How Many Days?

We never know how many days we'll have. I went to the viewing for a relative today. On New Year's Day, her boyfriend shot her in the face before driving away and shooting himself. I even heard it on the news that morning, but there were no names reported, so my thinking stopped at, "Oh, how awful! What's this world coming to?" Then, I learned that it was someone that I knew and loved and played with as a child. Mindy was a little older than me, so I always looked up to her when we were together. I always thought that she was so stylish. The saddest part of the whole ordeal for me is that they had 2 little babies together who now don't have a Mommy OR a Daddy. My mother's heart weeps for them more deeply than I can even talk about...I'm even crying as I write this. My first impulse was to volunteer to take them home with me and become the mother they'll never know. I want to help them work through the trauma of their father murdering their mother while they were in the next room. I want to protect them from having to go through anything like that ever again. But reality and sense come close behind to remind me that they're not my responsibility. Those 2 precious babies have other people who can step in and take care of them and love them. I just want to pray for them. Sure, they're only 6 months and 2 years old, but even little kids can tell with something's wrong.  All I can really do is pray for their little hearts...and pray hard. But, should the Lord decide that they should be here with us, well, we'll make room.

The rest of the day is just a blur with a headache. My drive to do only good things toward others and to spread Hope and Sonshine is renewed. Mindy only had 34 years of days. I don't know how many days I'll have, but I want them to be good ones.

Godliness, and Marriage, and Children; Oh MY!

I actually did it. I made a list of New Year's Resolutions. I already KNOW that they won't all be kept "in the way that I prefer" (read: perfectly), but I wrote them down and intend to do my best to stick to them! The 1st one on my list (I won't share them all at once) is to have a regular Bible study time...alone. I know from past experience that this is vitally important to my physical and spiritual health, and it jump-starts my day for me in a positive way.

Another goal is to re-vamp my family's diet and to pay closer attention to what we put ON our bodies as well as IN them. I've enjoyed searching for some hard lotion (hard lotion? It's new to me!)  recipes and am excited to try one...sometime soon. Some friends of mine began their own blog/online market (find it here) and mention a book which I'll have to look into...they even have a free copy to give away; and who doesn't like free stuff!?

Marriage has really jumped to the front of what's on my heart right now. Perhaps more on that later. Suffice it to say that I'm learning more each day that my marriage is a precious gift from God. We work hard to nurture our marriage and draw closer together as time passes.

In other news, Ramona joined us on 11-11-11. Pretty cool, huh? She's doing famously well (she's getting so fat) and she smiles and tries to laugh. At 8 weeks old today, I don't know what I'd do without her. After experiencing different periods of depression with the other 2 (post-partum with #1 and ante-partum with #2) I just delight in having my Ramona! #1 and #2 just adore her and ask what Ramona's doing if they can't see her. Nursing is going even better than I had hoped and I intend to continue with that for as long as possible.

I'm trying to get into a routine with the kids again. The holidays really messed up our routine! Keeping the house clean is helping me to stay focused on routine. I always feel scatterbrained when all our clutter is scattered, so keeping everything in its place allows me to focus on the kids and what we should be doing--instead of cleaning all the time. Danny has even begun asking to use the vacuum. Believe me I cash in on that request! After dinner each night, we all work together to get the dishes done, the kitchen cleaned up, and the house swept before bath time. Then we can all sit together and watch something child-friendly before the kids go to bed. My day usually ends with hanging laundry on the drying rack. It works for us.

That's just a glimpse into my life for today.

