Me!

Nothing, really

I don't have anything super profound today. Lots of stuff is changing. I wish it were all over but would last forever. How do I tell someone that I'm not interested in them.....but their friend? Am I really interested, or do I just realize that things are changing and want security?

Something new was suggested to me yesterday that I need to look into: the Transitions to Teaching class. I could come back here next fall and take this 18 hour class and get my teaching degree and have things like.....benefits, health insurance, marketability. All of these are good things. AND the person who gave the advice also offered to let me stay with her! Exciting stuff. I'm definitely going to examine THAT possibility! Of course, I won't NEED to do that if I could only find a good man! Hmm.....I should get working on that! (I'm really just kidding.)

I like it when I get comments. Sometimes when I read the "anonymous" ones I try to imagine who left them. It's kinda weird to think that people whom I've never met are reading my stuff. I like it, though. It's wild.

During Class....

During my Monday night class (C.S. Lewis: The Persuader) I often sit in my chair at the professor's home and write little tid bits that come to mind. Here are a few for your reading pleasure.

You are my every breath; You are my every thought. You are my every desire; You are my hope. My God is my every thing, the only one who matters to my heart. In the moonlight I follow the path and I speak with Him in words found only in the language of the heart. The path seems to disappear at times, but that is when I close my eyes and open the ears of my spirit to better hear the voice of my soul's lover. I close my eyes and fun after His voice calling to me out of the darkness.

The struggle for Joy and Happiness is Fleeting Agony.

The monster of Desire rears its ugly head in

the midst of Genuine Searching.

Are You still there to listen to my prayer's and calm my fears? You know what's in my heart and You know what will actually work and help. Teach me to give it all to You.

Show me how to make You smile.

"God"= all the beautiful and wonderful things and experiences

that could never hope to occur in one so limited as myself.

Intimate with Struggle

Deep Sorrow

Transcending Emotion

The Mortality of Innocence

Joy is Contagious

The Age of Heartlessness

Dysfunctionally Materialistic

Lifeless Joy

Depraved Success

Intelligently Ignorant

Continual Hope of the Morning

Sunset brings the Death of Hope

The Absence of Dream's Knowledge

Desperate Love

I am in bondage to Christ alone! No more will I serve another Master. For there is

no master better than the Lover of my Soul...

Jesus brings Meaning to Existence

Lonliness is a Monster in my soul...

In my Heart's Prison I am the keeper...only Christ has the key.

I hear the call of Him who loves me most. His voice is soft and sweet. He teaches birds to sing and hearts to rejoice--how can I help my answering? Would I evere consider hoping for the affections of another? No. No other can be worthy of me. He deserves my heart's every beat and my soul's every gasping breath.

Do I spend my life waiting for someone to may never appear? Or do I try to live in a manner which is pleasing to my Lord and Savior? If the former, I chase after a dream. If the latter, I will absolutely find the true and complete Joy only to be found in Christ. Would it make a difference if I saw the future? Would I live in a manner to reach the end fully, or would my selfishness get in the way? If I could see the future, my attitude would change to become consumed with trying to bring or change the unavoidable consequences of my ignorant actions. I don't want to see the future, so I must strive to live my life for God alone. Only in completely denying my own desires will I ever stand a chance to be completely enraptured with the beauty of Christ.

My Joy has yet to be discovered.

I have stepped over into the summer of my life.

Just when I find It, It leaves. It flees quickly to avoid capture.

The only thing I want, does not want to be wanted.

What's missing? A nameless thing haunts my heart's darkest places. It stays just out of my reach--beyond my grasp. Should I stop reaching for it?

If It be temptation, I must draw back my hand. If It be Christ, I

must begin running for all I'm worth to catch Him--though fail I may!

Well, visitors, I hope that you've enjoyed this installment of Amanda: Rated R. It's been fun. I hope I gave you something to ponder through this adventure. Next time=Quotes from The Essential Erasmus. Until then, sing "Jesus Loves Me" a lot!

