Update

I won't be singing with Heartcry anymore after April. They took it better than I had anticipated. I won't be in Terre Haute for all of Jan-Mar. Still with the boyfriend...no longer dreaming about anyone else. So far, our gifts seem to blend well. We're teetering on the line between close and too close emotionally. I don't need to know all of his dark secrets (nor he mine) but we both feel compelled to share these. The sharing isn't the bad thing--it's the reason we would. I would share my whole heart with him in an effort to draw him closer to me and form more of a bond. Even doing this in the right setting with the same motive wouldn't be a bad thing. How do we fight this? Focusing on the day to day has helped me to stay somewhat emotionally independant from him. However, doing that also leaves me a little uncertain of myself and our relationship. We have a really great thing going and neither of us wants to ruin it. (There's a lot to be said for God-given self control.) He has a wonderful accountability set--his close friend/pastor. I don't. It's better for an accountability person to be someone who's not related because family didn't choose you, but friends do. I'm related to my close friend now and if I were to ask her to help me in this area I may also be asking her to keep secrets from her husband/my brother. I can't do that. So, that leaves me with the issue of having nobody to really open up to and share with. I don't want anyone to "fix it" or give me suggestions on how to do so myself, I just need someone to listen to me and make me feel like what I have to say is important--and not share it with anyone else!
So here is where I stand: trying to squash my emotions to protect my heart and feeling guilty for doing so. All my life I've been told I'm "too sensitive." It's my sensitivity that makes me so forgiving and compassionate. When someone gets angry with me I feel worse for having hurt them enough to yell at me than the fact that they're yelling. Anyway. I have no idea what the new year holds. All I know for sure is that God will love me through it and I will find joy in that fact. I won't be rich, but I'll have less debt. Sometimes the things of the heart take time to make sense. Right now, I'm happy with where I am.

Learning a few things about myself this weekend in Terre Haute. Handing in my notice tomorrow. More to come later.

Confusion

I've reached the point of confusion. I can't seem to distinguish God's voice from the other voices. I've never had this problem this badly before. My dreams show me that I'm with the wrong man. I dream about the other desire of my heart...not my boyfriend. I feel a deeper happiness in my dreams about the younger one, but in dreams about the older one I feel inadequacy. He doesn't want to become attached to me if there comes a time when God wants us to end our relationship. I don't operate that way. Now I'm confused about the whole thing. If ever I needed your prayers, it's now.

The time has come

Snow time has arrived for good, I think. My opinion of snow is that it's very pretty to look at and to watch fall, but the cold it takes to get any is just not worth it to me. I'm not a big fan of cold. Although, the cold weather reminds me to fully appreciate the hot weather when it comes. Lots going on in my head. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time...how can I plan ahead that way? It's difficult to work around the schedules of others if you take things one day at a time. Sigh.

The winds of change

The winds of change are moving again. In my life, I have come to many crossroads. Whether or not to follow Christ's example; to sing or not to sing; which degree; marriage or no-thanks; camp Mack or elsewhere; Wawaka or somewhere new? Well, I haven't regretted any of my decisions thus far. Especially when it comes to following Christ. That's the best decision I've ever made and I'm thankful that He helped me with it. It's not easy to love Him, but it is. How could I not love someone who died for me? My whole being cries out desperately for more of Him than I could ever hope to experience this side of heaven. Most of my struggle with this heavenly relationship has come out of allowing Him to love me. Love is a strange animal. Though my experience with it thus far is limited, I know it to be something which has not one definition but many. Love is: wonderful and terrible. It has the power to bring together and tear apart. It births Violent Jealousy, Innocent Admiration, and Distant Respect. Love is complicated and wildly simple. Love is...a contradiction. But, allowing another to love you--even the ugly parts--is at the very least: Frightening. What if I scare him off? What if that's something he doesn't want in a wife? What if I make food he doesn't like? What if I gain too much weight? What if I lose my voice? What if I lose an arm? Will he still love me then? What if my language displeases him? What if he's allergic to my beloved pet? What if I fail? What if... See my point? Well, I don't have to worry about that with Christ. Sure, He expects things of me. He expects that I'll be kind to others, even though they're unkind to me. He expects that I'll stand up for those not present to do so for themselves. He expects that I'll be honest and genuine and caring and "good." But, He also expects that I'll fail. And when I do, He'll stay with me and help me through it. He won't leave me and say "I told you so." Jesus won't turn His back and say I'm disappointed in you. He puts out His nail-pierced hands and picks me up off the floor when I fall and helps me to cross the finish line of this crazy race. Honestly, sometimes I fail big-time. Sometimes I gloat. Sometimes I say unkind things. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I could. Sometimes my cullinary creations fail (don't tell). Sometimes I drive way too fast. But, I know that Jesus still loves me. Can I let others love the ugly parts of me, too? Ugly parts of Amanda: I'm selfish with my time. I'm picky about the way my bluejeans fit. I'm vain about my hair. I'm proud of my accomplishments.

