much of their time, energy, and resources into one day that when it's over they find they have all kinds of time that they have no idea how to fill. And "entertainment" can only go on for so long. Some couples have filled their time with shopping trips, movies, beach visits, or sports. How will I fill my time? I have a later honeymoon planned, so what'll Dean and I do in the in-between? Likely, I'll crowd him. More likely, I'll FEEL like I've crowded him. I don't really have a hobby to speak of, and I like doing lots of things--just, not for too long. I'd like to read, but it makes me tired. I'd like to host a dinner party, but we won't have the space for awhile. I'd like to take pride in having a splendid, beautiful garden, but I'm too lazy for that. It all sounds ridiculous, but it's what's on my mind lately.

Dean has remodeled the master bathroom in his house. I didn't expect that. He loves me. That isn't what gave it away, but it showed me a different kind of love than I was really expecting. I expect him to love me and I know he's sweet, but it was just...more. He didn't have to do that for me to love him. He knew that, and he did it anyway. Just like how he doesn't have to get me flowers, but he does and I love it! I can't think of anyone on this earth I'd rather be with forever. And, in 26 more days, I'll be his wife. God's timing is impeccable.

He loves me. We're getting married this year. I'm completly overwhelmed with joy, sadness, fear, frustration...joy...peace. The joy is obvious. Sadness because I'm leaving my childhood home. I'll only be a mile away, but it's the fact that I've never permanently lived anywhere else. There was always "home" to go home to. Home will be different now. Fear because of the decision I have made. I'm "afraid of the dark." I have no idea what to expect. Frustration because I don't feel like I'm moving fast enough in the wedding plans. I'm frustrated because of the scheduling difficulties. I'm frustrated because I know what I want, and have trouble finding it. But, I have peace. He loves me--and he waited to say so until God said it was okay. All will be fine. I trust my God to show me the important thing is not where we have the ceremony or whether we have a piano or an ensemble. I know that the only thing that really matters is that God introduced me to the most wonderful man. I am completely in love with him and marrying him is the only part that really matters to me. I don't want to get caught-up in the details of a "wedding." I understand that there are certain things that are expected at a wedding and there are certain things that I want, but those are not the important things. I have plenty of people I can call on to help, and I intend to do just that. But for now, I must go. Enjoy the rain.

*BAM!

A sapphire and diamonds warning shot has been fired and as I wear it, I'm learning what a big decision lies before me. I think my biggest fear is the realization that this isn't some trinket that I'll wear for a while and then put into a box to forget about--it'll stay on my finger for as long as he'll allow it to. I've just never been here before and it's just a little frightening to think that an even more serious decision is on the horizon. At least I'm not taking this whole thing lightly. I understand the gravity of my decisions in this matter.

I'm also re-living the feeling of college stress...I can't sleep and the sore shoulders and back remind me of what it's like to be a student under pressure. I must feel pressured. I'm not sure why. I have a wonderful family and a fantastic boyfriend and a rewarding job. What is it that's bothering me? Maybe I just need a really good, deep, long back rub...and a relaxing evening complete with wine and nothing expected of me for just a few hours. And, maybe I just need to stop long enough to really appreciate and enjoy where I am right now.

I enjoyed the rain that finally arrived today. I am continually amazed at how wonderful my God is! Who else could have thought that in order to feed plants and cool off the earth, water should fall from the sky? Who else could have come up with the idea that not only should people come with different hair colors, but some will wrinkle their noses when they laugh and others will snort! How could anyone here ever come up with such outrageous ideas? They couldn't! Besides, God already did.

My soul

"Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side; Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain; Leave to thy God to order and provide; In every change He faithful will remain. Be still my soul: thy best, thy Heavenly Friend Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

"Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake To guide the future as He has the past. Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake; All now mysterious shall be bright as last. Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

"Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on When we shall be forever with the Lord, When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone, Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored. Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past, All safe and blessed we shall meet at last."