I'm sick......but I'm going on spring break anyway! You can't stop me! Gettysburg, Hershey, and D.C. here I come!

Now...

Now I'm sick. Spring break begins for me on Friday and I'm sick. Annie and I are visiting Gettysburg and Hershey, PA, and Washington, D.C. I plan to have a lot of fun while spending as little money as possible. It'll be an adventure. If I don't get better before that, it'll be a sick adventure.

JOB!

I got a job! After graduation, I'll be joining a Christian quartet called Kingdom Bound. Right now, we'll be recording during May and begin touring in June. I'm pretty psyched.

Secretly...

Secretly, every girl wants to be Cinderella. Every woman wants to be rescued from her circumstances by a wonderful and charming prince who is determined to do anything to get her. Unfortunately, the prince turns out to be less than charming (or ambitious) and Cinderella usually ends up with her hopes and dreams dashed because the man she married isn't who she thought he was. Real life hits you like a snowflake: you can't feel the cold right away. Why is it so hard for people to live the fairy tale life? Because life is not really a fairy tale. All the good princes are taken or (more often) not interested and all the Cinderellas are too busy chasing to be chased. My suggestion: Secretly like from a distance and flirt little. Flirting only confuses and sends mixed signals. Will I be able to stop flirting? Heck no! Because I know this about myself, I'm going to try to avoid circumstances where flirting is almost a rule. Moral of the story= Guys: It works better if you say clearly whether or not you have interest. Girls: If you don't like him the way he is, don't bother.

I cried in the post office today.......thank you, Andy.

I haven't written much lately because I'm having a breakdown. Lots of homework and little to no desire to actually do it, but an overwhelming need to have it done does not necessarily mean that it gets done. I'm really trying not to procrastinate, but I find myself considering which assignment can be put off 'til the next day in order to get the more pressing ones finished. I went shopping at homestarrunner.com last week and I got my purchases in the mail on Monday. My shirts are fabulous. That's the bright spot in this entire black hole that I find myself in. Words of encouragement do no good. (I usually love knowing when I'm doing a good job, but I get no warm fuzzies from it now.) I have no money. I think that's the huge drain on my soul. I have no money. Splurging is now a thing of the past. Now it's become, "Dad has no money to put into your account, so you'll have to take money from your personal savings to make your car payment, and pay for your books, and all the other extra things you need for school." And because dad has no money, I feel badly for asking for any......cause I know there isn't any. And why ask for things that don't exist? I've spent the last two Sundays in a row doing nothing but homework all day long. The weather has not afforded the opportunity to venture out to church, so I sleep late and do homework for 7-9 hours on Sunday.....and I'm still not ahead. I don't understand how it happens. All day Sunday and most of the week I do mostly homework and I'm still not ahead in anything. It's just not right. But I'm almost done with this GPA school and then it's off to the School of Hard Knocks (aka: Life).

And what am I doing right now to better myself? Having a breakdown of monumental proportions. I used to have to make time for just a few select friends, but now I have to do it with ALL my friends just so I get to see them once in a while. I would do homework with some of them, but I need it to be really quiet in order to concentrate and by that point, why even try to do homework with a friend if the sound of them breathing distracts me? Ya know? I think I just need that mythical extra week to do nothing but all the homework I have for the rest of the semester and then it'll be done and over with and I can be happy again.

Good news: the sun was shining in my room today! It's my friend's birthday today! I'm wearing the yellow ducky shirt that I bought from http://homestarrunner.com and I love it! I had lunch today with a friend I haven't talked to in for too long! I haven't cursed God! I love Jesus! I'm slowly calming down and realizing that my soul's lover has everything under control........sigh.

