I'm drowning in my own desperation for something of worth. I'm in Terre Haute again and struggling to convince myself that it will be over soon. I keep telling myself that I'm here for a reason, and that kinda helps, but it's frustrating that the journey to the end can't be more pleasant. I can feel myself becoming more negative to this situation. I feel like I never left. I feel like I've been trapped into a situation with no way out. Lord, calm my heart and heal my morale.

This was a weird day. Although I got the most stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday" complete with jazzy dance before I even got out of bed, the day was weird. Not really a bad weird, but a different kind of weird. This was my first post-schooling birthday. For the first time since I can remember, there was nothing required of me on my birthday--but I worked anyway. The first thing I accomplished today was to finish mowing the lawn. I went for a walk with mommy, and spent the rest of the day cleaning my room. For the first time, there was no work for me to avoid doing. No homework, no school work.......nothing at all school-related. I'm not complaining. Along with no school goes not many people to share with. I was used to having many people wish me a good day for so many years that it was odd not hearing it all day. It was nice, though. I even had the chance to be alone for a while. 23 is just a number, but it's a number I expected to have a lot more done by. My life is completely different than I thought it would be at this age. I'm single. And jobless. And in debt. With little hope of anything different anytime soon. I'm not depressed, but I'm a little bummed. I guess I've again been reminded that I'm not really the one in charge.

Almost...

In four days I will officially be an old maid. 23 and unmarried is what I'll be. I'm okay with that. We're redecorating the house this year. The bathroom, my parents' bedroom, and my room are finished. The living room, Aaron's room, and the kitchen will have to wait until next spring. It's nice to have all the juvenile stuff gone. But, it's a shocking niceness. Up to now, I've known that when I'm home I can expect certain things to be there--comforts. In an effort to become an adult, I've parted with a number of those items. It was fun to look through all the things I had accumulated and decide that I could live without certain things. I feel as though I've grown up all at once--but I don't feel differently. I've been different since I went to camp this summer and made a few decisions. I listened to what God was saying to me. I sat down and really listened. I had to get out of Terre Haute. I wasn't needed there anymore like I had been. I'm going back in a week, but I know things will be different. Mostly because I know that I don't have to stay. I'll be more relaxed about being there because I'll know that I'll be leaving.
I'm having some of my longest as well as a few of my most recently made friends over on Friday night for some fun times. But that will be different, too. I'm not 18 anymore. I'm a college graduate with a Bachelor's degree. I'm not as immature as I used to be. It'll be nice to sit around a fire and just talk and sing. I don't feel so much like I need to DO something in order to be entertaining. And Aaron will be there. He is my favorite Baby. Allen and Annie will be there. I love them lots. Andy won't be there. We will all miss him terribly! And my new friend hopes to be there. I fully intend for our (mine and Aaron's) birthday party to be a blast. Anyway, that is the event most quickly coming up on my calendar.
From the last time I wrote, my life has been nearly consumed with cleaning and finishing. I did go to Bethel college to visit my new friend and some other friends and ended up having a wonderful time just talking and meeting his new friends. I know that God has wonderful things planned for him and I hope for the privilege to see at least some of them happen.
I love you all. Have a blessed day.

I feel like I should write something profound, but I can't think of anything. I'm busy at home, but not relaxing. I haven't been able to get up to Bethel to visit friends yet. Once I do, I think I'll feel better for at least a while. Camp Mack festival is on Saturday=looking forward to that. I'll think of something good to write for next time.

Really?

It's difficult to put into words what's really going on inside my head. I met the perfect man for me. To my knowledge, he meets all the requirements on my list. But, I'm not sure how he feels. And, he's a few years younger than me. Translated: even if he were interested, he's not ready and won't be for a while. I try not to think about it much, but so far I have failed. I give him and my heart to God every day, and still......it's difficult.

I don't miss Terre Haute yet. (I honestly don't think I will.) I got to see the sunset tonight.....something I enjoy doing and is almost impossible in the city. Mom and I are redecorating the house--it's time to do my room. It'll be nice to have it less juvenile. The pictures are coming off the walls, the toys are finally put away, and it's beginning to look like an adult lives there. I'm an adult. A jobless adult, but an adult none the less. I may be worth a lot to a man, but I'll be worth a lot more if I can pay off some of my debt. I need prayers for a good job. I miss talking to my friends.

