What what?

So, in class today I was writing in my journal of sorts and wrote down a poem that I began last night when I couldn't sleep again. Disclaimer: This is only the very rough first copy and aimed at nobody in particular.

My love for you is as sure as that the ocean will touch the shore.
I love you more deeply than the words of Eros could describe.
The affection I hold for you is such that I lay awake at night to simply marvel at your existence.
I desire you as an artist desires a muse.
My promise to you is as that of a child who promises untold potential.
I trust you as an innocent trusts that the rain will come.
I love you as softly as the beat of a baby's heart in the throes of peaceful sleep.
My love for you is as pure as the red in the bow of God's after-the-rain promise.
...Even as I love you, know that Christ loves you infinitely more!
His love is MORE sure than the phases of the moon! For even the moon obeys His command!
His love reaches more deeply than temptation can ever reach!
His love for you is more truly blue than all the shades of the sky can ever hope to represent!
He desires your heart as a lover desires the heart of his beloved!
I love you, but I cannot see your heart.....Christ sees your black heart and loves you still! Though I love you for who you are and who you will be, Christ loves even who you were. For all that I love you, my love cannot compare with that of the soul's perfect lover--Christ.

And that's it, folks. That is basically what I wrote today in my early class during a moment of inspiration. What did I think about today? I thought about: how tired I am, how sick I feel, how much I like to have spare time and how little I really have, how stressed I am over my classes and unfinished projects, how much I need to go to the rec center, how much I love my friends, how I find Festival Chorus is supposed to consume more of my life than it does, how I actually like being a TA, how frustrated I can get over silly things in the classroom, how I wish I knew more about being a good stage-manager, and many other things which were clouded over due to my lack of good sleep.
I also thought about trust. Am I really willing to trust others? Can I trust others with even my heart anymore? I'm sure I can, but I think that I need to temper that trust with at least understanding that people are not perfect and I need to be ready to forgive the hurts that are sure to come...

Love?

I am a woman in love. Not with things of this world, or people. I am not in love with those things which women usually fall in love with—puppies, children, men. I am not in love with the past, or the future. I am a woman in love with the now. Everywhere I look I can see my God’s handiwork and I am in love with how much He has shown me. I see the leaves change color on the trees, I see the special look in his eye, I see how much my family loves me….but none of that can compare with the simple miracle that I see.

I am a woman in love. I do not love that which is not nor do I love what has been. I love the infinite possibilities God holds in a solitary moment. God knows everything. Not only what will be, but He knows every possibility for what could happen for every available choice. If I go left, He knows all the avenues of choice that decision will open. If I go right, He still knows what the future holds. He also knows the choice that I will make and every opportunity which will open because of that decision. I am in love with God’s power, His grace, and His love.

I am a woman in love with her savior. Even though I turn my back on Him at some point every day, and days may go by without even talking to Him, He still loves me with an infinite love. I just sit back and watch His creations interact and go their own ways, and I know that He loves them too. Every time a little squirrel runs across my path to bury a nut, I know that God watches him and tells him where to bury it. I also know that God will remind him where it is later. If God tells even a squirrel where his food is hidden, what has He to tell me? How could I not be in love with a God like that?

The terrible twos

Wednesday was the most beautiful day of my life thus far. I woke up at 6:00am and walked out the door at 6:25am. Upon stepping outside with my friend, I was awed at the most beautiful birthday morning in my memory. It was gently raining and the air smelled of autumn; I knew it was destined to be a wonderful day. My work-out went very well and as my friend and I left the Rec center I felt happy and carefree. The day progressively got better as I went about all my daily duties and actually got to take a nap! Then I got ready for the big night out with my friends. Because they love me, they all dressed up very nicely and rented an "Amish Van" and took me out to Olive Garden for supper and fun. There were only a few hitches in the evening but not anything I would even write home about anymore. It's wonderful to be 22...

