Praise to the Lord!

"Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

"Praise to the Lord, Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"Praise to the Lord, Who hath fearfully, wondrously, made thee;
Health hath vouchsafed and, when heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
What need or grief ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

"Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him."


I adore You, Lord, for all Your ways.

Yeah

Opening concert last night. I felt connected and at-home. Pre-sold 15+ CDs. I'm starting to see what this singing career thing is all about, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to do it forever. It's not the money thing......it's more about being objectified. The only connection I have with anyone is the fact that they saw me in concert. This comes to mind today because more than one person wanted to carry on a conversation with me at the mall today.....people I don't recognize. Recognition was on their faces--the only thing I can think of is that they go to my church, or saw me in concert somewhere. I feel badly because I have no idea who they are or how they know me. THAT'S the part I don't like about the business. As soon as someone sees you in public they assume that you know who they are--even when you don't. I think the biggest problem for me is that I was expecting to join an already established group. What actually happened is that I joined 2 people already in a group and through the course of events we formed our own, seperate group. The work that I was expecting to be done when I began actually began a few weeks ago. I don't feel badly about moving home again, I feel badly because I think I'm disappointing the others. But how do explain my own disappointment without hurting anyone or being mean? If I need to come back, I will. Right now, I need to leave.

I move home in one week.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm still happy, but I'm tired, and a little sick, ready to move home, unusually ambitious toward fitness... But I realize that I still have two weeks here in the Haute. Two weeks! What can I do for Jesus in two weeks? All kinds of things! I can continue to show His love to those around me, continue in patience, begin walking regularly, and be always joyful--even through all the noise and sibling cruelty.

I'm also distracted. I'm still reading Elizabeth Elliot's book and I'm more convinced that everyone should read it--Quest for Love. She's showing me what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like and why. I have an amazing example in my parents, but this book helps me see how to start. As a woman devoted to God, I am supposed to wait. I knew this, but Elliot explains that the "why" is not just because I'm female, but also because when I take the initiative and make a move, I'm not ALLOWING things to happen, I'm MAKING them happen=not a good thing. If I weren't reading this book and constantly praying about a certain relationship, I may have ruined things by now. The book is helping me with my other relationships, too. I realize that in my own "quest for love" I shouldn't leave others out of my life. A man won't complete me or anyone else (it's not healthy to think so) so I need to keep up with my other friends and near-friends.

I can smell the winds of change coming my direction. I think the change will be a good one. I pray that God keeps my heart with Him--where it belongs!

Take me

"Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days--
Let them flow in ceaseless praise, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
"Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and bautiful for Thee, Swift and beautiful for Thee.
"Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee, Filled with messages from Thee.
"Take my silver and my gold--
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect and use
Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose, Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.
"Take my will and make it Thine--
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart--It is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne, It shall be Thy royal throne.
"Take my love--my Lord, I pour
At they feet its treasure store;
Take myself--and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee, Ever, only, all for Thee."

I love this song for so many reasons! I informed Mike of when I'm leaving, and I know he's disappointed. That makes me sad. God said "Go" and go I went. God's saying "go back home", and I'm running!

Whoops

My life seems to have completely changed during the time since my last posting. The group entered a singing contest in Tennessee and we won second place; the prize for which is radio exposure and promotion. This has changed me in that I now feel much more obligated than before to stay in Terre Haute and excel in this career.

My joy has been renewed! Camp did that for me these last two weeks. The lessons for the kids centered on God's Calling and I think I may have learned more for myself than what I taught.

I applied for a job as a teacher's assistant in a special needs classroom today. As far as I can tell, I have the job, but now I'm not entirely sure I want it. I really need the money and the benefits, but I'm not sure how ready I am to be with moderately challenged kids all day every day in a restricted environment. If there's one thing I've learned while living here, it's that proper discipline is hugely important to the proper development of all children.....and that becomes almost impossible when the child is autistic or has defects due to the mother's drug habit.

I called that other guy and told him I've found someone else......more or less. I have at least been reminded of how much I really am worth.

My joy was renewed, but has already slightly dwindled by the children today. I know it's bad when I can't even think of a song to sing until they're all upstairs in bed. Tomorrow is the first full day of school for them and I think the library and I have some catching up to do when the daddy gets home. I love my Lord so much and it hurts me the most when I can think of no joyous song to sing for Him. Perhaps tomorrow will be better?