The winds of change have brought about one major difference in my attitude. I have a new drive to learn more about the Creator. I'm no longer satisfied with a mediocre knowledge of who He is and what He's done for the world. I want to know Him like I've never known Him before. Your thirsty prayers for me are finally being answered "Yes." My thirsty prayer for all of you is that you never get enough of Christ: Never. That you'll never see enough of His love: Never. I pray that you are never satisfied with what you know of Him: Never. I pray that you never tire of listening for His voice: Never.

Possible?

A 12 year difference isn't really too much, is it? Surely not if God says it isn't. Much prayer is needed in this matter. Please friends, pray with me that God will reveal His will for me before anyone gets hurt. I try to take things slowly, but I somehow seem to fail. I follow the lead of others. I'm so tired, and still a little sick. I don't want to miss God's best for me. And with His help I cannot help but see it and choose it. My heart cries out to be loved. My soul cries out for direction. My core cries out for affection. My breath cries out for more Jesus...will I ever get enough?

I'm drowning in my own desperation for something of worth. I'm in Terre Haute again and struggling to convince myself that it will be over soon. I keep telling myself that I'm here for a reason, and that kinda helps, but it's frustrating that the journey to the end can't be more pleasant. I can feel myself becoming more negative to this situation. I feel like I never left. I feel like I've been trapped into a situation with no way out. Lord, calm my heart and heal my morale.

This was a weird day. Although I got the most stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday" complete with jazzy dance before I even got out of bed, the day was weird. Not really a bad weird, but a different kind of weird. This was my first post-schooling birthday. For the first time since I can remember, there was nothing required of me on my birthday--but I worked anyway. The first thing I accomplished today was to finish mowing the lawn. I went for a walk with mommy, and spent the rest of the day cleaning my room. For the first time, there was no work for me to avoid doing. No homework, no school work.......nothing at all school-related. I'm not complaining. Along with no school goes not many people to share with. I was used to having many people wish me a good day for so many years that it was odd not hearing it all day. It was nice, though. I even had the chance to be alone for a while. 23 is just a number, but it's a number I expected to have a lot more done by. My life is completely different than I thought it would be at this age. I'm single. And jobless. And in debt. With little hope of anything different anytime soon. I'm not depressed, but I'm a little bummed. I guess I've again been reminded that I'm not really the one in charge.

Almost...

In four days I will officially be an old maid. 23 and unmarried is what I'll be. I'm okay with that. We're redecorating the house this year. The bathroom, my parents' bedroom, and my room are finished. The living room, Aaron's room, and the kitchen will have to wait until next spring. It's nice to have all the juvenile stuff gone. But, it's a shocking niceness. Up to now, I've known that when I'm home I can expect certain things to be there--comforts. In an effort to become an adult, I've parted with a number of those items. It was fun to look through all the things I had accumulated and decide that I could live without certain things. I feel as though I've grown up all at once--but I don't feel differently. I've been different since I went to camp this summer and made a few decisions. I listened to what God was saying to me. I sat down and really listened. I had to get out of Terre Haute. I wasn't needed there anymore like I had been. I'm going back in a week, but I know things will be different. Mostly because I know that I don't have to stay. I'll be more relaxed about being there because I'll know that I'll be leaving.
I'm having some of my longest as well as a few of my most recently made friends over on Friday night for some fun times. But that will be different, too. I'm not 18 anymore. I'm a college graduate with a Bachelor's degree. I'm not as immature as I used to be. It'll be nice to sit around a fire and just talk and sing. I don't feel so much like I need to DO something in order to be entertaining. And Aaron will be there. He is my favorite Baby. Allen and Annie will be there. I love them lots. Andy won't be there. We will all miss him terribly! And my new friend hopes to be there. I fully intend for our (mine and Aaron's) birthday party to be a blast. Anyway, that is the event most quickly coming up on my calendar.
From the last time I wrote, my life has been nearly consumed with cleaning and finishing. I did go to Bethel college to visit my new friend and some other friends and ended up having a wonderful time just talking and meeting his new friends. I know that God has wonderful things planned for him and I hope for the privilege to see at least some of them happen.
I love you all. Have a blessed day.