My promise of nun-hood is over, but I find myself still waiting. I am waiting for the next step, although not patiently. What should I do with myself? What should I do with him? There are so many questions floating around in my brain that I can hardly concentrate on anything else. I feel that I have found one who can understand my thoughts without my ever having to say them out loud. I feel as though I am truly respected by one of the opposite sex. Not like before... I feel as if I could be content to watch the clouds go by slowly with him, never saying a word yet communicating on a plane I never knew existed before. But the best part is that I feel. I feel. Something I am largely unfamiliar with is suddenly visiting me very clearly. I have begun to truly feel the presence of Christ in my life. But why? Is it because of him? Is it because I took time out of myself to search for Christ in my heart? Do I feel all of this now because I want to; am I making it up? I guess only time will tell.

In other news, I am way psyched about wedding dress shopping with my friend this weekend. And, it's fall break! I only shared a little of what's in my brain today. I feel that more will come later...

Oops

Well, sometimes people surprise us again. "What's going on?" you ask. I'll tell you. The reason it hurts so much when friends are mean is because they know how to hurt us the deepest. And, being our friend, they should feel badly when they hurt us. But the deepest hurt anyone can do is to just not care that they hurt another. Even Judas was a friend. He felt so badly at betraying his friend that he killed himself. You may say that that's biblically inaccurate, but the last time I checked, the Bible didn't have any of Judas' motives in there, so I'm just going to speculate. He knew that no amount of apologizing could fix what he had done, so he killed himself. Anyway, this is not about Judas. It's not really about anyone specifically. It could be, but it isn't. This is merely an observation which was brought to my attention recently.

Just because I don't look like a trophy, that doesn't mean I don't want to be treated like one.
Just because I don't write you letters, that doesn't mean I don't like getting them.
Just because I call on the name of Jesus that doesn't mean that I don't need you too.
Just because I read people, that doesn't mean I want to be read.
Just because I would rather follow you, that doesn't mean I don't have opinions of my own.
Just because I love you, that doesn't mean that I demand you love me back.

What is it about people that they often demand from others what they themselves are not willing to do? Is it because we're all given different gifts and to expect me to have the same ones as the next person is rediculous, or is it something else? Do I expect those around me to be nice to each other because I try to be, or is it just because it's expected by society? Why is it that I find Tuesdays so difficult? Why is it that I'm starting to feel smothered again? Why is it that time is moving too fast too slowly? Why is it that I can never actually coherently put down all my thoughts?

What is this?

New beginnings. A new month, a new project, a newly flowering friendship, a new outlook, a new desire......all things are made new through Christ who strengthens me. How did it get to this point? What has caused these new wishes in my heart? Are the wishes really new, or have they always been there and I've just now learned how to see them? What will become of this? What will become of me? What would Christ have me do? What will my family say? When will they ever come to see me again? My parents are only 40 minutes from here but can never find the time to visit. Why is it that I must always go to them? Why can they not come to me? Am I that hard to find? When will I ever be good enough? Why do the questions never stop?

What am I to do? Do I only think that I feel the way I think I do? Listening to my feelings is still new to me. I don't ask much for myself in this life and I wonder if I have found it. I have been praying about this nearly constantly for the last few weeks and I have grown weary of the wait for an answer. My mask has begun to fall off in front of others; I never fully realized how much energy it takes to keep it on. More than once today friends pointed out that I seem different...more reserved and quietly calm. I cannot help but feel that something is yet missing, but I don't know how to find the missing piece. Do I feel these things because of the weather, the upcoming wedding, life's stress, or is it real? I don't know. I do know what I want the answer to be, but honestly I don't know what it really is. I think I'm over-analyzing again.

My new prayer is that my parents can see the heart that I have seen. I pray also that we have the strength to accept the decision of my Tower Guards. I want so desperately to spare the both of us any hurt that I fear I may be passing up something truly wonderful. Will I ever be able to begin again? I hope that I can, and I hope that it works this time.....if this time is permitted. I'm trying not to become so attached to the hope that this beginning brings, so that if it is not approved it will not be such a heart ache and tragedy. But I already know that so much of myself is invested that were it not to gain approval I would retreat again at least temporarily.