Now?

I give up. Treasure doesn't hunt.....but it won't BE hunted if nobody knows where to find it! Church tomorrow. Food. Maybe a nap. No practice. Write a letter? The Daddy needs to stop yelling at everyone...it wears on my nerves. I'm tired. I miss my friends. I need to visit some people I know. If you read this, chances are pretty good we could be friends....I can get along with almost anyone. Now, it's time for some laundry. Good night, all!

Lonliness has become this overwhelming and all-encompassing part of my life. Not just romantic lonliness, but a desperate longing for someone close to my own age to "chill" with. The hope that I will make new friends here in the Haute is quickly dwindling. I thrive on the letters I get from home, but it really is not the same as sharing an understanding hug nor can it compare to a borrowed shoulder. I have begun reading Quest For Love again and it helps with the longings of my heart......helps, but does not vanquish the emptiness. I have heard it said that God can fulfill all of our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. If that is true, why did Adam need Eve? I'm not sure that there is a good answer to this question. All I know is that I'm an Eve who wants to be needed. Me and my men. Over the (few) years of my life I have had many crushes; but under them all there has been the desire for one man. Even though I made a deal with someone else for three years from now, I still hope that this other one will speak up. All I have to do is....wait.
I've been struggling lately with my feelings about God. I feel that I've been on my own for a while now. Maybe that's just because I stopped devotions. Maybe it's because I feel abandoned by fun. Maybe it's because the 2nd job I had lined up fell through. Maybe it's because I'm sneaking around my family......not telling them everything. Maybe it's because I'm where I never wanted to be. Maybe it's because I'm not jealous enough with my heart. Maybe I just need to snuggle with a puppy for a while? Maybe I just need to give up the control I so desperately long to have. I need to refocus on Jesus--you know, the important guy--and focus less on what's happening to me and around me. I think it's time I went for a walk to listen, not talk.

uh.....yeah

I think I may have made a mistake.

Who Knows?

Things here in the Haute are going better than they were. Having all five kids home all the time has been a stress, but we're working on a new routine with scheduled rehearsal time for the group and some days are better than others. I'll be house-sitting for some new friends next week and then I plan to go to Michigan with my family for a day to see my brother, Allen, compete in the Truck Rodeo in Lansing that weekend. Fun times are finally coming for Amanda......and still no paying job. Hmmmm........any of you know a good job opportunity in the greater Terre Haute area? I didn't think so.

Newness

Lots of new stuff....but at the same time, not new at all. I'm still me, I'm just in a new city with a new family and a new schedule. I get out of bed early in the morning (or not) sit around writing letters or watching TV unitl one of the kids comes home from Kindergarten and then hang out with him and have some kind of lunch and wait for his mom and brothers come home. Then we all just sit around and wait for dinner and then go to bed.

Not very eventful, but I'm always tired. The twins wake up in the middle of the night and scream for what seems like hours. I'm not used to children at all, so that's been the most difficult for me.

My music career debut was Sunday night. It was more or less spontaneous. We three got some positive comments, so I'm encouraged. We record in Michigan this weekend and then I go home for a couple weeks for the wedding and stuff. My brother won't live here for much longer....I'm sad, but I know he needs to go. God says "go" and ya gotta go.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss having a schedule. I miss knowing where I'll be going and what I'll be doing and when it'll happen. I miss alone time. I miss good sleep. I miss adult conversation. I miss not having a broken heart......he's with someone else. I miss the country. I miss living where people don't have a southern accent and have most of their teeth. I miss the feeling that God keeps me "in the loop." I miss knowing people in my area. I miss having friends close by.....I miss life.

I know I'm supposed to be here. I may not like it, but I'll stay until God says move on. I'm not positive about how He'll tell me, but I trust he'll make it obvious. I trust Him.

Fi-nal-ly!

Finally! I only have one more paper to write today and pack a few things to take home and I'm done with all of my undergraduate work forever! It's about time.

I also have only one more hour of Pride and Prejudice before I can justify starting over again. Lots going on in my mind and heart......I'll try to post later.

