Update

I won't be singing with Heartcry anymore after April. They took it better than I had anticipated. I won't be in Terre Haute for all of Jan-Mar. Still with the boyfriend...no longer dreaming about anyone else. So far, our gifts seem to blend well. We're teetering on the line between close and too close emotionally. I don't need to know all of his dark secrets (nor he mine) but we both feel compelled to share these. The sharing isn't the bad thing--it's the reason we would. I would share my whole heart with him in an effort to draw him closer to me and form more of a bond. Even doing this in the right setting with the same motive wouldn't be a bad thing. How do we fight this? Focusing on the day to day has helped me to stay somewhat emotionally independant from him. However, doing that also leaves me a little uncertain of myself and our relationship. We have a really great thing going and neither of us wants to ruin it. (There's a lot to be said for God-given self control.) He has a wonderful accountability set--his close friend/pastor. I don't. It's better for an accountability person to be someone who's not related because family didn't choose you, but friends do. I'm related to my close friend now and if I were to ask her to help me in this area I may also be asking her to keep secrets from her husband/my brother. I can't do that. So, that leaves me with the issue of having nobody to really open up to and share with. I don't want anyone to "fix it" or give me suggestions on how to do so myself, I just need someone to listen to me and make me feel like what I have to say is important--and not share it with anyone else!
So here is where I stand: trying to squash my emotions to protect my heart and feeling guilty for doing so. All my life I've been told I'm "too sensitive." It's my sensitivity that makes me so forgiving and compassionate. When someone gets angry with me I feel worse for having hurt them enough to yell at me than the fact that they're yelling. Anyway. I have no idea what the new year holds. All I know for sure is that God will love me through it and I will find joy in that fact. I won't be rich, but I'll have less debt. Sometimes the things of the heart take time to make sense. Right now, I'm happy with where I am.

Learning a few things about myself this weekend in Terre Haute. Handing in my notice tomorrow. More to come later.

Confusion

I've reached the point of confusion. I can't seem to distinguish God's voice from the other voices. I've never had this problem this badly before. My dreams show me that I'm with the wrong man. I dream about the other desire of my heart...not my boyfriend. I feel a deeper happiness in my dreams about the younger one, but in dreams about the older one I feel inadequacy. He doesn't want to become attached to me if there comes a time when God wants us to end our relationship. I don't operate that way. Now I'm confused about the whole thing. If ever I needed your prayers, it's now.

The time has come

Snow time has arrived for good, I think. My opinion of snow is that it's very pretty to look at and to watch fall, but the cold it takes to get any is just not worth it to me. I'm not a big fan of cold. Although, the cold weather reminds me to fully appreciate the hot weather when it comes. Lots going on in my head. I'm just trying to take things one day at a time...how can I plan ahead that way? It's difficult to work around the schedules of others if you take things one day at a time. Sigh.

The winds of change

The winds of change are moving again. In my life, I have come to many crossroads. Whether or not to follow Christ's example; to sing or not to sing; which degree; marriage or no-thanks; camp Mack or elsewhere; Wawaka or somewhere new? Well, I haven't regretted any of my decisions thus far. Especially when it comes to following Christ. That's the best decision I've ever made and I'm thankful that He helped me with it. It's not easy to love Him, but it is. How could I not love someone who died for me? My whole being cries out desperately for more of Him than I could ever hope to experience this side of heaven. Most of my struggle with this heavenly relationship has come out of allowing Him to love me. Love is a strange animal. Though my experience with it thus far is limited, I know it to be something which has not one definition but many. Love is: wonderful and terrible. It has the power to bring together and tear apart. It births Violent Jealousy, Innocent Admiration, and Distant Respect. Love is complicated and wildly simple. Love is...a contradiction. But, allowing another to love you--even the ugly parts--is at the very least: Frightening. What if I scare him off? What if that's something he doesn't want in a wife? What if I make food he doesn't like? What if I gain too much weight? What if I lose my voice? What if I lose an arm? Will he still love me then? What if my language displeases him? What if he's allergic to my beloved pet? What if I fail? What if... See my point? Well, I don't have to worry about that with Christ. Sure, He expects things of me. He expects that I'll be kind to others, even though they're unkind to me. He expects that I'll stand up for those not present to do so for themselves. He expects that I'll be honest and genuine and caring and "good." But, He also expects that I'll fail. And when I do, He'll stay with me and help me through it. He won't leave me and say "I told you so." Jesus won't turn His back and say I'm disappointed in you. He puts out His nail-pierced hands and picks me up off the floor when I fall and helps me to cross the finish line of this crazy race. Honestly, sometimes I fail big-time. Sometimes I gloat. Sometimes I say unkind things. Sometimes I don't try as hard as I could. Sometimes my cullinary creations fail (don't tell). Sometimes I drive way too fast. But, I know that Jesus still loves me. Can I let others love the ugly parts of me, too? Ugly parts of Amanda: I'm selfish with my time. I'm picky about the way my bluejeans fit. I'm vain about my hair. I'm proud of my accomplishments.