It's amazing to me how much housework can build up over the course of a single day away from home. Dean & I were gone much of last Friday and I'm still trying to catch-up on the cleaning! Factor in a 7 months pregnant belly in the way and you've got the recipe for desiring very little "up and down" work. Right now, both kids are napping and I'm enjoying the quiet--instead of doing some of the much-needed housework. I've really tried to include my babies in some of the more mundane chores. Like, dishes. I'm trying to wash the dishes everyday (preferably after every meal) and Danny LOVES to use the "squirter" to help me. I just wash them and put them in the other sink for him to rinse off and then I can put them into the drainer when the sink is full. We have a good time...often a wet time. But, he's learning an important lesson: help. I'm so glad that he's naturally helpful. And, at least with the dishes, he really does help. I'm trying to be more patient with my babies. Rosie and I had a bit of an argument last night over her last bite of supper. She was pretty sure that she didn't want just ONE more bite...but I told her to take it....and then I had to make sure she did. 'Cause I'm the mom and she needs to be obedient. After I sat her on my lap for awhile and told her that I expect her to eat her bite, she was happy enough to comply. And, I think she appreciated that I stuck to what I had said and didn't give in to her. She IS only 1, after all. Both of them know we're having another baby, and they both know what their job will be when he/she gets here: to give the baby lots of hugs and kisses and keep mommy company while she feeds the baby. I even think they're excited about it. I saw them cuddling dolls the other day and rocking them while singing a lullaby. I'm not worried about them being jealous at all. In fact, I'm kind of excited to see their faces the first time they meet their sibling.

Lately

So lately I've really begun to feel convicted to keep my house in better order (i.e. neater). I've got everything I need now: a 3-ring binder (from my college days) filled with my calendar (I printed from my computer), list of daily chores, grocery lists, recipe cards for the week, weekly menu, and a handy little note from another blog about scheduling my day. The biggest part for me is to actually drag out the vacuum a few times every week and USE it. It's hard because I'm 7 months pregnant and in order to efficiently use the rug-sucker, I need to pick up all...the...toys. That brings me to another item on my (Danny's) daily list: pick up toys. Danny has a job chart, too. Only, it seems like he's not interested in doing his jobs unless I'm right there to help him through it. Hmmm. I guess that one needs a little more thought. Back to my chores! It's really helped me feel a little less frazzled to have the house mostly clean all the time. I never liked cleaning the whole house 1 day each week; so now I'm only cleaning a little bit every day. I used to have to hire a babysitter for a few hours every time I needed to clean simply because there was so much to do. But now, I'm able to keep most things cleaned up most of the time and it really makes me feel better.

Probably the most enjoyable thing I've learned through this process is the fact that God knows exactly what I want to get done and He helps me with it. I talk with Him each morning about my to-do list and I think He's teaching me how to prioritize my days. For example, mopping is on my list for today. I usually try to get my chores done in the morning. If I had tried to do that this morning, I would have become frustrated by the fact that my little helper wants to help with everything to the point of not really helping (let's face it, a 3 year old can't really handle a mop). But, I had an appointment this morning and didn't get back until lunch. Now, it's his naptime and as soon as he's in his bed I can focus on the mopping and do a good job of it. I love it when God writes my day for me. The best thing I've learned is the importance of getting up early--before the kids are awake. That way, I have time to shower and sit down and really talk with the Lord without distraction. It's really helped to boost my mood.

That's what I know for now. I'm learning more about myself each day; but I'm re-learning the importance of letting God be in control of even the small things...like cleaning the house.

Oh. My. Word!

So...here we are...2 YEARS LATER! I realize that I'm no good at this journaling thing. Although, it's fun to look at this and read something from 2 years ago. It's Labor Day weekend again. I'm expecting a baby again. My son really does love his baby SISTER a lot, and they get along fabulously. Gardening with them isn't so bad...and that's about the only stuff that's the same from 2 years ago. I'm a stay-home mom now, but it's a bigger job than we moms get credit for. There's a lot to "just" cooking and cleaning. It also includes (but is not limited to) cleaning the children, cleaning the toys, cleaning every room in the house, cooking meals for a growing number of people--consisting of food which will actually be eaten in a timely manner, dancing in the dining room by the stereo when the urge hits a little body, playing on the (hopefully clean) kitchen floor with Matchbox cars, playing hide and seek, making sure the toilets stay closed (particularly important when a favorite toy fits perfectly inside the toilet), showering every once in a while, supervising a snack time, doing laundry for a growing number of people on a regular basis, changing diapers and/or reminding someone to go to the potty whenever he/she needs to, doling out discipline in a LOVING manner whenever needed (although, this fluctuates each day), managing nap times, listening to my husband and supporting him in his work, and still making the time for my own reflection with the Lord. How working moms actually get any of that done is beyond me. They must be super women.