Meaningless update

It's cold in the Midwest. It's cold here in Indiana. It's cold in Northern Indiana. It's cold in Winona Lake. It's cold at Grace College. It's cold in my dorm. It's cold in my room. I'm cold. I did homework all day long. I left my room a grand total of three times today all of which were trips upstairs to my friends fridge and the last was a trip upstairs to the fridge and to post another overnight slip for the same friend. My life is absolutely amazing, right? No. I'm feeling extremely ambitious to do things that I haven't been asked to do. For example, I haven't been asked to join a company and make $100,000/year. I want to do all my work here so successfully that my profs will all remember me by name instead of "The overweight redhead who always sits in the middle of class." (Before anyone tries to tell me that I'm not overweight, I'd like to point out that 160 lbs. for a 5' 4" tall woman is 30 lbs. overweight. And I'm not going to listen to all that talk about "big bones" and "men like curvey women") I want people to remember me for not just telling them about myself, but for listening to them. I want others to recall that I was never purposely mean to them. I want people to know that I stick up for them when they're not around to do it themselves. I want more than anything else to be remembered! But does it really make any difference if I am? Even recently I had someone I had never met before come up to me and ask, were you the princess in that play I saw? Yes, I was. I was a princess once. The next year I was a queen. I'm still a princess, but not in a play. I belong to God. I am a child of the only creator of any universe. They say that an elephant has an incredible memory. Well, God made that memory. That tells me that God has an absolutely unfathomable memory. (I can only remember to my 7th year, but God created Time itself. That's pretty incredible.) I guess this update isn't so meaningless after all. If nobody else remembers me for anything, God remembers me because I am His. That's enough for me.

Something new

I don't know how new this is, but I'm gonna try doing things a little differently. Don't worry, I'm not going to put any of your dark secrets on here (I don't want to know them anyway) I'm just going to be completely and totally real. I'm fragile. Not in the sense that I need to be rescued or anything. It's just that little things hurt me.......but they don't. I'm not the one who feels the pain--you do. It hurts me when people make a bigger deal out of things than what needs to be because I see that they cause themselves so much more stress than is needed. It hurts me to see other people hiding behind their "Christian" walls. Our speaker in chapel made very real the wonderful point that if we want revival in our churches it has to begin in our own hearts. I can't just sit in a pew and wait for revival to happen in my church--the new beginning has to occur in my own heart first. If Jesus isn't in complete control of my life and heart then there is no hope. When I think of the years that I've wasted just sitting around and waiting for something to happen instead of letting it happen, I want to lay on the floor and spend hours just doing nothing.....but that's the problem=I've been doing nothing. The knowledge that I don't need to be married to make a difference shows me how much more time has been wasted in waiting for others. When I think of the fact that God loves me and I didn't have to do anything to earn His divine love and mercy it blows my mind. It's our fallen nature that makes us believe that we have to earn everything we get, but we don't. There's no way we'll ever be able to earn what God freely offers through His Son.

I say I'm fragile. I mean that, but it's not what you may think. It hurts me to see other people suffer. I get absolutely no pleasure in watching others go through painful experiences. When I see someone hurting all I want to do is encourage them and give them some astonishing piece of advice, but I don't know how. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. He takes care of them in ways that I cannot. Somehow, He comforts those who cannot be comforted by me--that's enough for me. I hurt, but it's not always for myself. Mostly it's for those I see around me who get caught up in criticizing others so much that they forget to do a self-check. They forget that Jesus died for the person they're ripping to shreds just as much as He died for them. The criticizer forgets that God doesn't care that someone else has ugly shoes, or didn't take a shower one day. God cares that maybe that person can't afford name-brand shoes, or maybe they were helping a friend make through the lowest point of their life and didn't have time for a shower. The point is that God sees the things that we don't and that we don't want to see. We see something unfashionable, but God sees someone worth dying for.

How can I go on with my life the way it is? I claim to be a Christian, but I let my mind wander to sinful things. I claim to want to follow Christ, but I get caught up in all the "it's none of my business" and "if they wanted you to know, they would tell you." Is that what it means to love the God who formed my heart and mind? Does loving God include chasing after things that I know He doesn't want me to have, just because I can run? Loving and following the Almighty means doing what He wants, not just what I want. Sometimes it hurts.....but that's just us being stupid and unbending.