The winds of change have brought about one major difference in my attitude. I have a new drive to learn more about the Creator. I'm no longer satisfied with a mediocre knowledge of who He is and what He's done for the world. I want to know Him like I've never known Him before. Your thirsty prayers for me are finally being answered "Yes." My thirsty prayer for all of you is that you never get enough of Christ: Never. That you'll never see enough of His love: Never. I pray that you are never satisfied with what you know of Him: Never. I pray that you never tire of listening for His voice: Never.

Possible?

A 12 year difference isn't really too much, is it? Surely not if God says it isn't. Much prayer is needed in this matter. Please friends, pray with me that God will reveal His will for me before anyone gets hurt. I try to take things slowly, but I somehow seem to fail. I follow the lead of others. I'm so tired, and still a little sick. I don't want to miss God's best for me. And with His help I cannot help but see it and choose it. My heart cries out to be loved. My soul cries out for direction. My core cries out for affection. My breath cries out for more Jesus...will I ever get enough?

I'm drowning in my own desperation for something of worth. I'm in Terre Haute again and struggling to convince myself that it will be over soon. I keep telling myself that I'm here for a reason, and that kinda helps, but it's frustrating that the journey to the end can't be more pleasant. I can feel myself becoming more negative to this situation. I feel like I never left. I feel like I've been trapped into a situation with no way out. Lord, calm my heart and heal my morale.

This was a weird day. Although I got the most stirring rendition of "Happy Birthday" complete with jazzy dance before I even got out of bed, the day was weird. Not really a bad weird, but a different kind of weird. This was my first post-schooling birthday. For the first time since I can remember, there was nothing required of me on my birthday--but I worked anyway. The first thing I accomplished today was to finish mowing the lawn. I went for a walk with mommy, and spent the rest of the day cleaning my room. For the first time, there was no work for me to avoid doing. No homework, no school work.......nothing at all school-related. I'm not complaining. Along with no school goes not many people to share with. I was used to having many people wish me a good day for so many years that it was odd not hearing it all day. It was nice, though. I even had the chance to be alone for a while. 23 is just a number, but it's a number I expected to have a lot more done by. My life is completely different than I thought it would be at this age. I'm single. And jobless. And in debt. With little hope of anything different anytime soon. I'm not depressed, but I'm a little bummed. I guess I've again been reminded that I'm not really the one in charge.

Almost...

In four days I will officially be an old maid. 23 and unmarried is what I'll be. I'm okay with that. We're redecorating the house this year. The bathroom, my parents' bedroom, and my room are finished. The living room, Aaron's room, and the kitchen will have to wait until next spring. It's nice to have all the juvenile stuff gone. But, it's a shocking niceness. Up to now, I've known that when I'm home I can expect certain things to be there--comforts. In an effort to become an adult, I've parted with a number of those items. It was fun to look through all the things I had accumulated and decide that I could live without certain things. I feel as though I've grown up all at once--but I don't feel differently. I've been different since I went to camp this summer and made a few decisions. I listened to what God was saying to me. I sat down and really listened. I had to get out of Terre Haute. I wasn't needed there anymore like I had been. I'm going back in a week, but I know things will be different. Mostly because I know that I don't have to stay. I'll be more relaxed about being there because I'll know that I'll be leaving.
I'm having some of my longest as well as a few of my most recently made friends over on Friday night for some fun times. But that will be different, too. I'm not 18 anymore. I'm a college graduate with a Bachelor's degree. I'm not as immature as I used to be. It'll be nice to sit around a fire and just talk and sing. I don't feel so much like I need to DO something in order to be entertaining. And Aaron will be there. He is my favorite Baby. Allen and Annie will be there. I love them lots. Andy won't be there. We will all miss him terribly! And my new friend hopes to be there. I fully intend for our (mine and Aaron's) birthday party to be a blast. Anyway, that is the event most quickly coming up on my calendar.
From the last time I wrote, my life has been nearly consumed with cleaning and finishing. I did go to Bethel college to visit my new friend and some other friends and ended up having a wonderful time just talking and meeting his new friends. I know that God has wonderful things planned for him and I hope for the privilege to see at least some of them happen.
I love you all. Have a blessed day.

I feel like I should write something profound, but I can't think of anything. I'm busy at home, but not relaxing. I haven't been able to get up to Bethel to visit friends yet. Once I do, I think I'll feel better for at least a while. Camp Mack festival is on Saturday=looking forward to that. I'll think of something good to write for next time.

Really?

It's difficult to put into words what's really going on inside my head. I met the perfect man for me. To my knowledge, he meets all the requirements on my list. But, I'm not sure how he feels. And, he's a few years younger than me. Translated: even if he were interested, he's not ready and won't be for a while. I try not to think about it much, but so far I have failed. I give him and my heart to God every day, and still......it's difficult.