I feel like I should write something profound, but I can't think of anything. I'm busy at home, but not relaxing. I haven't been able to get up to Bethel to visit friends yet. Once I do, I think I'll feel better for at least a while. Camp Mack festival is on Saturday=looking forward to that. I'll think of something good to write for next time.

Really?

It's difficult to put into words what's really going on inside my head. I met the perfect man for me. To my knowledge, he meets all the requirements on my list. But, I'm not sure how he feels. And, he's a few years younger than me. Translated: even if he were interested, he's not ready and won't be for a while. I try not to think about it much, but so far I have failed. I give him and my heart to God every day, and still......it's difficult.

I don't miss Terre Haute yet. (I honestly don't think I will.) I got to see the sunset tonight.....something I enjoy doing and is almost impossible in the city. Mom and I are redecorating the house--it's time to do my room. It'll be nice to have it less juvenile. The pictures are coming off the walls, the toys are finally put away, and it's beginning to look like an adult lives there. I'm an adult. A jobless adult, but an adult none the less. I may be worth a lot to a man, but I'll be worth a lot more if I can pay off some of my debt. I need prayers for a good job. I miss talking to my friends.

Praise to the Lord!

"Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

"Praise to the Lord, Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"Praise to the Lord, Who hath fearfully, wondrously, made thee;
Health hath vouchsafed and, when heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
What need or grief ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

"Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him."


I adore You, Lord, for all Your ways.

Yeah

Opening concert last night. I felt connected and at-home. Pre-sold 15+ CDs. I'm starting to see what this singing career thing is all about, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to do it forever. It's not the money thing......it's more about being objectified. The only connection I have with anyone is the fact that they saw me in concert. This comes to mind today because more than one person wanted to carry on a conversation with me at the mall today.....people I don't recognize. Recognition was on their faces--the only thing I can think of is that they go to my church, or saw me in concert somewhere. I feel badly because I have no idea who they are or how they know me. THAT'S the part I don't like about the business. As soon as someone sees you in public they assume that you know who they are--even when you don't. I think the biggest problem for me is that I was expecting to join an already established group. What actually happened is that I joined 2 people already in a group and through the course of events we formed our own, seperate group. The work that I was expecting to be done when I began actually began a few weeks ago. I don't feel badly about moving home again, I feel badly because I think I'm disappointing the others. But how do explain my own disappointment without hurting anyone or being mean? If I need to come back, I will. Right now, I need to leave.

I move home in one week.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm still happy, but I'm tired, and a little sick, ready to move home, unusually ambitious toward fitness... But I realize that I still have two weeks here in the Haute. Two weeks! What can I do for Jesus in two weeks? All kinds of things! I can continue to show His love to those around me, continue in patience, begin walking regularly, and be always joyful--even through all the noise and sibling cruelty.

I'm also distracted. I'm still reading Elizabeth Elliot's book and I'm more convinced that everyone should read it--Quest for Love. She's showing me what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like and why. I have an amazing example in my parents, but this book helps me see how to start. As a woman devoted to God, I am supposed to wait. I knew this, but Elliot explains that the "why" is not just because I'm female, but also because when I take the initiative and make a move, I'm not ALLOWING things to happen, I'm MAKING them happen=not a good thing. If I weren't reading this book and constantly praying about a certain relationship, I may have ruined things by now. The book is helping me with my other relationships, too. I realize that in my own "quest for love" I shouldn't leave others out of my life. A man won't complete me or anyone else (it's not healthy to think so) so I need to keep up with my other friends and near-friends.

I can smell the winds of change coming my direction. I think the change will be a good one. I pray that God keeps my heart with Him--where it belongs!