I've tried to sum up all the changes in my life in one short sentence, but it's just not possible. Instead, I am content to share with you all the bottom line. My soul has been troubled for many different reasons still not completely known to me. Not a bad kind of trouble...just a time of reflection and (I think) healing. I know what I want the future to hold and be, but I decided long ago that I will be happy with whatever God sees fit to provide. I may at first struggle with accepting the sorrows, I know it will soon pass and I'll be better for having gone through it...whatever it is. I could go on any number of tangents, but it just wouldn't feel right. I love so many people! And the things they do are so delightful to me that I often burst into private, joyful laughter just watching them. I'm out of inspiration now, but perhaps I'll write again soon.

Coming and going

I feel like my whole world has changed but nothing is moved. I've been faced with parts of my heart that I never knew existed. I've learned about generational blessings and curses which explain a lot of how I got this way. My fear of abandonment has driven many of my actions. I've always been afraid of losing love should I fail at what I set out to accomplish. I know it isn't true; I know that my family will go on loving me in spite of my shortcomings, but there's always been this little doubt whispered into my ear: "They want a perfect daughter and if you can't be perfect, they'll replace you." Jesus has been the only one I could run to my whole life. I know He's supposed to meet our every need, but honestly, I have often felt empty and lonely here. I've learned that I need to be less interested in the final destination of Peace and more involved in seeking my Lord. A child learns nothing and doesn't grow at all if his parents give him everything he desires. I can't learn patience and love and acceptance if I don't ask for them and wait for them...even when it seems they'll never arrive. God is the most faithful when it seems He has forgotten us. Rambling.

I'll soon have a new title to one small creature still a mystery to many. With that new title comes new responsibilities and opportunities...and a new kind of Christmas gift. Excited.

I'm still seeing the neighborman. This has become my longest relationship in consecutive days. It was off-and-on with the first man for 5 months--2 months, 2 weeks apart, then just under 3 months--a few summers ago. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 months and 17 days today. I met him almost 4 months ago and I haven't been the same since. We know how each of us feels, but we're waiting to go somewhere with it. It's no longer the "getting to know you" stage. Crap. I've entered the girly realm of dreaming and wishing. I think I should go clean something. Time will tell with my sweetheart. I can wait.

Long Time

Time moves in its own interesting way. Not long ago I was walking across a platform and given a diploma. It took me four years to accomplish that goal, yet looking back, it seems as nothing. Four years took forever but only a moment now. I long to treasure each moment we're together. The desire of my heart is to hold on to the now, but I struggle with thoughts and longings of the future. This place I'm in is new for me. I've loved so many people in my life, but this one is so much different. I find myself giggling at the memory that he calls just to tell me that I'm beautiful and wonderful. And I want to cry tears of real joy when I dwell on how happy he makes me. I gasp and can't breathe all at once. We've not even said anything of love out loud. Finally, here is a man who can tell me "no" and mean it. Here is a man who respects me enough that he fights me when I cannot. Just when I had all but given up, I met someone more wonderful than I knew existed. My heart is not completely given...time is the theme. We have time to become more acquainted; time to watch each other; time to listen to our hearts and minds; so much time to listen for God. So much time. In the now it seems that Time lingers and rushes ahead. I feel that Time lies in wait, and I cannot keep up. A new life beckons to me even as the old one whispers a sorrowfully forgotten farewell. So often now I fall on my knees and feel alone with my thoughts. I feel God is near to me through it all. I know He has control because I give it to Him. I feel crowded by my lonliness and I enjoy the quiet of this solitude. I feel it is a special calm before a terrific, terrifying, devestating, beautiful storm. I sit in powerful and passionate, silent anticipation for the Yet to Come. I feel the Earth's beautiful sorrow at being parted from the Creator. And I so vividly smell her Joy at the knowledge that all will soon be reunited...soon. I burst into Freedom's laugh when I dwell on the majesty of my God.

So many people have touched my life in so many beautiful ways. My heart's every beat cannot begin to thank God enough for my loving family and dear friends. Tears fall down my face when I remember those who have passed on, or moved on. Mostly for my dear older brother, Andrew. Growing up, I never fully realized what a fine man he would become and now that the time has come, and he is wonderful, I wish I could find a way to adequately relay to him all that he means to me and everyone else who loves and misses him. We will go on missing him until we see him again. I know he misses us, too. It won't be long, really. Enough tears, enough laughter, enough planning and hoping for this day. Time moves in its own interesting way.