I don't miss Terre Haute yet. (I honestly don't think I will.) I got to see the sunset tonight.....something I enjoy doing and is almost impossible in the city. Mom and I are redecorating the house--it's time to do my room. It'll be nice to have it less juvenile. The pictures are coming off the walls, the toys are finally put away, and it's beginning to look like an adult lives there. I'm an adult. A jobless adult, but an adult none the less. I may be worth a lot to a man, but I'll be worth a lot more if I can pay off some of my debt. I need prayers for a good job. I miss talking to my friends.

Praise to the Lord!

"Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

"Praise to the Lord, Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

"Praise to the Lord, Who hath fearfully, wondrously, made thee;
Health hath vouchsafed and, when heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
What need or grief ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

"Praise to the Lord, Who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

"Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him."


I adore You, Lord, for all Your ways.

Yeah

Opening concert last night. I felt connected and at-home. Pre-sold 15+ CDs. I'm starting to see what this singing career thing is all about, and I'm pretty sure that I don't want to do it forever. It's not the money thing......it's more about being objectified. The only connection I have with anyone is the fact that they saw me in concert. This comes to mind today because more than one person wanted to carry on a conversation with me at the mall today.....people I don't recognize. Recognition was on their faces--the only thing I can think of is that they go to my church, or saw me in concert somewhere. I feel badly because I have no idea who they are or how they know me. THAT'S the part I don't like about the business. As soon as someone sees you in public they assume that you know who they are--even when you don't. I think the biggest problem for me is that I was expecting to join an already established group. What actually happened is that I joined 2 people already in a group and through the course of events we formed our own, seperate group. The work that I was expecting to be done when I began actually began a few weeks ago. I don't feel badly about moving home again, I feel badly because I think I'm disappointing the others. But how do explain my own disappointment without hurting anyone or being mean? If I need to come back, I will. Right now, I need to leave.

I move home in one week.

Nothing more than feelings...

I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'm still happy, but I'm tired, and a little sick, ready to move home, unusually ambitious toward fitness... But I realize that I still have two weeks here in the Haute. Two weeks! What can I do for Jesus in two weeks? All kinds of things! I can continue to show His love to those around me, continue in patience, begin walking regularly, and be always joyful--even through all the noise and sibling cruelty.

I'm also distracted. I'm still reading Elizabeth Elliot's book and I'm more convinced that everyone should read it--Quest for Love. She's showing me what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like and why. I have an amazing example in my parents, but this book helps me see how to start. As a woman devoted to God, I am supposed to wait. I knew this, but Elliot explains that the "why" is not just because I'm female, but also because when I take the initiative and make a move, I'm not ALLOWING things to happen, I'm MAKING them happen=not a good thing. If I weren't reading this book and constantly praying about a certain relationship, I may have ruined things by now. The book is helping me with my other relationships, too. I realize that in my own "quest for love" I shouldn't leave others out of my life. A man won't complete me or anyone else (it's not healthy to think so) so I need to keep up with my other friends and near-friends.

I can smell the winds of change coming my direction. I think the change will be a good one. I pray that God keeps my heart with Him--where it belongs!

Take me

"Take my life and let it be
Consecrated, Lord, to Thee;
Take my moments and my days--
Let them flow in ceaseless praise, Let them flow in ceaseless praise.
"Take my hands and let them move
At the impulse of Thy love;
Take my feet and let them be
Swift and bautiful for Thee, Swift and beautiful for Thee.
"Take my voice and let me sing
Always, only, for my King;
Take my lips and let them be
Filled with messages from Thee, Filled with messages from Thee.
"Take my silver and my gold--
Not a mite would I withhold;
Take my intellect and use
Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose, Ev'ry pow'r as Thou shalt choose.
"Take my will and make it Thine--
It shall be no longer mine;
Take my heart--It is Thine own,
It shall be Thy royal throne, It shall be Thy royal throne.
"Take my love--my Lord, I pour
At they feet its treasure store;
Take myself--and I will be
Ever, only, all for Thee, Ever, only, all for Thee."

I love this song for so many reasons! I informed Mike of when I'm leaving, and I know he's disappointed. That makes me sad. God said "Go" and go I went. God's saying "go back home", and I'm running!

Whoops

My life seems to have completely changed during the time since my last posting. The group entered a singing contest in Tennessee and we won second place; the prize for which is radio exposure and promotion. This has changed me in that I now feel much more obligated than before to stay in Terre Haute and excel in this career.

My joy has been renewed! Camp did that for me these last two weeks. The lessons for the kids centered on God's Calling and I think I may have learned more for myself than what I taught.

I applied for a job as a teacher's assistant in a special needs classroom today. As far as I can tell, I have the job, but now I'm not entirely sure I want it. I really need the money and the benefits, but I'm not sure how ready I am to be with moderately challenged kids all day every day in a restricted environment. If there's one thing I've learned while living here, it's that proper discipline is hugely important to the proper development of all children.....and that becomes almost impossible when the child is autistic or has defects due to the mother's drug habit.

I called that other guy and told him I've found someone else......more or less. I have at least been reminded of how much I really am worth.

My joy was renewed, but has already slightly dwindled by the children today. I know it's bad when I can't even think of a song to sing until they're all upstairs in bed. Tomorrow is the first full day of school for them and I think the library and I have some catching up to do when the daddy gets home. I love my Lord so much and it hurts me the most when I can think of no joyous song to sing for Him. Perhaps tomorrow will be better?