I say, why don't we all just focus on the good things about people and try to forget about their short-comings? We all already know what's wrong with us.....it's just that Jesus loves us anyway. Let's focus on that.

Fitting in

Sometimes I just want to haul off and tell people exactly what I think of them. I see in others exactly what I see in myself and I know it would be easier to tell others about their imperfections in order to make myself feel better and it's less work than trying to fix them in myself. Did that sentence even make sense?

While I was at home for the semester break, I didn't do a whole lot of reflection. I spent a good portion of my time wasting it. I read a few books, put together a few puzzles, played some cards, watched movies, and left home very little. I didn't see any of my friends (save one) and I rather enjoyed that. It's nice to have friends, but I really learn to appreciate them when they're gone for a while. I feel like I'm out of place here now. I can't sleep because I'm not tired. I want to tell people exactly what I think of them, but that would mean that I have to be open to listening to their opinions regarding me. I would have to be prepared to hear the worst, and frankly, I'm too lazy to prepare myself for that. I'm in a state of apathy. I don't care about you. I don't care about the earth. I don't care about school. But I'm sure I'll be myself again in a few days. At least, I hope I will be.

I saw him across a crowded room and I wondered whether or not he even noticed me.
I've seen his eyes before, and known his heart in my dreams.
He is only a dream; an illusion sent to tempt and frustrate.
I keep telling myself, "It's only a dream..."
When will I awake?

Years ago I would imagine my future and this point always seemed so far away. I have just completed the first semester of my senior year of college. I remember thinking that this point in my life would never arrive and here it is. Right now. I used to think, "When I turn 20, THEN I'll be an adult." 20 came and went and now I'm 22. My whole life to this point seems like it was a dream; like I wasn't really the one living it--just watching. Now I face leaving all that I have come to know and love here at Grace. I have to seriously sit down and think about where I want to spend my future tomorrows. I should have some idea about decisions by now, but I don't. I thought I knew who I'd marry once.....at least I thought I would by now. I thought I'd know the kind of job I'd have "when I grow up." I thought I'd have my life all planned perfectly. Well, at least enough that I would learn to never procrastinate.

After staying up until 5:30am yesterday finishing a project, I realize that I have a long way to go. I don't read my Bible enough. I don't pray enough. I'm selfish. I really don't mind cold weather, but I hate being cold. I desperately long to have someone who'll let me hold them.....I long more to be held myself. That's my problem: I'm desperate. Why can't I be consistantly desperate for my Lord? Why does everything I desire have to go through some kind of emotional filter before I know why I desire it? Why is it so hard for me to realize that I'll never be a perfect princess in one of those perfect stories where everyone is attractive and sweet? Even knowing that'll never happen doesn't prevent me wanting it so badly that I'm still awake at 3:12am thinking about it. I've always had a facination with fairy tale romance. Sure, every girl wants a prince charming, but my facination runs deeper than just the showy parts of it. Happily ever after doesn't really work. It looks pretty darn good on paper, but I've always known that a relationship takes hard work and dedication; romance doesn't "just happen." Knowing it doesn't work that way doesn't prevent my desire for a storybook romance.

I lie awake at night wondering what my future mate is doing. I wonder if he's thinking about me even though we have no idea who each other is yet. It's tiring to love someone, but it's even more tiring to love someone and have no idea who tbey are. I love my husband without knowing his name. I have no idea how he takes his coffee.....IF he takes coffee at all. I will not settle for less than love (and all the starred items on my list) and I tire of looking for the man who can fulfill the role of my husband. Is that the problem? Have I truly been looking this whole time? Is that what I've been doing wrong? I can honestly say that no, I have not been looking. I have attempted to mold 2 different men into something that I could love forever, but God saved me from my own ignorance. He told me that I don't have to "mold" anyone into my husband because He's working on that now. It's not my job to mold anyone. The only thing that I have to do is to allow God to mold me.