Class time

Another musing from class:

I hear the call of Death. Not a terrible death filled with horror, but a death which is beautiful beyond the description of any language. This Death may be found in the songs of birds and in a glance lovers share. This is a death which heralds new Life; Life to be found in the passage of time. Not a death of Joy--or Hope--but the death of Depravity and Hopelessness. This Death calls to me and I turn my face completely and reach toward his embrace of strange Love...the Love of Death.

It kinda sounds morbid, but it's sunny and pretty in my mind. School is ending (as I've written before) and I'm okay with it. Finally. This end is the Death of one chapter which must occur for the Birth of the next chapter to open. I'm okay with it. I'm excited. Now I must begin my love notes...

Almost over

I just finished writing a paper over 1000 pages of reading. I only have about 1500 pages more to read and write about and then I'll be totally done with all my projects before finals next week. I've been searching for a way to let all my closest friends know how much they mean to me, and I've finally come up with a solution! I'll keep you updated on that.

I'm sensing more often the bittersweet quality which only comes with the end of a school year. This is a different kind of sweetness because it's my last school year. I don't feel bitter at this end. What I feel is a beautiful mix of sweetness and anticipation and fear. The sweetness comes from the knowledge that I've acomplished something big; the anticipation is bred from questions about the future; the fear from knowing I'm leaving some of my closest and dearest friends.

What will I do when I can't just go upstairs or across campus to get a hug from a friend? What will happen to me when a phone call just isn't enough? Will they even miss me like I know I'll miss them? I find myself intensely interested in what my fellow seniors will be doing in the next year. I want to sit down with so many of them--even ones I've never been very close to--and just talking about their plans. I love to watch the way their eyes light up when they talk about this summer, or their wedding, or the job they got. This is the time when so much joy is found all around me, and though I know it can't last, I desperately wish it could.

Even with all this joy, I know that not everyone is gleefully anticipating the next few weeks. For these precious people I pray that they'll not be bitter in the midst of all the happiness. I have experienced true Joy and I have had a taste of the Joy to come. With this taste comes the burning passion to share the Joy. If you ask me, I'll share it.

I have a friend whose heart hurts and I'm not sure what to do. The human in me wants to fix it, but I fully realize that there's nothing I can do to open their eyes. In fact, their eyes ARE open, but they turn their face away from the truth for the lack of proof. They know they hold their eternal life in the balance and yet they go on denying the existance of my soul's lover. In effect, this friend calls me not a liar, but blindly ignorant with regard to all things eternal. Last night we talked and my friend asked me HOW I know my beliefs are true. I can't explain in a way they'll understand because our hearts are not in the same place. All I can do is live and love them the only way I know how--completely and with all my heart.

This I think is enough from the mind and heart of this almost-graduate. I hope all have a beautiful day and good luck with the end of the school year!

Opening Night

"Cinderella" went very well tonight, I was told. I went out with some of the cast afterward and I'm glad that I did. I've done that after the other shows I was in and I've had a different experience every time. Tonight was more fancy-free, but I felt much more responsible than I have before. I've matured so much in just the last two years that the person I was three years ago very nearly annoys me. I look back and what I see is a girl who desperately wanted to be in a relationship with anyone who would ask......if only they would ask. Now that I've been in two and broke both of them off for lists of reasons I can see that I only need Jesus. I want a man--but I need Jesus.

I got several comments regarding my post about the man I love. Given the nature of our relationship (and the fact that we've been very good friends for quite some time) I know that telling him how I feel is not yet the right course of action. I really do want to tell him, but I'm not about to throw myself at a man. Maybe it's pride, but it's more likely that I'm just waiting for him to make up his mind about me and get a job. And I don't want to put him in a position where he may be faced with perhaps ending communication with me after graduation. I'm going to give him a chance to say something to me about his feelings and then I'll speak up. If he wants to do the DTR (Define The Relationship) thing, I'm gonna make him go first--and then I'll be honest.

So, this was a good day. My picture's in the local paper for the play. More some other time.

It's finally here!

Senioritis has finally arrived--and in full force. I want to spend all of next week doing as much work as I can so that I have as much time to play as possible. Will it happen? We'll see.

In other news: I'm working on something big. I'm going to try to put down in words my feelings about college and stuff. We'll see how that goes too.