Now?

I give up. Treasure doesn't hunt.....but it won't BE hunted if nobody knows where to find it! Church tomorrow. Food. Maybe a nap. No practice. Write a letter? The Daddy needs to stop yelling at everyone...it wears on my nerves. I'm tired. I miss my friends. I need to visit some people I know. If you read this, chances are pretty good we could be friends....I can get along with almost anyone. Now, it's time for some laundry. Good night, all!

Lonliness has become this overwhelming and all-encompassing part of my life. Not just romantic lonliness, but a desperate longing for someone close to my own age to "chill" with. The hope that I will make new friends here in the Haute is quickly dwindling. I thrive on the letters I get from home, but it really is not the same as sharing an understanding hug nor can it compare to a borrowed shoulder. I have begun reading Quest For Love again and it helps with the longings of my heart......helps, but does not vanquish the emptiness. I have heard it said that God can fulfill all of our physical, spiritual, and emotional needs. If that is true, why did Adam need Eve? I'm not sure that there is a good answer to this question. All I know is that I'm an Eve who wants to be needed. Me and my men. Over the (few) years of my life I have had many crushes; but under them all there has been the desire for one man. Even though I made a deal with someone else for three years from now, I still hope that this other one will speak up. All I have to do is....wait.
I've been struggling lately with my feelings about God. I feel that I've been on my own for a while now. Maybe that's just because I stopped devotions. Maybe it's because I feel abandoned by fun. Maybe it's because the 2nd job I had lined up fell through. Maybe it's because I'm sneaking around my family......not telling them everything. Maybe it's because I'm where I never wanted to be. Maybe it's because I'm not jealous enough with my heart. Maybe I just need to snuggle with a puppy for a while? Maybe I just need to give up the control I so desperately long to have. I need to refocus on Jesus--you know, the important guy--and focus less on what's happening to me and around me. I think it's time I went for a walk to listen, not talk.

uh.....yeah

I think I may have made a mistake.

Who Knows?

Things here in the Haute are going better than they were. Having all five kids home all the time has been a stress, but we're working on a new routine with scheduled rehearsal time for the group and some days are better than others. I'll be house-sitting for some new friends next week and then I plan to go to Michigan with my family for a day to see my brother, Allen, compete in the Truck Rodeo in Lansing that weekend. Fun times are finally coming for Amanda......and still no paying job. Hmmmm........any of you know a good job opportunity in the greater Terre Haute area? I didn't think so.

Newness

Lots of new stuff....but at the same time, not new at all. I'm still me, I'm just in a new city with a new family and a new schedule. I get out of bed early in the morning (or not) sit around writing letters or watching TV unitl one of the kids comes home from Kindergarten and then hang out with him and have some kind of lunch and wait for his mom and brothers come home. Then we all just sit around and wait for dinner and then go to bed.

Not very eventful, but I'm always tired. The twins wake up in the middle of the night and scream for what seems like hours. I'm not used to children at all, so that's been the most difficult for me.

My music career debut was Sunday night. It was more or less spontaneous. We three got some positive comments, so I'm encouraged. We record in Michigan this weekend and then I go home for a couple weeks for the wedding and stuff. My brother won't live here for much longer....I'm sad, but I know he needs to go. God says "go" and ya gotta go.

I miss my friends. I miss my family. I miss having a schedule. I miss knowing where I'll be going and what I'll be doing and when it'll happen. I miss alone time. I miss good sleep. I miss adult conversation. I miss not having a broken heart......he's with someone else. I miss the country. I miss living where people don't have a southern accent and have most of their teeth. I miss the feeling that God keeps me "in the loop." I miss knowing people in my area. I miss having friends close by.....I miss life.

I know I'm supposed to be here. I may not like it, but I'll stay until God says move on. I'm not positive about how He'll tell me, but I trust he'll make it obvious. I trust Him.

Fi-nal-ly!

Finally! I only have one more paper to write today and pack a few things to take home and I'm done with all of my undergraduate work forever! It's about time.

I also have only one more hour of Pride and Prejudice before I can justify starting over again. Lots going on in my mind and heart......I'll try to post later.

Class time

Another musing from class:

I hear the call of Death. Not a terrible death filled with horror, but a death which is beautiful beyond the description of any language. This Death may be found in the songs of birds and in a glance lovers share. This is a death which heralds new Life; Life to be found in the passage of time. Not a death of Joy--or Hope--but the death of Depravity and Hopelessness. This Death calls to me and I turn my face completely and reach toward his embrace of strange Love...the Love of Death.

It kinda sounds morbid, but it's sunny and pretty in my mind. School is ending (as I've written before) and I'm okay with it. Finally. This end is the Death of one chapter which must occur for the Birth of the next chapter to open. I'm okay with it. I'm excited. Now I must begin my love notes...