Sometimes when I feel down, Lord,/And clouds are all I see,/My heart begins to question all Your faithfulness to me./That's when, dear Lord, remind me,/Tho' it's hard to understand,/That Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

And teach me to remember,/It's the Potter's right to choose/The purpose for His vessels/And the method He will use./For who am I to question/All You've written in Your plans?/For Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

The Potter takes the clay and turns it in His hands/Sometimes to start again He needs to break it./But when He stops the wheel,/His loving hands reveal/a work of art the way He wants to make it. O Lord, my heart can take it.

So if You want to mold me,/I'm ready for the pain./I know that You will hold me/'Til Your purose is made plain./In every pain or pleasure/I delight in Your commands,/For Lord, You are the Potter,/I'm just a vessel in Your hands.
~A Vessel in Your Hands
By Larry Shackley

I sang this song in church on Sunday. I usually break down in the middle of it, but I didn't this time. Each time I sing it it means more to me. Everything that my soul cries out to God is in this song. I KNOW that things are supposed to hurt sometimes, and I try to be ready for it. I KNOW that God holds me through all the hurts that I experience, but it doesn't make them hurt any less. I am nothing, and God loves me. He loves ME. ME! I have no worth to anyone without God's love. At the end of the day, no matter what I've done, God is there. At the end of this year, with all the wrongs I've committed, God is there, too. God loves me. At the end of time itself, God will be the only thing that I'll even care about. Whether you're in heaven singing about God for all eternity, or if you're burning in hell, GOD is the only thing that any of us will want. And God loves me. Do I love God? Yes. I desire God more than passionately than I desire my next breath. My hope to walk inside His will for my life is more important for me to chase than any hope of attracting any man on this planet. How do I show God that I love Him? I don't preach at people from the TV. I don't give vast amounts of money to the poor.....or anyone else, for that matter. I don't intend to move to Africa to care for the sick and dying in His name. All I can do is live my life for Him. Where I'll do that is unknown to me. But God knows where I'll be doing it, and how I'll sustain myself. All I have to do is trust God. He loves me. At the end of time, God is there........He's the only one who matters. Maybe I should start living like I truly believe that.

God, I know that You love me more than any husband ever could. You didn't die just because You love us.....You died to SAVE us. You're the only one who could ever truly save anyone; all I ask is that You point out to me those who I can tell about Your wonderful gift. All I want is to show who You are to the lost. Just say "Go" and I'll go.......and I know that You'll go with me. I'm ready, Lord, show me where.

God's voice

In the first dream I was walking up a staircase with 2 men unknown to me in reality. In the dream, I felt a sense of responsibility toward both of them. We were headed to a specific room with one big wall-sized window covered with a sheer curtain. On the back wall was a large bookcase filled with old, dusty books. The wall opposite the window had 2 doors in it. I remember feeling an evil presence as we three climbed the stairs, and I knew I was engaging in spiritual warfare. I was leaving the younger man at this place--an asylum of some kind. The older man was his brother. The younger one kept attempting to harm me physically by biting me and pushing me, but I wasn't afraid of him. I started talking to him about Jesus. I could tell his older brother was talking, but I couldn't make out his words or meaning. That fact didn't seem to bother him or myself. We entered the room and I sat on the arm of an over-stuffed chair with the older brother. Jesus came up again with the younger asking to know more about Him. I moved and sat on his lap and he transformed as I began to tell of Christ. His eyes became darker and wider, his bared teeth had large gaps in them and were covered in blood--as if he had just bitten through someone. I drew backa little and put my hand to his throat to hold him back and cried to to Jesus to help me. All this time the older man had a been yelling at me and slapping at me, but was never quite able to reach me. I knew that asking Jesus' help would make me safe. I knew that if I kept calling for Him I would be okay. I was still very afraid. The next thing I saw, I was rocking back and forth on my knees on the floor with my eyes closed and my hands covering my ears, and I was singing a song which must belong only in my dreams. The words and tune I can almost remember. I could see the demons in human form dancing around me in my mind's eye and I could hear their evil laughter and taunts, but I continued to rock on the floor trying to drown out their sound with my song to my savior. I knew that they could not harm me as long as Jesus would help me.