I find myself unable to do work of any real quality. I sit and I read, but I don't care for the words on the pages. I stand and stare out the window for what seems like hours at a time and see nothing. I listen to music, but I don't hear the notes or words. I have never felt like this before. This is so foreign to my being that I hardly know what to do with myself. I want to be held so as to make the world disappear and to be spoken to as if there were no other woman alive. I long for so many things that I wonder if my desires do not cloud my judgement. I know what he says, but how can I know if he truly means them except that he says he does. I trust him. But what if the Guards do not? I must surrender myself to the will of my Guards. To disobey them would surely be disasterous. Perhaps they would be speaking the otherwise unspoken will of God? I want this to work this time and I know that it will not if the Grandparents of my children do not approve. Or, what if it is my Tower's Guards that make me to feel as if I belong in a room, oppressed and afraid of the light? Perhaps it is they who make me to feel as though I am smothered by the weight of the world? They love me. They know that I belong to God more than to them. How can I break free of my Tower's chains but retain the Guards as close friends? God, I can't do this anymore. I'm just going to let You take over from here.

I have begun to ramble and I'm afraid I have shared too much. Wow, it's really cheesey and poetic too. What can I say? I warned you that it was me--rated R.

Joy

Last weekend Reverie smiled the smile of pure and complete joy for another...her brother is getting married.

The little girl

The "real me" has a name now. Her name is Reverie. Yes, Reverie because that's what she is...a daydream.
Reverie sits in the dark waiting to be rescued. Many people walk by her in the incompletely dark room and never see her cowering in the corner. A few people have stopped to ask her questions, but none have been true enough to their unspoken promise of friendship. Reverie answered their questions and even looked to them for hope, but inevitably they all turned away and continued on their own journeys. We found her still sitting and waiting. She wonders, "When my tears finally stop, will my heart be forever broken? I have had friends before and they merely got what they wanted and continued on their way. Will my heart harden against all hope of ever being rescued?" She sits and waits...and waits...and waits. She finally realized that Christ has been with her in the dark this whole time. They begin to talk and months go by. May turns into June, and so on until today. Reverie remembers that Christ has made many friends who also have turned from Him. He reminds her that He even died for those who never knew Him. Even while they are talking, Reverie sees a hand reaching into the darkness of her small room. Dare she take the hand? There is the chance that the hand will draw back and refuse to grasp hers in return. Reverie looks again to Christ. He is standing next to the mysterious hand with His own extended to help her off the floor. The owner of the hand tells her that she must get beyond what has happened before in order to experience what is yet to come. Inside, Reverie knows he is right, but she also knows that the others said the same thing, "Move on." She wants to grasp the hand and hold on tight for she feels that here is one who may understand what she feels and wants. But what is she to do right now?

Reverie is now standing at the door of her room and is peering out at the world. She is no longer merely a child, but a woman. A full grown woman on the threshold of life. She looks out the doorway and sees someone standing not far away. In order to get to him, she must come out of the dark entirely and look to the future and not the past or the present. She's not ready. Christ has not yet given her permission to move on. I predict that Reverie will continue to sit with Christ alone for a while yet. How long has yet to be determined, but I feel she will step into the light with Christ and move to take the mysterious outstretched hand...

Another twist in this thing called life

Sometimes life surprises you and then sometimes friends surprise you too. I'll be blunt: I know you two are dating.....I'm not stupid. When were you planning to tell me?

Sometimes when I feel down, Lord
and clouds are all I see
my heart begins to question
all Your faithfulness to me.
That's when, dear Lord remind me
though it's hard to understand
that, Lord, You are the potter
I'm just a vessel in Your hands.

~First verse

I can feel change on the horizon, but I cannot yet tell if it's good or bad. I feel like I want to crawl into a hole and make the world disappear. I feel like I want to abandon all reason and let the wind direct my path. I feel like I want to feel love again but I'm afraid to try......I always end up hurt or hurting others. I get so caught up in the magic of autumn that I'm not sure what I really feel.

God,
I know that You're there to help me through everything, but I can't see You. Save me from myself....

A little glimpse

I've been sitting here for the last hour trying to do my homework and failing miserably. My mind is such a mess of things not even directly school related that I cannot focus on those things which are. A friend asked me the other night who the "real me" is. I've spent some more time pondering the question and I now have a more complete answer.