Almost over

I just finished writing a paper over 1000 pages of reading. I only have about 1500 pages more to read and write about and then I'll be totally done with all my projects before finals next week. I've been searching for a way to let all my closest friends know how much they mean to me, and I've finally come up with a solution! I'll keep you updated on that.

I'm sensing more often the bittersweet quality which only comes with the end of a school year. This is a different kind of sweetness because it's my last school year. I don't feel bitter at this end. What I feel is a beautiful mix of sweetness and anticipation and fear. The sweetness comes from the knowledge that I've acomplished something big; the anticipation is bred from questions about the future; the fear from knowing I'm leaving some of my closest and dearest friends.

What will I do when I can't just go upstairs or across campus to get a hug from a friend? What will happen to me when a phone call just isn't enough? Will they even miss me like I know I'll miss them? I find myself intensely interested in what my fellow seniors will be doing in the next year. I want to sit down with so many of them--even ones I've never been very close to--and just talking about their plans. I love to watch the way their eyes light up when they talk about this summer, or their wedding, or the job they got. This is the time when so much joy is found all around me, and though I know it can't last, I desperately wish it could.

Even with all this joy, I know that not everyone is gleefully anticipating the next few weeks. For these precious people I pray that they'll not be bitter in the midst of all the happiness. I have experienced true Joy and I have had a taste of the Joy to come. With this taste comes the burning passion to share the Joy. If you ask me, I'll share it.

I have a friend whose heart hurts and I'm not sure what to do. The human in me wants to fix it, but I fully realize that there's nothing I can do to open their eyes. In fact, their eyes ARE open, but they turn their face away from the truth for the lack of proof. They know they hold their eternal life in the balance and yet they go on denying the existance of my soul's lover. In effect, this friend calls me not a liar, but blindly ignorant with regard to all things eternal. Last night we talked and my friend asked me HOW I know my beliefs are true. I can't explain in a way they'll understand because our hearts are not in the same place. All I can do is live and love them the only way I know how--completely and with all my heart.

This I think is enough from the mind and heart of this almost-graduate. I hope all have a beautiful day and good luck with the end of the school year!

Opening Night

"Cinderella" went very well tonight, I was told. I went out with some of the cast afterward and I'm glad that I did. I've done that after the other shows I was in and I've had a different experience every time. Tonight was more fancy-free, but I felt much more responsible than I have before. I've matured so much in just the last two years that the person I was three years ago very nearly annoys me. I look back and what I see is a girl who desperately wanted to be in a relationship with anyone who would ask......if only they would ask. Now that I've been in two and broke both of them off for lists of reasons I can see that I only need Jesus. I want a man--but I need Jesus.

I got several comments regarding my post about the man I love. Given the nature of our relationship (and the fact that we've been very good friends for quite some time) I know that telling him how I feel is not yet the right course of action. I really do want to tell him, but I'm not about to throw myself at a man. Maybe it's pride, but it's more likely that I'm just waiting for him to make up his mind about me and get a job. And I don't want to put him in a position where he may be faced with perhaps ending communication with me after graduation. I'm going to give him a chance to say something to me about his feelings and then I'll speak up. If he wants to do the DTR (Define The Relationship) thing, I'm gonna make him go first--and then I'll be honest.

So, this was a good day. My picture's in the local paper for the play. More some other time.

It's finally here!

Senioritis has finally arrived--and in full force. I want to spend all of next week doing as much work as I can so that I have as much time to play as possible. Will it happen? We'll see.

In other news: I'm working on something big. I'm going to try to put down in words my feelings about college and stuff. We'll see how that goes too.

Babbling

I'll just babble for a while....we'll see what happens.

I've finally been able to seriously think about the future and all that it entails. I've been at this Christian College for four years now and I've only recently fully realized that I won't be here forever. Up til now it always felt like forever, but now I've noticed that I'm leaving all the people that I've grown to love over these last years. I've learned that there can never be enough time in the world for me to get tired of some of them and I've also learned that I've missed out on lots of time with some really wonderful people.

I've also finally accepted my feelings. I know I said this is "rated R" but this is a topic which is going to need some delicacy. Love has always been something that I have struggled with understanding, and though I still struggle, I have learned to accept that I love one man. Knowing that I love him and would immediately agree to marry him (if only he would ask) I also realize that it's not fair for me to actually wait for him without him asking me to. Is it? I can never feel about another the way I feel about him, and I shouldn't try. The attempt would fail and it wouldn't be fair to him or the new man or myself to even try to repeat it. The attempt would mean that I would be looking for another to fill his spot in my heart instead of just making a new spot for someone else. This man has my heart as much as any man can (unless God introduces me to someone I don't even know yet) and he will always have that spot because it's his to have. I can't have given it to him only to take it back and give the same part again. I can't forget about him and pretend that I don't love him. It just isn't fair.

In the last four years, I've also learned to accept my other feelings as a part of life. Another quote from my class musings: "Emotions are given in order to be felt--and shared--not squashed and hidden." God did not give me feelings so that I may hide them; He gave them to me to share my friends' burdens and joys and to experience Life as much as I can.