Praise to the Lord!

"Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

"Praise to the Lord, Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"Praise to the Lord, Who hath fearfully, wondrously, made thee;
Health hath vouchsafed and, when heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
What need or grief ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

"Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him."


I adore You, Lord, for all Your ways.

Yeah

Opening concert last night. I felt connected and at-home. Pre-sold 15+ CDs. I'm starting to see what this singing career thing is all about, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to do it forever. It's not the money thing......it's more about being objectified. The only connection I have with anyone is the fact that they saw me in concert. This comes to mind today because more than one person wanted to carry on a conversation with me at the mall today.....people I don't recognize. Recognition was on their faces--the only thing I can think of is that they go to my church, or saw me in concert somewhere. I feel badly because I have no idea who they are or how they know me. THAT'S the part I don't like about the business. As soon as someone sees you in public they assume that you know who they are--even when you don't. I think the biggest problem for me is that I was expecting to join an already established group. What actually happened is that I joined 2 people already in a group and through the course of events we formed our own, seperate group. The work that I was expecting to be done when I began actually began a few weeks ago. I don't feel badly about moving home again, I feel badly because I think I'm disappointing the others. But how do explain my own disappointment without hurting anyone or being mean? If I need to come back, I will. Right now, I need to leave.

I move home in one week.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm still happy, but I'm tired, and a little sick, ready to move home, unusually ambitious toward fitness... But I realize that I still have two weeks here in the Haute. Two weeks! What can I do for Jesus in two weeks? All kinds of things! I can continue to show His love to those around me, continue in patience, begin walking regularly, and be always joyful--even through all the noise and sibling cruelty.

I'm also distracted. I'm still reading Elizabeth Elliot's book and I'm more convinced that everyone should read it--Quest for Love. She's showing me what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like and why. I have an amazing example in my parents, but this book helps me see how to start. As a woman devoted to God, I am supposed to wait. I knew this, but Elliot explains that the "why" is not just because I'm female, but also because when I take the initiative and make a move, I'm not ALLOWING things to happen, I'm MAKING them happen=not a good thing. If I weren't reading this book and constantly praying about a certain relationship, I may have ruined things by now. The book is helping me with my other relationships, too. I realize that in my own "quest for love" I shouldn't leave others out of my life. A man won't complete me or anyone else (it's not healthy to think so) so I need to keep up with my other friends and near-friends.

I can smell the winds of change coming my direction. I think the change will be a good one. I pray that God keeps my heart with Him--where it belongs!

Take me

"Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days--
Let them flow in ceaseless praise, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
"Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and bautiful for Thee, Swift and beautiful for Thee.
"Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee, Filled with messages from Thee.
"Take my silver and my gold--
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect and use
Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose, Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.
"Take my will and make it Thine--
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart--It is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne, It shall be Thy royal throne.
"Take my love--my Lord, I pour
At they feet its treasure store;
Take myself--and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee, Ever, only, all for Thee."

I love this song for so many reasons! I informed Mike of when I'm leaving, and I know he's disappointed. That makes me sad. God said "Go" and go I went. God's saying "go back home", and I'm running!

Whoops

My life seems to have completely changed during the time since my last posting. The group entered a singing contest in Tennessee and we won second place; the prize for which is radio exposure and promotion. This has changed me in that I now feel much more obligated than before to stay in Terre Haute and excel in this career.

My joy has been renewed! Camp did that for me these last two weeks. The lessons for the kids centered on God's Calling and I think I may have learned more for myself than what I taught.

I applied for a job as a teacher's assistant in a special needs classroom today. As far as I can tell, I have the job, but now I'm not entirely sure I want it. I really need the money and the benefits, but I'm not sure how ready I am to be with moderately challenged kids all day every day in a restricted environment. If there's one thing I've learned while living here, it's that proper discipline is hugely important to the proper development of all children.....and that becomes almost impossible when the child is autistic or has defects due to the mother's drug habit.

I called that other guy and told him I've found someone else......more or less. I have at least been reminded of how much I really am worth.