The next baby is due in 10 more weeks. I'm excited about it! I've been preparing the older 2 since we found out about this one and they're excited, too. I don't expect any problems with jealousy and I anticipate that he/she will fit right in. We still have lots to do before the new one gets here: new wood stove, carport, room in the basement. Although, honestly, 2 of those things could wait a little longer.

What do you know? It's time for supper. It's back to the kitchen for me!

Finally! Another holiday weekend!

Labor day weekend is the best time of year in Ligonier. It means more than an extra day off work. It means there will be something to do on that extra day. The marshmallow festival is this weekend every year. It's a wonderful excuse to see vintage baseball, see a parade, and just walk around an otherwise sleepy town just to see who you see. While growing up here, it was the only weekend all summer that anything fun happened in town. The promise of fun makes me want to get out my camera and capture my ever-changing little one in action!

The baby fever took a firm hold...then dissipated. I was to the point that I was a little apprehensive of getting pregnant knowing that a late spring baby would mean I would miss out on much of another summer. The post-partum depression from the first one, coupled with very little outside time for me means that I have no intention of missing another summer. Anyway, God has intervened. I was saying, "maybe not RIGHT now," but God has given a resounding "YES!" #2 is due on April 15th, 2010. I'm planning to go to the New Eden center again. At least this time I won't have moved in to a new house the day before! The growth of my family is overwhelmingly joyous for me! I have no idea what challenges lie ahead of me now. I imagine that Danny will be the perfect, loving, gentle brother. I can envision taking the both of them outside with me while I garden and having no problems. HA! It probably won't happen.

Fun times are calling and I'm done with work early. Love to all.

Wow. I don't write much anymore! Exactly one year from the last post: "Mommyness." Danny--he's our little boy--is sick. So, I saw a good deal more of last night than I particularly care to.

Things I've discovered: William Shatner is a very good author. Snot CAN continue to run ALL DAY! Post-partum depression is more recognizable for the victim when it's over. Friends are difficult to keep up with. Baby fever doesn't stop after you've had one. I hoped for a different "change." A new house doesn't come with the required repairmen... and "new" doesn't mean "perfect." It's even harder to lose baby weight. Your own child's laughing is the most contagious. Growing in the Lord is more painful and enjoyable than anything else. The same job can offer new crises every week.

Our Little Buddy will be 1 on June 1st. A year really can fly by. I've learned so much more than I can ever hope to write down. He's taught me so much about life and living. I try to enjoy the littler things. I try to take time to see everything from a different perspective. It's humbling to realize that another human being relies on you for everything from feeding to changing to teaching and playing. And it makes me feel important to know that Dan looks to ME for knowledge...at least for now. I finally know everything, but find that it feels a lot like nothing...

Hard at work

So, I'm here at work for another 3 weeks before maternity leave. I've been busy cleaning and writing a new office handbook so that I'll (hopefully) not be called 1,000,000,000 times a day with questions. Now that I have all of that done I can focus on meeting with all the volunteers to show them a few things and answer any questions they may have now.

We still need few things before the baby gets here within the next 1-5 weeks. For example, a relative gave us a bed, but we need a mattress. We also need a pad for the changing table and a few other items. I hit the town-wide garage sales last week and found more than $100 worth of clothes for around $15 all day. I think I did pretty good! Mom's focusing in on making diapers and crib sheets and fun things like that, so I won't have to worry about any of that.

We're still not in our new house, but it's almost finished. They'll be trenching for the electricity later this week, so it won't be long now. It's kind of a bummer that we'll be moving in at about the same time we'll be having the baby, but, it will be fine. Maybe it'll be better to have all the stress over with at once instead of going from one thing to the next.

In other news: The weather has cleared up and become beautiful! It's easier for me to get up in the morning and be happy. My brother graduates from college on May 17th. We're ALL very excited to go and watch and share that with him. Nobody knows if he has any solid plans for the summer, but he'll do something worthwhile. That's just the way he is. We love him lots!
I'm tired now and am fantasizing about a nap at home. I hope all is well with all of you...enjoy the weather!