What is Life? Life is a piece of God. Everything that breathes and moves and experiences anything has Life given by God. Even the earth sings praise to God with every ocean wave and every snowflake and every blade of grass and every rock and every speck of dust. Everywhere I look I not only see God, but I feel Him and He is very near my heart. Birds don't look around to see who is listening before they sing.........they unashamedly sing as loudly as they can because they know that God is listening. (Whether or not they consciously know is not the point.) I, too want to cry out to God in the most joyous of songs and not feel ashamed; but I often do feel ashamed. Sometimes I concentrate so hard on doing things to please Him that I completely miss the unspeakable joy of just knowing He's present.

One last thing I wrote in class last Monday: "All creation holds its breath in beautiful, silent, and awful anticipation of the complete, unquestioned show of God's imcomparable power, judgement, and love." It's kind of a mouthful, but I like it.

I will here conclude this adventure into my mind. I may not be brilliant, but at least I know it.

A poetic line

Only in our darkest dreams and most dreadful nightmares are found those things we fear to desire. It is not the monsters of sleep which frighten me, but the essence of their very existence.

I've recently discovered that I think in emotion--not words. That's why it takes me so long to think of something coherent to share......I have to translate everything from the language of my personal being into a language others can understand. When I can't properly translate this heart-language, I become frustrated along with my listener as they often misunderstand my deeper meanings.

I desire to find one with whom my heart may converse openly and freely with little translation needed. I have already found one who is close to helping me fully realize this hope, but he does not know these deeper longings abide in my heart. I have finally realized that these hopes for him refuse to be denied (I have tried for too long to squash them) but it is not for me to share them with him. I am the treasure......treasure is not made for hunting, but to be hunted. I wish he would hunt.

God, you know my every hope and desire more fully than I could ever feel them. I give this man to You along with my own heart. Lead me, Lord. My will is Yours.

Me!

Nothing, really

I don't have anything super profound today. Lots of stuff is changing. I wish it were all over but would last forever. How do I tell someone that I'm not interested in them.....but their friend? Am I really interested, or do I just realize that things are changing and want security?

Something new was suggested to me yesterday that I need to look into: the Transitions to Teaching class. I could come back here next fall and take this 18 hour class and get my teaching degree and have things like.....benefits, health insurance, marketability. All of these are good things. AND the person who gave the advice also offered to let me stay with her! Exciting stuff. I'm definitely going to examine THAT possibility! Of course, I won't NEED to do that if I could only find a good man! Hmm.....I should get working on that! (I'm really just kidding.)

I like it when I get comments. Sometimes when I read the "anonymous" ones I try to imagine who left them. It's kinda weird to think that people whom I've never met are reading my stuff. I like it, though. It's wild.

During Class....

During my Monday night class (C.S. Lewis: The Persuader) I often sit in my chair at the professor's home and write little tid bits that come to mind. Here are a few for your reading pleasure.

You are my every breath; You are my every thought. You are my every desire; You are my hope. My God is my every thing, the only one who matters to my heart. In the moonlight I follow the path and I speak with Him in words found only in the language of the heart. The path seems to disappear at times, but that is when I close my eyes and open the ears of my spirit to better hear the voice of my soul's lover. I close my eyes and fun after His voice calling to me out of the darkness.

The struggle for Joy and Happiness is Fleeting Agony.

The monster of Desire rears its ugly head in

the midst of Genuine Searching.

Are You still there to listen to my prayer's and calm my fears? You know what's in my heart and You know what will actually work and help. Teach me to give it all to You.

Show me how to make You smile.

"God"= all the beautiful and wonderful things and experiences

that could never hope to occur in one so limited as myself.

Intimate with Struggle

Deep Sorrow

Transcending Emotion

The Mortality of Innocence

Joy is Contagious

The Age of Heartlessness

Dysfunctionally Materialistic

Lifeless Joy

Depraved Success

Intelligently Ignorant

Continual Hope of the Morning

Sunset brings the Death of Hope

The Absence of Dream's Knowledge

Desperate Love

I am in bondage to Christ alone! No more will I serve another Master. For there is

no master better than the Lover of my Soul...

Jesus brings Meaning to Existence

Lonliness is a Monster in my soul...

In my Heart's Prison I am the keeper...only Christ has the key.

I hear the call of Him who loves me most. His voice is soft and sweet. He teaches birds to sing and hearts to rejoice--how can I help my answering? Would I evere consider hoping for the affections of another? No. No other can be worthy of me. He deserves my heart's every beat and my soul's every gasping breath.

Do I spend my life waiting for someone to may never appear? Or do I try to live in a manner which is pleasing to my Lord and Savior? If the former, I chase after a dream. If the latter, I will absolutely find the true and complete Joy only to be found in Christ. Would it make a difference if I saw the future? Would I live in a manner to reach the end fully, or would my selfishness get in the way? If I could see the future, my attitude would change to become consumed with trying to bring or change the unavoidable consequences of my ignorant actions. I don't want to see the future, so I must strive to live my life for God alone. Only in completely denying my own desires will I ever stand a chance to be completely enraptured with the beauty of Christ.