It was a mix of knowing I had nothing to fear, but still being afraid for my life. I was afraid that I would get tired and fall asleep on the floor and that they would take me over. I was afraid of losing my soul to the dark side if I were to fall asleep. I was fearlessly afraid.

In the next dream, I was leaving campus on an errand in our suburban during a soft rain. It was dark and I had to go through a series of tunnels to reach my destination. On my travels, I realized I had made a wrong turn, but had no way of correcting the mistake. I was in heavy traffic and suddenly found that all vehicles had disappeared, but this seemed normal to me. Hundreds of people were milling around in this underground tunnel wondering what to do. I had the feeling that there was some information missing from the posted directions for exiting the tunnel. I KNEW something was missing, and I could ALMOST remember what it was. I tried to break away from the confused mob to search for the needed information, but the people were everywhere; it seemed they were calmly panicking. I remember feeling frantic. I sensed a time limit to finding the way out.
Towards the back of the tunnel there was a conveyor belt--much like the baggage claim area in an airport. The page with directions on using it to escape was partially missing. Not just any part, the CAUTION! The part where it outlines all the things you need to be careful to avoid in exiting the tunnel. My father was there helping me try to remember. (He wasn't really a prominent figure in the dream; I had more the feeling that he was there.) Eventually we just jumped onto the belt and rode it to the top. We went through danders and made it to the top with some (fleeting) thought as to how the other people in the tunnel would make it out. I almost wanted to find a way to go back and tell the others how to make it, but the desire to finish the "race" and get through the new dangers I sensed to be coming won out and the last thing I remember is jumping off the belt in a factory-type setting and trying to avoid the workers who were yelling at me to stop. It had the feel of a movie ending which leads into a continuation.

In both of these dreams, nobody touched me in a harmful manner. The people would reach for me and threaten me, but they were never quite able to touch me. I was afraid of what they threatened to do to me, but I was also fearless because I knew that they could never really hurt me because I knew and called on Jesus. They would scream at me that Jesus didn't really love me and that He wasn't really there, and that He was imaginary, and I was afraid to fall asleep because I was afraid that I would awaken and believe it. I kinda feel like God allowed me to hear and see my own demons and guided my dreamed-of actions so that I would be reassured that He never leaves me......not even in my sleep.

Schindler--I mean, Amanda's List

So, I pushed the "Publish" button and lost everything I just wrote. I'll just do it all over again. Everyone should have a list of necessary qualifications for one of the opposite sex to have before being considered for personal romantic affections. This is mine......

(*=denotes a quality not open to question or debate; #=quality which is open to subjective review)

*Must be a Christian
Ambitious
Emotionally stable
*Financially responsible
*Intelligent
Genuine with emotion....not superficial or 'fake'
*Generous
*Patient
Kind to those he supervises
*Respected by all who know him
#No "experience"
*Unselfish
Energetic
*Sociable
Musically talented
*Faithful and loyal
*Self-assured and confident
Attractive
*Has direction in life
Loving
*Willing to work hard
*Must get along with my family
Assertive
Willing to have fun
Puts his own wishes aside for those of others
Not afraid of a little dirt
*Puts God's will and desires ahead of his own
*Won't pressure me....lets things happen in God's time
Healthy, but doesn't obsess
Doesn't want another mother
*Keeps track of his own stuff
Willing to help with household chores
*Loves his family and wants to start one of his own
*Learns from past mistakes instead of repeating them
Enjoys the simple things in life
Likes being indoors AND outdoors
*Enjoys his own company....not too clingy or needy
*Is a leader....but not domineering or tyrannical
Not afraid to cry
Talks during movies.....or at least doesn't mind that I do
*Willing to share his opinion...but doesn't try to convince others to agree with him
Knows when to stop pushing an issue
Not afraid of my tears
*Considerate of me and others
*Realizes he doesn't know everything
Knows that sometimes all I need is someone to listen, I can "fix it" myself
*Won't compromise my integrity