Babbling

I'll just babble for a while....we'll see what happens.

I've finally been able to seriously think about the future and all that it entails. I've been at this Christian College for four years now and I've only recently fully realized that I won't be here forever. Up til now it always felt like forever, but now I've noticed that I'm leaving all the people that I've grown to love over these last years. I've learned that there can never be enough time in the world for me to get tired of some of them and I've also learned that I've missed out on lots of time with some really wonderful people.

I've also finally accepted my feelings. I know I said this is "rated R" but this is a topic which is going to need some delicacy. Love has always been something that I have struggled with understanding, and though I still struggle, I have learned to accept that I love one man. Knowing that I love him and would immediately agree to marry him (if only he would ask) I also realize that it's not fair for me to actually wait for him without him asking me to. Is it? I can never feel about another the way I feel about him, and I shouldn't try. The attempt would fail and it wouldn't be fair to him or the new man or myself to even try to repeat it. The attempt would mean that I would be looking for another to fill his spot in my heart instead of just making a new spot for someone else. This man has my heart as much as any man can (unless God introduces me to someone I don't even know yet) and he will always have that spot because it's his to have. I can't have given it to him only to take it back and give the same part again. I can't forget about him and pretend that I don't love him. It just isn't fair.

In the last four years, I've also learned to accept my other feelings as a part of life. Another quote from my class musings: "Emotions are given in order to be felt--and shared--not squashed and hidden." God did not give me feelings so that I may hide them; He gave them to me to share my friends' burdens and joys and to experience Life as much as I can.

What is Life? Life is a piece of God. Everything that breathes and moves and experiences anything has Life given by God. Even the earth sings praise to God with every ocean wave and every snowflake and every blade of grass and every rock and every speck of dust. Everywhere I look I not only see God, but I feel Him and He is very near my heart. Birds don't look around to see who is listening before they sing.........they unashamedly sing as loudly as they can because they know that God is listening. (Whether or not they consciously know is not the point.) I, too want to cry out to God in the most joyous of songs and not feel ashamed; but I often do feel ashamed. Sometimes I concentrate so hard on doing things to please Him that I completely miss the unspeakable joy of just knowing He's present.

One last thing I wrote in class last Monday: "All creation holds its breath in beautiful, silent, and awful anticipation of the complete, unquestioned show of God's imcomparable power, judgement, and love." It's kind of a mouthful, but I like it.

I will here conclude this adventure into my mind. I may not be brilliant, but at least I know it.

A poetic line

Only in our darkest dreams and most dreadful nightmares are found those things we fear to desire. It is not the monsters of sleep which frighten me, but the essence of their very existence.

I've recently discovered that I think in emotion--not words. That's why it takes me so long to think of something coherent to share......I have to translate everything from the language of my personal being into a language others can understand. When I can't properly translate this heart-language, I become frustrated along with my listener as they often misunderstand my deeper meanings.

I desire to find one with whom my heart may converse openly and freely with little translation needed. I have already found one who is close to helping me fully realize this hope, but he does not know these deeper longings abide in my heart. I have finally realized that these hopes for him refuse to be denied (I have tried for too long to squash them) but it is not for me to share them with him. I am the treasure......treasure is not made for hunting, but to be hunted. I wish he would hunt.

God, you know my every hope and desire more fully than I could ever feel them. I give this man to You along with my own heart. Lead me, Lord. My will is Yours.

Me!

Nothing, really

I don't have anything super profound today. Lots of stuff is changing. I wish it were all over but would last forever. How do I tell someone that I'm not interested in them.....but their friend? Am I really interested, or do I just realize that things are changing and want security?

Something new was suggested to me yesterday that I need to look into: the Transitions to Teaching class. I could come back here next fall and take this 18 hour class and get my teaching degree and have things like.....benefits, health insurance, marketability. All of these are good things. AND the person who gave the advice also offered to let me stay with her! Exciting stuff. I'm definitely going to examine THAT possibility! Of course, I won't NEED to do that if I could only find a good man! Hmm.....I should get working on that! (I'm really just kidding.)

I like it when I get comments. Sometimes when I read the "anonymous" ones I try to imagine who left them. It's kinda weird to think that people whom I've never met are reading my stuff. I like it, though. It's wild.