My Joy has yet to be discovered.

I have stepped over into the summer of my life.

Just when I find It, It leaves. It flees quickly to avoid capture.

The only thing I want, does not want to be wanted.

What's missing? A nameless thing haunts my heart's darkest places. It stays just out of my reach--beyond my grasp. Should I stop reaching for it?

If It be temptation, I must draw back my hand. If It be Christ, I

must begin running for all I'm worth to catch Him--though fail I may!

Well, visitors, I hope that you've enjoyed this installment of Amanda: Rated R. It's been fun. I hope I gave you something to ponder through this adventure. Next time=Quotes from The Essential Erasmus. Until then, sing "Jesus Loves Me" a lot!

I'm sick......but I'm going on spring break anyway! You can't stop me! Gettysburg, Hershey, and D.C. here I come!

Now...

Now I'm sick. Spring break begins for me on Friday and I'm sick. Annie and I are visiting Gettysburg and Hershey, PA, and Washington, D.C. I plan to have a lot of fun while spending as little money as possible. It'll be an adventure. If I don't get better before that, it'll be a sick adventure.

JOB!

I got a job! After graduation, I'll be joining a Christian quartet called Kingdom Bound. Right now, we'll be recording during May and begin touring in June. I'm pretty psyched.

Secretly...

Secretly, every girl wants to be Cinderella. Every woman wants to be rescued from her circumstances by a wonderful and charming prince who is determined to do anything to get her. Unfortunately, the prince turns out to be less than charming (or ambitious) and Cinderella usually ends up with her hopes and dreams dashed because the man she married isn't who she thought he was. Real life hits you like a snowflake: you can't feel the cold right away. Why is it so hard for people to live the fairy tale life? Because life is not really a fairy tale. All the good princes are taken or (more often) not interested and all the Cinderellas are too busy chasing to be chased. My suggestion: Secretly like from a distance and flirt little. Flirting only confuses and sends mixed signals. Will I be able to stop flirting? Heck no! Because I know this about myself, I'm going to try to avoid circumstances where flirting is almost a rule. Moral of the story= Guys: It works better if you say clearly whether or not you have interest. Girls: If you don't like him the way he is, don't bother.

I cried in the post office today.......thank you, Andy.

I haven't written much lately because I'm having a breakdown. Lots of homework and little to no desire to actually do it, but an overwhelming need to have it done does not necessarily mean that it gets done. I'm really trying not to procrastinate, but I find myself considering which assignment can be put off 'til the next day in order to get the more pressing ones finished. I went shopping at homestarrunner.com last week and I got my purchases in the mail on Monday. My shirts are fabulous. That's the bright spot in this entire black hole that I find myself in. Words of encouragement do no good. (I usually love knowing when I'm doing a good job, but I get no warm fuzzies from it now.) I have no money. I think that's the huge drain on my soul. I have no money. Splurging is now a thing of the past. Now it's become, "Dad has no money to put into your account, so you'll have to take money from your personal savings to make your car payment, and pay for your books, and all the other extra things you need for school." And because dad has no money, I feel badly for asking for any......cause I know there isn't any. And why ask for things that don't exist? I've spent the last two Sundays in a row doing nothing but homework all day long. The weather has not afforded the opportunity to venture out to church, so I sleep late and do homework for 7-9 hours on Sunday.....and I'm still not ahead. I don't understand how it happens. All day Sunday and most of the week I do mostly homework and I'm still not ahead in anything. It's just not right. But I'm almost done with this GPA school and then it's off to the School of Hard Knocks (aka: Life).

And what am I doing right now to better myself? Having a breakdown of monumental proportions. I used to have to make time for just a few select friends, but now I have to do it with ALL my friends just so I get to see them once in a while. I would do homework with some of them, but I need it to be really quiet in order to concentrate and by that point, why even try to do homework with a friend if the sound of them breathing distracts me? Ya know? I think I just need that mythical extra week to do nothing but all the homework I have for the rest of the semester and then it'll be done and over with and I can be happy again.

Good news: the sun was shining in my room today! It's my friend's birthday today! I'm wearing the yellow ducky shirt that I bought from http://homestarrunner.com and I love it! I had lunch today with a friend I haven't talked to in for too long! I haven't cursed God! I love Jesus! I'm slowly calming down and realizing that my soul's lover has everything under control........sigh.