I'm sure this isn't a complete list (even for me), but this is all I can add now. Perhaps more will develop as I meet new people and stuff. Now I wonder if men like this actually exist in reality?

The stuff of life

As I go through my classes here at this institute for higher learning, occasionally things strike me as profound. (Gosh, that means I must pay attention in class or something) For example, I learned today the vast importance of considering other people and respecting their opinion during conflict. You're probably thinking, "Duh, of course it's important to be considerate." But not everyone is Christian. And some people like to argue just for the sake of having some kind of a disagreement. Then there's the people who take every little comment out of context and become offended by them. In the corporate world, conflicts arise and each person experiencing the conflict automatically asks the question, "How will this affect me and my success?" How does God see conflict? Whether or not the conflict is good or bad in our own selfish eyes, God approaches it with OUR interest in mind. Christ had a conflict of sorts with the rich young ruler. The young man came to Him and asked how to gain eternal life. Instead of only telling the ruler that one thing is needed, or that it was too late for him, Christ looked into the man's heart and got right to the point. He pointed out that which was closest to the young man and made him see that his worldly wealth was distracting him from the ways of God. No doubt Jesus' words continued to cause a war in the young man's mind long after. We talked about this in class today.....no joke!

Would Jesus have confronted the rich man's heart if He were only looking for personal gain? I think not. Selfish people claim to look to the interests of others, but (sometimes unknowingly) truly desire only their own gain. The "ladder of success" needs to be climbed by someone, right? Who better to climb it than me? I've never seen an episode of "The Apprentice", but from reading the reviews for the show and talking to those who have seen it, I have come to the conclusion--and I realize that it's not a completely educated conclusion having not watched it myself--that the contestants on the show were perfect examples of what I'm talking about. Those people were willing to do anything and everything to get ahead of the others. Now I know it was a competition, but what I'm trying to illustrate is the difference between a Christ like attitude and the attitudes we'll all come into contact with in the future. I can't bluntly tell a non-believer that he's wrong without alienating him, but I can set a good example. In the same way, I cannot MAKE someone believe that Jesus loves them, I have to SHOW them. Among friends that show often includes a conflict. I've often heard the term "call to account." I've even tried it a few times. It's not a pleasant thing to have to do, but we are called to be Christ like and Christ did tell people when they do something that's wrong.

But we also have to be willing to have others tell us that we're wrong too. Last I checked, there has only ever been one perfect person, and I'm not him......neither are you. This week I had to tell more than one friend that some of their actions were wrong. They didn't like hearing it and I didn't like telling it. Sometimes we have to do those things we really don't want to do. I'm sure Christ didn't WANT to suffer the atrocities that He did, but I'm glad He did. That's kinda morbid, isn't it? I'm GLAD Christ went through horrible nightmarish physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual pain. But at the same time, I know that He conquered death. And because He conquered death, I can live with Him forever in heaven. (I'll have to write more about heaven later.)

So, yeah.....conflict is astounding. Friends who come through conflict and grow closer because of or in spite of conflict are even more astounding to me than the power of the deeper emotions...I should stop there.

Some expansion...