The real me is much like a child waiting in the incomplete dark for someone to rescue her. Allow me to elaborate. I am a child because of my trusting nature and innocence in delightful things. I'm very easily amused, but not simple minded. I take joy in the smallest of pleasures. The dark is incomplete because Jesus is my light. I need to be rescued; I need to be loved; I need to be needed. I often feel much like the distressed damsel in fairytales. I used the analogy of being in a tower and nobody is able to slay the dragon. Sometimes I just want to scream and let someone else take over everything for me; sometimes I want only to escape the life that I have lived and begin anew. My soul cries out to Jesus to save me from my troubles, but I know that the troubles are supposed to bring me to him. Without the troubles, I would see no reason to need him at all. I often experience feelings that I cannot describe but to say I need rescuing.

The real me wants only to sit back and watch others enjoy their lives and get excited but at other times is so jealous that she is not able to enjoy the same pleasures. I confess I want to fall madly in love with a hero of sorts. One who will be my bodyguard; able to defend me against anyone. I want a man who will see no woman but me, just as he will be the only man alive. I want a man who puts no desire higher than doing the will of God. When a man abandons God's will for what he wants, he shows that he is truly weak. I want no weak man......he wouldn't be able to handle me! I need a man who can tell me "no" in a way that is not devestating. I need a man capable of helping me raise our children.

The real me has hidden for so long that I don't know if she'll ever come out again. She stuck her face out of the dark once and the rebuke for doing so was so harsh that she didn't try it again for a year. The next time she attempted such a thing, she was coaxed out and then betrayed. The real me has been in hiding for quite some time now. But, she made a friend once who can kick her without ever entering the darkness with her. The real me is still crying in the dark after the attack which never seems to end. The real me longs for a heart to share her pain and lighten the load she bears up in her own personal hell.

This has been merely a glimpse into the true nature of my heart. Here I lay, in the dark, vulnerable and open-hearted. I lay here.....crying......needing to be saved and finding none capable.

Journal entry January 2004

What does it mean to completely belong to God? It means, in essence, to give up my very life in order to dedicate it to Him and to do whatever He may ask without hesitation. Should God call me to stay here a while longer but never graduate, I must do it. Should God ask me to work extra hard to graduate early and move to a foriegn country to live and work for Him I must neither question Him nor hesitate to begin at once to carry out His desire.

To be completely God's means that I no longer have a desire to be apart from Him or His will. To stray would be worse than death. To want for myself that which God hs given to others is not noble or trusting.

If I completely belong to the Creator of all things, I worry for nonthing but trust God with everything. My heart, my mind, my body, my soul, all belong to Him alone.

Imust not live my life as if I am waithing for God to bring to me a mate. I am not waiting and wasting my life with the--perhaps--vain hope that God hsses me worthy to help another human being as only a wife can.

What does it mean to be completely His? To worry for nothing, to trust wholly, and toe live only for God and His will in my life.

God, I desire only what You have for me. Let my every adtion be to You and for You. Lord, I give myself to You so completely so as to trust You only for my every need and to know that You love me so much that you died for even me. To You alone I commit my life.

Another surprise on the road to life

And I thought things were going so well. I had finally reached a point where I was semi-content with only my savior and then things got more complicated. Honestly, I don't know exactly what I want and if I did, there would also be a name and a face with it. I thought I knew who I would marry when I was a freshman in college and then there was a different guy for a portion of my junior year. And now...now there's someone else who may stand at least half a chance. I was a terrible flirt last night and things nearly got out of hand for just a friendship type of relationship. The short of the story is that I'm not sure what to do. I'm waiting for him to lead out with a fabulous idea, and I'm beginning to fear that I'll be waiting so long I'll be tempted to come up with my own less fabulous idea. Things were so great last night, but today things are different. I feel like I've offended him in some way, but he won't tell me. I didn't ask either.

Anyway, I think I needed more hugs today. I was kinda down today; there's a lot on my mind about all kinds of stuff. I officially have one less friend than before because of something stupid. She's immature and I don't want to deal with her anymore. I no longer care. The day started so well...