My joy was renewed, but has already slightly dwindled by the children today. I know it's bad when I can't even think of a song to sing until they're all upstairs in bed. Tomorrow is the first full day of school for them and I think the library and I have some catching up to do when the daddy gets home. I love my Lord so much and it hurts me the most when I can think of no joyous song to sing for Him. Perhaps tomorrow will be better?

Now?

I give up. Treasure doesn't hunt.....but it won't BE hunted if nobody knows where to find it! Church tomorrow. Food. Maybe a nap. No practice. Write a letter? The Daddy needs to stop yelling at everyone...it wears on my nerves. I'm tired. I miss my friends. I need to visit some people I know. If you read this, chances are pretty good we could be friends....I can get along with almost anyone. Now, it's time for some laundry. Good night, all!

Lonliness has become this overwhelming and all-encompassing part of my life. Not just romantic lonliness, but a desperate longing for someone close to my own age to "chill" with. The hope that I will make new friends here in the Haute is quickly dwindling. I thrive on the letters I get from home, but it really is not the same as sharing an understanding hug nor can it compare to a borrowed shoulder. I have begun reading Quest For Love again and it helps with the longings of my heart......helps, but does not vanquish the emptiness. I have heard it said that God can fulfill all of our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. If that is true, why did Adam need Eve? I'm not sure that there is a good answer to this question. All I know is that I'm an Eve who wants to be needed. Me and my men. Over the (few) years of my life I have had many crushes; but under them all there has been the desire for one man. Even though I made a deal with someone else for three years from now, I still hope that this other one will speak up. All I have to do is....wait.
I've been struggling lately with my feelings about God. I feel that I've been on my own for a while now. Maybe that's just because I stopped devotions. Maybe it's because I feel abandoned by fun. Maybe it's because the 2nd job I had lined up fell through. Maybe it's because I'm sneaking around my family......not telling them everything. Maybe it's because I'm where I never wanted to be. Maybe it's because I'm not jealous enough with my heart. Maybe I just need to snuggle with a puppy for a while? Maybe I just need to give up the control I so desperately long to have. I need to refocus on Jesus--you know, the important guy--and focus less on what's happening to me and around me. I think it's time I went for a walk to listen, not talk.

uh.....yeah

I think I may have made a mistake.

Who Knows?

Things here in the Haute are going better than they were. Having all five kids home all the time has been a stress, but we're working on a new routine with scheduled rehearsal time for the group and some days are better than others. I'll be house-sitting for some new friends next week and then I plan to go to Michigan with my family for a day to see my brother, Allen, compete in the Truck Rodeo in Lansing that weekend. Fun times are finally coming for Amanda......and still no paying job. Hmmmm........any of you know a good job opportunity in the greater Terre Haute area? I didn't think so.

Newness

Lots of new stuff....but at the same time, not new at all. I'm still me, I'm just in a new city with a new family and a new schedule. I get out of bed early in the morning (or not) sit around writing letters or watching TV unitl one of the kids comes home from Kindergarten and then hang out with him and have some kind of lunch and wait for his mom and brothers come home. Then we all just sit around and wait for dinner and then go to bed.

Not very eventful, but I'm always tired. The twins wake up in the middle of the night and scream for what seems like hours. I'm not used to children at all, so that's been the most difficult for me.

My music career debut was Sunday night. It was more or less spontaneous. We three got some positive comments, so I'm encouraged. We record in Michigan this weekend and then I go home for a couple weeks for the wedding and stuff. My brother won't live here for much longer....I'm sad, but I know he needs to go. God says "go" and ya gotta go.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss having a schedule. I miss knowing where I'll be going and what I'll be doing and when it'll happen. I miss alone time. I miss good sleep. I miss adult conversation. I miss not having a broken heart......he's with someone else. I miss the country. I miss living where people don't have a southern accent and have most of their teeth. I miss the feeling that God keeps me "in the loop." I miss knowing people in my area. I miss having friends close by.....I miss life.

I know I'm supposed to be here. I may not like it, but I'll stay until God says move on. I'm not positive about how He'll tell me, but I trust he'll make it obvious. I trust Him.

Fi-nal-ly!

Finally! I only have one more paper to write today and pack a few things to take home and I'm done with all of my undergraduate work forever! It's about time.

I also have only one more hour of Pride and Prejudice before I can justify starting over again. Lots going on in my mind and heart......I'll try to post later.