Meaningless update

It's cold in the Midwest. It's cold here in Indiana. It's cold in Northern Indiana. It's cold in Winona Lake. It's cold at Grace College. It's cold in my dorm. It's cold in my room. I'm cold. I did homework all day long. I left my room a grand total of three times today all of which were trips upstairs to my friends fridge and the last was a trip upstairs to the fridge and to post another overnight slip for the same friend. My life is absolutely amazing, right? No. I'm feeling extremely ambitious to do things that I haven't been asked to do. For example, I haven't been asked to join a company and make $100,000/year. I want to do all my work here so successfully that my profs will all remember me by name instead of "The overweight redhead who always sits in the middle of class." (Before anyone tries to tell me that I'm not overweight, I'd like to point out that 160 lbs. for a 5' 4" tall woman is 30 lbs. overweight. And I'm not going to listen to all that talk about "big bones" and "men like curvey women") I want people to remember me for not just telling them about myself, but for listening to them. I want others to recall that I was never purposely mean to them. I want people to know that I stick up for them when they're not around to do it themselves. I want more than anything else to be remembered! But does it really make any difference if I am? Even recently I had someone I had never met before come up to me and ask, were you the princess in that play I saw? Yes, I was. I was a princess once. The next year I was a queen. I'm still a princess, but not in a play. I belong to God. I am a child of the only creator of any universe. They say that an elephant has an incredible memory. Well, God made that memory. That tells me that God has an absolutely unfathomable memory. (I can only remember to my 7th year, but God created Time itself. That's pretty incredible.) I guess this update isn't so meaningless after all. If nobody else remembers me for anything, God remembers me because I am His. That's enough for me.

Something new

I don't know how new this is, but I'm gonna try doing things a little differently. Don't worry, I'm not going to put any of your dark secrets on here (I don't want to know them anyway) I'm just going to be completely and totally real. I'm fragile. Not in the sense that I need to be rescued or anything. It's just that little things hurt me.......but they don't. I'm not the one who feels the pain--you do. It hurts me when people make a bigger deal out of things than what needs to be because I see that they cause themselves so much more stress than is needed. It hurts me to see other people hiding behind their "Christian" walls. Our speaker in chapel made very real the wonderful point that if we want revival in our churches it has to begin in our own hearts. I can't just sit in a pew and wait for revival to happen in my church--the new beginning has to occur in my own heart first. If Jesus isn't in complete control of my life and heart then there is no hope. When I think of the years that I've wasted just sitting around and waiting for something to happen instead of letting it happen, I want to lay on the floor and spend hours just doing nothing.....but that's the problem=I've been doing nothing. The knowledge that I don't need to be married to make a difference shows me how much more time has been wasted in waiting for others. When I think of the fact that God loves me and I didn't have to do anything to earn His divine love and mercy it blows my mind. It's our fallen nature that makes us believe that we have to earn everything we get, but we don't. There's no way we'll ever be able to earn what God freely offers through His Son.

I say I'm fragile. I mean that, but it's not what you may think. It hurts me to see other people suffer. I get absolutely no pleasure in watching others go through painful experiences. When I see someone hurting all I want to do is encourage them and give them some astonishing piece of advice, but I don't know how. That's where the Holy Spirit comes in. He takes care of them in ways that I cannot. Somehow, He comforts those who cannot be comforted by me--that's enough for me. I hurt, but it's not always for myself. Mostly it's for those I see around me who get caught up in criticizing others so much that they forget to do a self-check. They forget that Jesus died for the person they're ripping to shreds just as much as He died for them. The criticizer forgets that God doesn't care that someone else has ugly shoes, or didn't take a shower one day. God cares that maybe that person can't afford name-brand shoes, or maybe they were helping a friend make through the lowest point of their life and didn't have time for a shower. The point is that God sees the things that we don't and that we don't want to see. We see something unfashionable, but God sees someone worth dying for.

How can I go on with my life the way it is? I claim to be a Christian, but I let my mind wander to sinful things. I claim to want to follow Christ, but I get caught up in all the "it's none of my business" and "if they wanted you to know, they would tell you." Is that what it means to love the God who formed my heart and mind? Does loving God include chasing after things that I know He doesn't want me to have, just because I can run? Loving and following the Almighty means doing what He wants, not just what I want. Sometimes it hurts.....but that's just us being stupid and unbending.

I say, why don't we all just focus on the good things about people and try to forget about their short-comings? We all already know what's wrong with us.....it's just that Jesus loves us anyway. Let's focus on that.

Fitting in

Sometimes I just want to haul off and tell people exactly what I think of them. I see in others exactly what I see in myself and I know it would be easier to tell others about their imperfections in order to make myself feel better and it's less work than trying to fix them in myself. Did that sentence even make sense?

While I was at home for the semester break, I didn't do a whole lot of reflection. I spent a good portion of my time wasting it. I read a few books, put together a few puzzles, played some cards, watched movies, and left home very little. I didn't see any of my friends (save one) and I rather enjoyed that. It's nice to have friends, but I really learn to appreciate them when they're gone for a while. I feel like I'm out of place here now. I can't sleep because I'm not tired. I want to tell people exactly what I think of them, but that would mean that I have to be open to listening to their opinions regarding me. I would have to be prepared to hear the worst, and frankly, I'm too lazy to prepare myself for that. I'm in a state of apathy. I don't care about you. I don't care about the earth. I don't care about school. But I'm sure I'll be myself again in a few days. At least, I hope I will be.

I saw him across a crowded room and I wondered whether or not he even noticed me.
I've seen his eyes before, and known his heart in my dreams.
He is only a dream; an illusion sent to tempt and frustrate.
I keep telling myself, "It's only a dream..."
When will I awake?