What's the deal anyway?

Sometimes in life we come upon questions which demand answers. Questions like, "So, what do you plan to do with your degree after graduation?" Well, I hadn't really put the question into those terms until I heard it worded just like that yesterday. The realization hit me like an epiphany of loss must come to one who immediately upon death is faced with an eternity in hell. I'm going to have a degree. Not just any degree, but one in Communications. If any degree says I should be able to help people really talk to each other, this one does. A Communications degree nearly screams that supposedly I know how to listen to what people MEAN, not what they SAY. But, do I really? Am I really capable of helping people through tough times just by expaining what others really mean, or by just presenting the absent party's probable side of any story? I think I am. I believe that the most logical place to put this into use is in the ministry. For the last year I've felt that God may be preparing me for the role of pastor's wife. I've never really felt an attachment to a church and I've seen first hand what a lack of open communication does to the people who attend a congregational setting together. Church is one of the worst places to talk openly unless there are ground rules first. Theorhetically church is a safe place to share openly, but I've discovered this only works well if everyone agrees on everything, or if it's a very small group. I feel I have the gift of helping people transition from one pastor to another. I think this gift would come in handy if I were moving from to church to church. Plus, I can get along with almost anyone. The wife of a pastor should be able to fully back her husband's sermon without offending anyone and boy do I know how to strategically use tact when neccessary. I've discovered that there's a time for tact and a time for frankness. Not everyone can recognize the need for either at specific times but I know that if there's an elephant in the room it's better to address the issue early on rather than after everyone has covered up the scar so well that the damage is almost impossible to repair.
The question still remains: What do I plan to do with my degree? God hasn't shown me yet.

Hmmm

Why is it that we often feel like we have to be someone different depending on who we're with? Why can't we always be just as we want to be regardless of who's around? I find myself more often thinking about how others will react to whatever I say. Many times, that's what convinces me to say or not to say what I'm thinking. I've decided that I'm somewhat of a show-off when it comes to being shocking. Frequently I say things just to see what reaction I'll get. I'm sure that's not healthy. This is the place that I go to be real. I don't have everything figured out, but I'm working on it. I don't really know what kind of a man I'll end up with, but I do know what kind of man I don't want. I also know that no man is going to complete me and therefore I don't spend every waking moment concentrating on getting one. Besides, as a woman, I want to be persued; I've not been designed to persue. I am a treasure to be sought, I shouldn't go treasure hunting myself. The treasure that I offer is by no means temporary. I don't want to wake up to a different face every morning, I want someone who will be consistant and will never stop loving me for not only who I am, but who I will become. But am I capable of offering all that I myself desire? I know that I am. I want nothing more out of life on this earth than to please my creator. I'm still working on how to do that, but I'm sure it cannot be done by fretting over who I'll marry and have children with.
Sometimes I wonder if I live in a world of make-believe. The man in my head and reality don't match. The little red-head twin boys that I see in my dreams may always be just that: dreams. What I'm trying to do now is to just give over all my desires to God. It was easier to do that during the summer when nobody available was around. Now that I'm back at school and it seems like interesting men are coming out of the woodwork, I'm finding it much more difficult to concentrate on Godly things. Bottom line..........I need Jesus to take over more completely which means that I have to fully allow Him to. But how do I convince my heart to stop desiring? I shouldn't. The heart is an amazing tool used for all sorts of things besides love. Compassion, understanding, and sensitivity all come from the heart. I want nothing more than to allow God to work incredible works through me with no help at all from me. Just give it up.
I'm not making any sense anymore. Hopefully I'll find the answers to my many unspoken questions soon.

Not so fun...

I went home yesterday. Life really does surprise you sometimes. I thought those at home would be thrilled to see me after two weeks of absence. They weren't. They were caught up in how others are making them feel. I don't wanna talk about it anymore. The whole thing is stupid and it does no good to continue to talk about it if it's stupid anyway.