Class time

Another musing from class:

I hear the call of Death. Not a terrible death filled with horror, but a death which is beautiful beyond the description of any language. This Death may be found in the songs of birds and in a glance lovers share. This is a death which heralds new Life; Life to be found in the passage of time. Not a death of Joy--or Hope--but the death of Depravity and Hopelessness. This Death calls to me and I turn my face completely and reach toward his embrace of strange Love...the Love of Death.

It kinda sounds morbid, but it's sunny and pretty in my mind. School is ending (as I've written before) and I'm okay with it. Finally. This end is the Death of one chapter which must occur for the Birth of the next chapter to open. I'm okay with it. I'm excited. Now I must begin my love notes...

Almost over

I just finished writing a paper over 1000 pages of reading. I only have about 1500 pages more to read and write about and then I'll be totally done with all my projects before finals next week. I've been searching for a way to let all my closest friends know how much they mean to me, and I've finally come up with a solution! I'll keep you updated on that.

I'm sensing more often the bittersweet quality which only comes with the end of a school year. This is a different kind of sweetness because it's my last school year. I don't feel bitter at this end. What I feel is a beautiful mix of sweetness and anticipation and fear. The sweetness comes from the knowledge that I've acomplished something big; the anticipation is bred from questions about the future; the fear from knowing I'm leaving some of my closest and dearest friends.

What will I do when I can't just go upstairs or across campus to get a hug from a friend? What will happen to me when a phone call just isn't enough? Will they even miss me like I know I'll miss them? I find myself intensely interested in what my fellow seniors will be doing in the next year. I want to sit down with so many of them--even ones I've never been very close to--and just talking about their plans. I love to watch the way their eyes light up when they talk about this summer, or their wedding, or the job they got. This is the time when so much joy is found all around me, and though I know it can't last, I desperately wish it could.

Even with all this joy, I know that not everyone is gleefully anticipating the next few weeks. For these precious people I pray that they'll not be bitter in the midst of all the happiness. I have experienced true Joy and I have had a taste of the Joy to come. With this taste comes the burning passion to share the Joy. If you ask me, I'll share it.

I have a friend whose heart hurts and I'm not sure what to do. The human in me wants to fix it, but I fully realize that there's nothing I can do to open their eyes. In fact, their eyes ARE open, but they turn their face away from the truth for the lack of proof. They know they hold their eternal life in the balance and yet they go on denying the existance of my soul's lover. In effect, this friend calls me not a liar, but blindly ignorant with regard to all things eternal. Last night we talked and my friend asked me HOW I know my beliefs are true. I can't explain in a way they'll understand because our hearts are not in the same place. All I can do is live and love them the only way I know how--completely and with all my heart.

This I think is enough from the mind and heart of this almost-graduate. I hope all have a beautiful day and good luck with the end of the school year!

Opening Night

"Cinderella" went very well tonight, I was told. I went out with some of the cast afterward and I'm glad that I did. I've done that after the other shows I was in and I've had a different experience every time. Tonight was more fancy-free, but I felt much more responsible than I have before. I've matured so much in just the last two years that the person I was three years ago very nearly annoys me. I look back and what I see is a girl who desperately wanted to be in a relationship with anyone who would ask......if only they would ask. Now that I've been in two and broke both of them off for lists of reasons I can see that I only need Jesus. I want a man--but I need Jesus.

I got several comments regarding my post about the man I love. Given the nature of our relationship (and the fact that we've been very good friends for quite some time) I know that telling him how I feel is not yet the right course of action. I really do want to tell him, but I'm not about to throw myself at a man. Maybe it's pride, but it's more likely that I'm just waiting for him to make up his mind about me and get a job. And I don't want to put him in a position where he may be faced with perhaps ending communication with me after graduation. I'm going to give him a chance to say something to me about his feelings and then I'll speak up. If he wants to do the DTR (Define The Relationship) thing, I'm gonna make him go first--and then I'll be honest.

So, this was a good day. My picture's in the local paper for the play. More some other time.

It's finally here!

Senioritis has finally arrived--and in full force. I want to spend all of next week doing as much work as I can so that I have as much time to play as possible. Will it happen? We'll see.

In other news: I'm working on something big. I'm going to try to put down in words my feelings about college and stuff. We'll see how that goes too.