Tonight

I find myself exhausted and unable to sleep. It's raining. It's early January in northeastern Indiana and it's warm enough to rain. I'm trying not to allow myself to be lulled into thoughts of an early spring with all its Life and Hope. I'm trying very hard to stay here in depressing winter, but it's very difficult with the signs of impending Joy all around. I'm also struggling to still my jumbled tumbling thoughts. He was distant tonight after the Bible study in Nappanee. I miss my kitty. I never knew just how much she meant to me or how often I sought her out until now...after she has died. During the car-ride home I thought how nice it would be to get home and invite Cheeto in to lay on my bed with me just to pet her. I was almost immediately on the point of tears after realizing that I had forgotten she's gone. Her death has left an enormous hole that nothing can fill. I know that Christ can take away all our lonliness, and I know that sometimes He allows us to experience true lonliness in order to draw us closer to Him, and I trust Him completely, but there is still a void in my heart. Her place is still empty.

It isn't really just my cat that has brought out this new sorrow. It's a combination of things. The dentist told me I have 2 cavities. I've never had a cavity before. I get the feeling that all these new things (no kitty, new boyfriend, job change, cavities) are leading up to something bigger in my life. But, I'm in the dark as to what it is. I'm also in the process of doing more room cleaning. But, it's with a new purpose this time. I'll no longer be packing for college, or extended camping trips, so I've been sorting my clothes again. I'm trying to remain optimistic that someday I'll be joining my life to someone else's and am attempting to discard many of my possessions with that in mind. There's no reason to bring a load of books, papers, clothes, etc. that will either not be used or will not be needed in a marriage relationship. All I'm trying to do now is relax and breathe. Everything should start to become easy from here. Perhaps my sleeplessness rests in the knowledge that nothing remains the same for long. I am anticipating change and don't want to miss any of it by sleeping through it.

Imagine

Just sit there and imagine what it's like to feel something so deeply that all you can do is be silent and wonder at the foresight of our amazing God. Imagine the breathless anticipation of what will come next. Think about what it's like to know that you're so limited that there's no way you'll ever be able to completely articulate everything that you're feeling in a way anyone but God will ever understand. Imagine how it feels to begin to share those thoughts with someone you trust. The joy and hope and fear which all come with going out on a limb and hoping to be caught. The exhilirating breath before the unknown. You've opened your heart and shared--and been dropped. You've been misunderstood. You've been pushed away. The very core of you screams in pain; but you won't let them see what they've done. Your first desire is to not hurt the other person...and still you wish you could tell them what they're doing without bursting into tears yourself.

Now, imagine that you've done all the same thing: you've opened up and shared, but this time you've been caught! The other person listened to what you were trying to say. They pulled you closer and listened to your heart without telling you that you're wrong. Your soul dances with joy and love and hope; nothing can dim your spirit. Jesus is the only one who never fails to catch.

People will always disappoint and drop. Sometimes it seems like God asks us to follow some people without question. He wants us to honor others and their wishes, but not when their wishes and desires go against His. He will never ask us to follow someone who does not love Him. Many people think they love Him; they may even go to church and have emotional experiences. But the people who really love God and His Son are obvious. The fruit they cannot help but bear is not fruit which can be hidden. These are the people who struggle with others and cry with them and listen.

I try to be a happy individual, but there are times when I don't feel very joyful. It always happens on a day when I haven't spoken much to my Best Friend, Jesus. My relationships with people will come and go, but Jesus is always there. The bad times come and often stay for long stretches, but I know that's when Jesus is telling me I'm trying it on my own again. I'm never unhappy when I give Him everything. But the surrender itself is the hardest part. I have to completely give up on myself and trust someone else with everything I have...even my heart. It's scary. It must be even more so for those who have trusted someone before (even someone they should have been able to trust) and been dropped and stepped on and despised. You'll never be truly happy until you give up and let someone else drive. Besides, it's easier to relax and look at the scenery when you're riding.