Goal!

I finally reached my weight-loss goal of 18 pounds on October 2nd...exactly 10 months since starting my journey. 4 days later, a positive test told me I would have 9 months to gain 20 or more to have a healthy baby. Baby will be here sometime in late May or early June, and I'm having some difficulty gaining any weight. Not that I'm complaining or concerned, it's just interesting that I spent a good portion of my life rather portly, and when I finally got close to being "hot" I learned that it wouldn't last very long, and now there's hope for that near-hotness again! I know what it takes to lose the weight and nothing could motivate me more than the desire to avoid looking like I've had children when their visible presence attest to that fact just fine.

I have approximately 4 months to decide how long I'll be on maternity leave from work. Baby will be here at the beginning of summer, so it's not like it's the busy season or anything. And, there are plenty of volunteers here at the church if I feel like I can only handle 1 day a week. Or, I could just make the days shorter and leave Baby with mom for a few hours every day--she'd love it anyway! Or, maybe I could bring Baby with me for a while. I still have some time to discuss it with some of the other people here and get their input.

We have basement walls at the new place! It's snowing right now, so I'm not sure they're out there doing anything right now, but it's exciting to see things finally taking shape! This is going to be a good year!

Life training

I'm not really sure why I'm on here now. I don't really have anything profound to write. All kinds of thoughts are running through my head. Thoughts like: I wish I were at home reading my book. It's a real page-turner! I love watching it rain out the window. I daydream about the kitten I'll have some day. I also daydream about the baby. That's right, I said "baby." about 8 months to go before I meet one I've spent my whole life in training to properly influence and love. I've always known that I was meant to be a wife and mother. I got the "wife" part down pretty good starting just a little over one year ago, now I have just a little more time before I start the whole "mother" thing. I'm excited and scared at the same time. This is going to mean that I can't just get in the truck and go whenever I want to. It's going to mean that I'm no longer first. This is going to be the end of me and the beginning. Others will no longer see me, but they'll see the baby. Friends I haven't spoken to in (maybe) years will suddenly want to re-connect...especially those who have avoided me. A baby means that entertainment choices change. Am I cut out for it? I hope so. A baby doesn't go away...I hope. It's going to be harder to go to amusement parks for a while. It's going to be more difficult to sleep at night. But, a baby is easy to love - especially when you look forward to it for a lifetime. I think I'm ready...we'll see.

Newness

So...I got a new job...a long time ago! I've been the Administrative Assistant at a church 3 miles from home since August 1. I just realized that I made no mention of the new job. So far it's okay. I print the bulletins and make the monthly newsletters and answer the phone when it rings. And I get to be super-friendly. I'm good with it. Lots of things in my heart...love, joy, peace, fear, rage, and curiosity. I've lost 17.3 pounds since January2nd--not very fast, but it seems to be sticking. That puts me into a size 8/10...something that's never happened before. Love to all.

Mawidge

After almost a year of marriage, I find myself remembering some old relationships and near-relationships. Sophomore year of college:My first date was a set-up blind date just to say I'd been on a date. He was rather unwilling and didn't even pay (it was a double with my brother and his wife). Dinner was fine, but I never really heard from him afterwards. I almost dated friend#1 after that, but he decided it wasn't a good idea (wisdom on his part). Another near relationship with friend #2 just after that...he was "wife-shopping" that summer, but I was already dating my first boyfriend. Junior year of college: Boyfriend #1 turned out to be pretty bad news. He equaled family stress and a near-disaster. After I was through with him, I almost got with friend #3, but didn't. Went to the wedding of friend #2 with friend #1. Senior year of college: Boyfriend #2 was a mutual friend of mine and friend #3. He was even worse than boyfriend #1. Almost (again) got with friend #1. Summer after college: Back with boyfriend #1 for about 2 weeks...let's not go there. Met a wonderful man (friend #4) but not sure the feelings were mutual. Autumn after college: Gave the fate of friend #4 to God and met my Favorite Friend about two days later.