Well, here's the thing. We don't always know what God's will does have in store for us, but we can know what it does not include. I know that God does not want me to be an exotic dancer, but I don't know what He does want me to do. I have a list of the men God doesn't want me to be with, but I don't know who He does want me with. Make sense? Maybe God doesn't want me with anyone ever. Sometimes we have to go through the things that don't work so that we can more easily recognize the things that do.
I'm not sure where to go from here, but I'm pretty sure where not to go. I shouldn't go to Africa to live permanently. And I'm fairly certain that I shouldn't try to convert large numbers of Muslims all by myself. But I do know that God wants me to surrender my will completely to His. I'm not going to use this as a means of bashing anyone. This is not an outlet of that kind. This is a place where my thoughts go on the internet uncensored, but I realize that some of my thoughts are for specific people. In those cases, you get an email.

Cut! Take 2!

Well, now what? I'm almost done with school and still have no clue as to what God wants me to do. And I've been through a tumultuous time recently.

I've just ended a relationship. Not just any relationship...one I was determined to make work. That was the problem. It really had nothing to do with what others told me. The fact that he isn't what I need is really a secondary reason for why it didn't work. And, maybe it did work. The reason that I had to end things is because I was determined to do it by myself. There are two problems with this: #1=it takes three people to make a real relationship happen and #2=I need God's help. When choosing a life mate, one must consider all the other people who go into a relationship. You always hear that "you're not marrying the family" but you are. You marry the family because your children will be affected by them in ways that you won't and if you don't get along with the family the children will notice. And you marry the family because the person you marry is a part of that family and without the upbringing they've had, they wouldn't be the way they are. Are you following me?

So, yes. You really do marry the family. Now what does this do to love? This knowledge tests your love of the other person because we have to love them enough to allow them to love you AND your past experiences AND your family.......regardless of what all of it is like. This puts us in the position of leaving ourselves open to disappointment. Do we love fully knowing that others may not return that love? And if we do, how much of ourselves do we really invest in the relationship? I don't think I know anyone who forms a bond with someone just for the sake of the bond itself. People usually want something in return for their time.

I say that I was determined to MAKE the realtionship work, and I was......for a time. But I finally saw the futility of doing anything on my own and stopped everything when I discovered this. It isn't that I thought the other person didn't want a more active role, it's that I know the other person is not the one that God wants me to be with--that's why it was so much work on my part. Did I give him a chance to prove himself? Yes, and he proved himself not to be what God wants for my life. But it goes both ways. I am not what God wants for him. He wanted something serious, and I wasn't ready for that kind of a committment. Am I a terrible person? Probably. Am I selfish? At times. Do I wish that none of it had ever happened? No. We couldn't move on if we had always wondered "what if?"

So, perhaps all of this has served the purpose of getting the both of us to the point where we realize that God wants other things for our lives. Perhaps God used each of us to show the other that we're worth more than any person can prove to us. Nobody can ever deserve us or our affections but that doesn't mean that we should crop our requirement lists down to the bare minimum. My list was big before my first relationship when I trimmed it down to: All I really need is a good Christian man who loves me and wants to take care of me. There's so much more that needs to be there. Love is a huge thing and taking care of someone is not just financial (although that is a big part of it). It's also physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. And it wouldn't always be just me that would need caretaking.......it may end up being parents, children, nieces/nephews, and siblings. I've learned again that it's okay to ask God for the big things. He is a big God and capable of giving huge blessings. I intend to ask Him for the biggest blessings that I can ever hope to get. True love through Him alone, an unquenchable thirst for Him and His word, and fearlessness in telling all I come into contact with of the unending mercy, grace, and everlasting life which comes only from Him. I pray these things for all of you as well........be blessed my friends.

Happy Halloween...

The haunted places of my heart have been revealed. The doors had been closed for a long time and I thought they would stay that way forever. I have been called out of the darkness and I have felt that Christ has been pushing me into the light and to take the offered hand. Reverie has taken the hand and has become Andromeda (Rescued). The Daydream has chosen to awaken and has seen a beautiful dawn. Even as once I lived in the dark, Christ led me to the light given by the heart of a wonderful man. I pray that Christ leads us in our relationship and I hope He lets us grow closer to Him. Thank-you, God, for bringing me here and allowing me to see the beauty of your many gifts!