Take me

"Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days--
Let them flow in ceaseless praise, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
"Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and bautiful for Thee, Swift and beautiful for Thee.
"Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee, Filled with messages from Thee.
"Take my silver and my gold--
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect and use
Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose, Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.
"Take my will and make it Thine--
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart--It is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne, It shall be Thy royal throne.
"Take my love--my Lord, I pour
At they feet its treasure store;
Take myself--and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee, Ever, only, all for Thee."

I love this song for so many reasons! I informed Mike of when I'm leaving, and I know he's disappointed. That makes me sad. God said "Go" and go I went. God's saying "go back home", and I'm running!

Whoops

My life seems to have completely changed during the time since my last posting. The group entered a singing contest in Tennessee and we won second place; the prize for which is radio exposure and promotion. This has changed me in that I now feel much more obligated than before to stay in Terre Haute and excel in this career.

My joy has been renewed! Camp did that for me these last two weeks. The lessons for the kids centered on God's Calling and I think I may have learned more for myself than what I taught.

I applied for a job as a teacher's assistant in a special needs classroom today. As far as I can tell, I have the job, but now I'm not entirely sure I want it. I really need the money and the benefits, but I'm not sure how ready I am to be with moderately challenged kids all day every day in a restricted environment. If there's one thing I've learned while living here, it's that proper discipline is hugely important to the proper development of all children.....and that becomes almost impossible when the child is autistic or has defects due to the mother's drug habit.

I called that other guy and told him I've found someone else......more or less. I have at least been reminded of how much I really am worth.

My joy was renewed, but has already slightly dwindled by the children today. I know it's bad when I can't even think of a song to sing until they're all upstairs in bed. Tomorrow is the first full day of school for them and I think the library and I have some catching up to do when the daddy gets home. I love my Lord so much and it hurts me the most when I can think of no joyous song to sing for Him. Perhaps tomorrow will be better?

Now?

I give up. Treasure doesn't hunt.....but it won't BE hunted if nobody knows where to find it! Church tomorrow. Food. Maybe a nap. No practice. Write a letter? The Daddy needs to stop yelling at everyone...it wears on my nerves. I'm tired. I miss my friends. I need to visit some people I know. If you read this, chances are pretty good we could be friends....I can get along with almost anyone. Now, it's time for some laundry. Good night, all!

Lonliness has become this overwhelming and all-encompassing part of my life. Not just romantic lonliness, but a desperate longing for someone close to my own age to "chill" with. The hope that I will make new friends here in the Haute is quickly dwindling. I thrive on the letters I get from home, but it really is not the same as sharing an understanding hug nor can it compare to a borrowed shoulder. I have begun reading Quest For Love again and it helps with the longings of my heart......helps, but does not vanquish the emptiness. I have heard it said that God can fulfill all of our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. If that is true, why did Adam need Eve? I'm not sure that there is a good answer to this question. All I know is that I'm an Eve who wants to be needed. Me and my men. Over the (few) years of my life I have had many crushes; but under them all there has been the desire for one man. Even though I made a deal with someone else for three years from now, I still hope that this other one will speak up. All I have to do is....wait.
I've been struggling lately with my feelings about God. I feel that I've been on my own for a while now. Maybe that's just because I stopped devotions. Maybe it's because I feel abandoned by fun. Maybe it's because the 2nd job I had lined up fell through. Maybe it's because I'm sneaking around my family......not telling them everything. Maybe it's because I'm where I never wanted to be. Maybe it's because I'm not jealous enough with my heart. Maybe I just need to snuggle with a puppy for a while? Maybe I just need to give up the control I so desperately long to have. I need to refocus on Jesus--you know, the important guy--and focus less on what's happening to me and around me. I think it's time I went for a walk to listen, not talk.

uh.....yeah

I think I may have made a mistake.

Who Knows?

Things here in the Haute are going better than they were. Having all five kids home all the time has been a stress, but we're working on a new routine with scheduled rehearsal time for the group and some days are better than others. I'll be house-sitting for some new friends next week and then I plan to go to Michigan with my family for a day to see my brother, Allen, compete in the Truck Rodeo in Lansing that weekend. Fun times are finally coming for Amanda......and still no paying job. Hmmmm........any of you know a good job opportunity in the greater Terre Haute area? I didn't think so.