Here I am, almost 2 years after meeting my Favorite Friend. I'm sitting at my new job (after hours) just remembering everything. I was in friend #1's wedding last summer. I wonder how friend #3 and his new wife are doing. Not sure what boyfriends number 1&2 are up to--not sure I really care that much. Friend#4 is still in college and I wonder what he's up to now. Last I knew, he was having a great time in training for the ministry. It's amazing where God takes us...and where He lets us go without Him. All this came to mind because I was thanking Him again for rescuing me from the disasters that almost were with boyfriends 1&2. I think of what my life could be like right now and I'm so thankful for His faithfulness.

We hope to be breaking ground for the house by next month...we'll see. The Lord will be faithful in this adventure. We're seeking His Will and His Timing for this project. We're also seeking His Timing on a different adventure, but enough of that for now.

Day 2 of no job. Going to start working on website for my husband's new business as a Captain Jack Sparrow impersonator. He's been rather successful with this gig since September and we're starting to really get into it. We're hoping to buy a digital camera today to take with us to all our parties. One year ago tomorrow he asked me to be his wife...I said yes...fireworks ever since then. Lots of things on my heart. God, my family, the house, church, puppies. I'm excited to see what God will have us doing in the next year. I feel pulled in all kinds of directions, and I think I could do all of them very well, but they all take lots of time. I'll have to seek His will for me a little harder, I think. Many things to do now...will write later.

I did it. I gave my 2-week notice. My last day is June 29. I feel...less burdened. It's nice.

New house is getting a slow start. I wanna quit my job. When you begin to dread going and start counting down the hours when you walk in the door (and are constantly trying to avoid talking to the boss) it's a pretty good indication it's time to go. How do I quit without it getting personal? No, really, tell me.

Slight update

No longer at the second job...but it's a good thing. Where does the Lord want me? Not sure yet. Still at the first job. Gave my notice for the end of March, but the boss asked me to stay and offered more money...so, why leave? Have been looking at floor plans. This is both the most difficult and most fun thing yet. Struggling to find a balance between planning for the future and not spending more than is affordable. I know everyone says, "We can add that later." But do they? The answer is no. Either because they get all caught up in life and living, or because they can't afford it later. Mostly, it only rarely gets added. Am I rotten for wanting the best that money can buy? No. Everyone wants the best. And nobody wants to spend the rest of their lives paying for it. But, I would rather pay for a little while longer on a $30K debt than to spend a lifetime hearing "later." Anyway, nothing's been paid for yet and no papers are signed, so we're still safe...I'M still safe.

New things to ponder...

Life now is very different than it was only 5 months ago. Working at new job and preparing to quit the first while still holding out hope for the third. Do I use my degree? Every day. Do I get paid according to the use of my college education? Yes and no. My degree says that I am capable of managing people in an office or as a manager, but I don't have the neccessary experience yet. And really, let's all be honest here. A broad communication degree really only means that I "play well with others." What that really says is that I know how to stand up for myself professionally, am eager to please those in charge, and am skilled at hiding my true opinion when it doesn't really matter. Sounds great until you realize that those are basic skills for the observant. Bottom line, I still have to work somewhere.

On another topic completely unrelated: Have begun listening to a book on CD called, Captivating by John and Staci Elderidge. He also wrote Wild at Heart. I am loving this book! I've borrowed the first three CDs, but find that it's not enough and will have to actually purchase this book for myself. I've always had trouble finding words for the deeper things in my heart and was always positive that whatever I was feeling wouldn't make sense to others anyway. John and Staci have written down everything in my heart--often in perfect words. It comes highly recommended by me and I will probably make it a gift to more than one friend over the years.

On to other unrelated topics: My heart has been opened to the spiritual realm in a way that creeps others out. Not sure how to deal with the rejection of those close to me. I'm still learning alot about it myself--I don't know everything here--but when God shows me something, there's no doubt that it's Him.
I've begun experiencing severe mood swings...this makes life with me complicated and not always pleasant. I'm also down 5 pounds since the beginning of the year and have 13 more to go for my goal weight! I'm feeling good about that one.
I'm missing my friends from long ago. Well, I guess it wasn't really that long ago--1-2 years. Life will go on for all of us and I look forward to the changes to come.
Soon to be looking at floor plans for near-future new house! Very excited about that one!