Do you really think I'd hurt you?
Twilight comes and goes without your notice.
I walk by and you don't even blink an eye or turn your head.
What have I done to deserve being excluded from your life?
How can you look into my eyes and tell me that you care?
After all that we've been, and done, and looked forward to?
How could you leave me and move on so quickly?
Sometimes you forget that I can see through your eyes to your soul...I see what you think.
I see what you feel. The windows are so clear and your soul is so confused.
I don't know who hurt you before, and I don't know how or why, but I'm not her.
I'm not even like her. I'm genuine. I'm true.
...But why do I care? I'm not in love with you, I don't spend every moment with you in my
thoughts.
I care because we're more than just friends, but far less than lovers.
We may not be kindred, but we've shared experiences.
Why is it that when I make you face your demons you turn away?
What are you hiding?......Why are you hiding it from me?

Fun times in Amandaland! Sometimes my thoughts make no sense. I kinda feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't really belong at home because I'm old enough to live on my own and the parents are closed to quite a few things. I don't belong at school because, well, I'm different than your average "see and do everything" college student. I don't really belong in the real world because I'm too sensitive. I feel almost like I've outlived everyone that meant anything to me. I'm sure it's just a phase (I have plenty of friends here at college) but I'm having trouble breaking out of it. I've begun to have trouble trusting people, but it's only because I've always been so trusting. I trust that others have some decency, but it's not always true. Have I always kept every secret told to me in confidence? The answer is no. Have I recently? Yes. Do I ever come right out and give the "I know something you don't know" vibe? I try not to and I never just volunteer information.Why is it that only my younger brother knows about this site so far? Because I feel that he's the only one who is truly trustworthy at this point. I know that he desires to know the real me and not just the me I let everyone else see. The me that I show everyone else is the one who is logical and thoughtful and educated and like a stone. Not many people know the real me is sensitive and emotional and innocent and child-like. Not many know that my low self esteem is what truly led me to believe that the only thing I am worthy of desiring is a Christian man who loves me. I truly believed that that is all I need. It never crossed my mind that I may be worth a scientist, or a doctor, or a lawyer. I'm not trophy-wife material. I'm a cheap date. I don't require high class cuisine or frequent black-tie occasions, but it doesn't mean that I wouldn't enjoy them every now and then. Just because I don't require something doesn't mean that I wouldn't welcome the opportunity to be wooed in the classic fairy tale style.Anyway. My life is such a jumble right now that I'm not sure it'll ever get better, but it could just be because I'm not letting God take care of things. Lord, bring me back to You...

Fun times will be had by all...

Something that I said to a friend yesterday became true today. His girlfriend really had been avoiding the issue of dating. I told him that she was trying to get out of a date with him, and I was right. The interesting and sad part is that he and I almost dated over the summer. I say almost because he was very close to recieving my permission and he decided that he would rather be with this other girl instead. I was okay with it after a while, but now I find him single again. What do I do? I could be the supportive friend and remind him that God has some interesting and useful plan in all of this, or I could be the gold-digger friend who tries to remind him that she exists and may still be interested. But am I really interested? I don't know. Until I do know I think I'll just stick with being the supportive friend. Besides...I'm dating only Jesus at least until the middle of October. We had open dorms here at college tonight. I played some cards and watched a movie with some friends of mine in my room. We had fun times.
God was so amazing again today. I went to a class to finish up a credit for my cross-cultural experience and shared about my trip to Utah. I think the class enjoyed it and I think I covered all the relevant aspects of the trip. Sometimes the awesome power of God is presented in unexpected ways. I have yet to see the fruit of the seeds I planted while in Utah, and I have yet to look forward to what God has planned for the rest of my life. I'm sure that fun times will be had by all...

Life's surprises...

Sometimes God surprises us with life. We may get that dream job, or we may meet "the one." Or...we may not. Life is full of the unexpected. Or is it? Is anything truly completely unexpected? Yes. We don't always expect our loved ones to die suddenly, or to be attacked. We usually don't expect him/her to like us back. We never think that discipline is in order. We always picture the way things are going to be and then we're disappointed when they don't turn out that way. This is not a place to attack others or what they believe. This is the place where I can be totally myself with no pressure to be something else so that others will approve. This is me--uncensored........one friend calls things of this nature "rated R". There will be no mask here. What you read is what you get.