In other news: The nephew is irresistable! Dean even picked him up! Shocked us all--Dean, too.

A very slight hint of spring is in the air...I know it's coming. Ready for it. Dreaming of family garden and yard work!

Life now

I got married. I went through with it. I said "yes" and he said "yes" and now we're married. No internet at home yet, but I manage. I love him. The whole "waking up" thing is pretty easy. We work out at the rec center together in the mornings, so I can't be too lazy. Will post more later...know that I am happier than ever!

14 days

2 weeks til the wedding--311 people invited--204 replied YES! Am I ready? Yes. Am I excited? Yes. Do I understand completely just how my life is going to be totally different? No. Do I know what's expected of me? No. Do I have expectations of him? Yes. Can I tell him? Not yet. My composure is something I struggle with maintaining. I would rather suffer for a while than make known my discomfort. I guess it's because I just want him to be happy. Maybe I just don't want to deal with uncomfortable situations with my husband-to-be. Before I got out of bed this morning, the realization that I'll be not only sleeping, but WAKING UP with another person finally became clear to me. I didn't realize how much I value my own personal space. I didn't fully realize either that I have two houses, but not a home yet. My personal property is in two locations now, but I don't feel like either one is "home". I think I'll miss channel surfing or watching stupid movies whenever I want to. I'm sure I'll love being married, but I never thought about the details of my life that will change. It dawned on me that I have no idea how he spends a large portion of his mornings. What would he think if he knew I stay in bed until 7:45 or 8:00, roll out of bed and into the shower, make something for breakfast, brush my teeth and dress in just enough time to run out the door and head to work at 9:30? I'm awake at around 7:15 every morning, I just don't get out of bed until I feel like it. Earlier if I have to go to the bathroom (but I still go back to bed until the alarm). I guess I'm lazy. My whole routine is going to change. But, I know his will, too. I don't think I'm struggling so much as I'm realizing new things every day. I love him. I don't really think I'll "miss" anything. I just want to be with him. And this ends my thoughts on the matter for today. My pillow is calling to me and I believe it's time for me to visit. Good night.

26 days to go

My life is about to change more completely in the next 26 days than it ever has before. I'd be lying if I said I'm not a little scared. I'm a woman who has been taught (and believe on my own) that "woman" was made for "man". I have, in essence, spent my whole life learning how to please a man--how to be a house-keeper and a cook and a laundress and (more recently) what is involved in being a lover. But, is my domestic schooling over? Now that I'm to be a wife, is the husband-getting finished? The answer is: no. The wedding day is not the end of a quest. I've read that brides often experience a let-down after the wedding. Not that they're disappointed...it stems more from the fact that they pour so much of their time, energy, and resources into one day that when it's over they find they have all kinds of time that they have no idea how to fill. And "entertainment" can only go on for so long. Some couples have filled their time with shopping trips, movies, beach visits, or sports. How will I fill my time? I have a later honeymoon planned, so what'll Dean and I do in the in-between? Likely, I'll crowd him. More likely, I'll FEEL like I've crowded him. I don't really have a hobby to speak of, and I like doing lots of things--just, not for too long. I'd like to read, but it makes me tired. I'd like to host a dinner party, but we won't have the space for awhile. I'd like to take pride in having a splendid, beautiful garden, but I'm too lazy for that. It all sounds ridiculous, but it's what's on my mind lately.

Dean has remodeled the master bathroom in his house. I didn't expect that. He loves me. That isn't what gave it away, but it showed me a different kind of love than I was really expecting. I expect him to love me and I know he's sweet, but it was just...more. He didn't have to do that for me to love him. He knew that, and he did it anyway. Just like how he doesn't have to get me flowers, but he does and I love it! I can't think of anyone on this earth I'd rather be with forever. And, in 26 more days, I'll be his wife. God's timing is impeccable.